Oceans may rise and golden couples may divorce, but some things never change: as long as people share images that are supposed to disappear on social media, other people will screenshot them. Sorry, not sorry. In case you reacted to Instagram Stories by capturing a plethora of what-were-supposed-to-be-temporary images, here's a handy list of things to do with the thousands of Instagram Stories screenshots you just took.
Of course, there's the obvious: Make a fun collage for Halloween. Everyone's favorite spooky holiday is coming up, so invite your acquaintances to a Halloween party at your place. What better way to scare them than to show off your new wall decor, which is just floor-to-ceiling collages of their long-deleted and mildly unflattering photos? Freddy Kruger's got nothing on you! (The other nice thing about this is that you won't have to share any of that candy corn you bought, because everybody else will immediately leave.)
If that doesn't sound like you, try using them for fact-checking purposes. Fact checking is very hot right now. Just ask Hillary Clinton! Show how much you love American democracy by using old screenshots to fact-check every statement your friends make. When you all go out to brunch and a friend says she hasn't had a mimosa in, like, forever, you can pull out that screenshot of her drinking one two weeks ago, and shove it in her lying face! It'll probably put your "likeability" rating amongst your friend group at around 40 percent. Pretty good, for a woman!
Not up your alley? Use those screenshots to create an online dating profile for your friend. You know that friend who claims she feels "fulfilled" and "happy" even though she's not married? Now that you've got a whole bunch of pictures of her laughing at parties for her glamorous job, or hiking to Machu Picchu on that around-the-world trip she just took, you can pop them on OkCupid under the name LonelyGirl69. Then, flirt up a storm with the most eligible prospects until they all agree to wed you... sorry, her. Single people are worthless. She'll thank you when you find her soulmate.
Still not sold? Try this: Imagine what it's like to be a member of the NSA. Do you ever feel like you don't have enough empathy for the hardworking employees of the National Security Agency? That Snowden movie is trying to demonize them, but they're people too.
Here's a fun challenge to exercise your empathic muscles. Print out all your screenshots, spread them around you, and stare at them for five hours straight. You are not allowed to go to the bathroom or drink a glass of water. Whisper to the images, on loop, "Are you terrorists?" Really feel the burden of possessing other people's private information. Now, I bet you've got a lot more respect for what NSA employees go through every day.
And if all else fails? Be a good person and delete them.
I guess this is a possibility too.
This article is satirical. Neither the author nor the site believe that "single people are worthless" or that you can become an NSA agent by screenshotting your cousin's boyfriend's Instagram Story.