What Defines Kinky Sex? There Are Some Specific Parameters

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Maybe you devoured the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, or you're a fan of the enlightening Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader film Secretary, or you heard from a friend of a friend that they're into wild and kinky sex. In your mind, it's a whole lot of spanking and tying people up, but is that what kinky sex really is? What defines kinky sex, anyway?

According to YourTango, many people enjoy getting spanked or rough sex but aren't sure whether that qualifies as kinky sex. The truth is that there is no easy definition of kinky mainly because it is actually a state of mind. Identifying as kinky, whether as an individual or as a couple, is about embracing the parts of your sexuality that go against the so-called norm and that lie outside of the standard expectations of romantic, intercourse-based sex.

The best thing about kinky sex is that you don't have to enjoy everything it entails in order to enjoy it. For instance, it's OK if you love spanking but not bondage, or enjoy being bossed around and dominated in bed but don't enjoy sex with pain. In order to be kinky, the only thing you need is to shamelessly celebrate what you find arousing, be willing to talk about it, ask for it, and enjoy it without shame.

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A study conducted by the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the most popular "kinky" activities enjoyed by women were erotic spanking (96 percent), having their hair pulled (93 percent), biting to create intense sensations (92 percent), being scratched (90 percent), and erotic bondage (87 percent). Meanwhile, more extreme activities such as intense domination, humiliation, foot worship, or being dressed up like a pony are much more rare.

If you're just getting started with kinky sex, it's important to have a discussion with your partner before you venture into any BDSM territory, according to Women's Health.

"There are two ways kink fantasies can go," sex educator Cassie Fuller and founder of Touch of Flavor told Women's Health. "You can find out this is something you've been missing in your sex life or that the idea was better left as a fantasy."

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The first thing to discuss is whether you have any "hard limits" (basically, anything that you are completely uncomfortable doing and possibly even setting a "safe word" for when your partner goes too far). You should, however, also keep an open mind but not do anything that you are not OK with just to please someone else, Fuller told Women's Health.

To start out, there are a few kinky things that even inexperienced women can try, according to Glamour, such as:

  • Have sex in front of a mirror
  • Talk dirty to your partner
  • Use ice cubes for a new pleasure
  • Send sexts throughout the day
  • Tie your partner up
  • Use a blindfold
  • Try food to make things sexier
  • Experiment with erotic massage

As you get more comfortable trying kinky things, you may expand into wilder sex — but it is essential to keep in mind what kinky sex truly means. You don't have to be interested in every activity under the kinky umbrella, but rather embrace the kinky side of your sexuality. And don't ever be ashamed of what you enjoy in bed because that is what defines true (and enjoyable) kinky sex.