Nina Keneally is the founder of a very... unique New York City-based business called Need A Mom. (Sorry, rest of the country.) The idea is simple: Everyone, regardless of age, needs a mom sometimes, but not everyone has access to a mom at the time, or for the purposes, they need; or maybe they don't have a mom at all. Keneally understands better than most that nothing makes you realize you need your mother like becoming a mother yourself. Parenthood can be overwhelming and lonely and just plain exhausting. And, of course, there's always that one time* you locked yourself in the bathroom and laid on the floor in the fetal position because you were convinced you couldn't do it anymore.
As a solution to this undying need to have one's mom around, Keneally has offered her super mom services to the masses, without judgement. At 63 years of age and the mother to two adult sons, Keneally can do it all: anything from resume writing to baking pie to ironing clothes (people still iron?) and every mom-thing in between. Finally, there is a woman who understands our plight and can provide us with the help, love, and care we need. Because honestly, I've never needed my mother more than I do now that I've successfully pushed a tiny human out of my vagina.
Admittedly, there's an inherent issue with categorizing certain activities as "things moms do," but I'm willing to overlook those sexist underpinnings of this business premise to try and focus on the positive message being sent forth by assigning actual monetary value to the hard work that moms do. You can't win 'em all. And mostly, the idea of hiring someone to be your mom is funny and vaguely adorable and sad, so we can mostly sidestep any problematic implications here.
*right, like that only happened once
Anyway, hey, here are a bunch of things we'd have our rent-a-mommy do for us if we had tons of extra money lying around with which to buy fake parents.
Cook Organic Food
When I'm working and parenting and pulling 16-hour days, puréeing organic vegetables for baby food just isn't going to happen. Now instead of saying, "Well, at least the kid is eating!" when I open another can of Chef Boyardee, I can sit on the couch and enjoy a glass of well-deserved wine while Keneally makes organic butternut squash whatever whatever.
Do All The Laundry
There's so much laundry. There's always laundry everywhere. Who has time to wash and dry and fold? Folding?! Honestly! Well, Keneally does and now she can do it for me so I don't have to dig through the dirty clothes basket so often. Bless her.
Binge-Watch 'Orange Is The New Black' With Me
I need someone to laugh when I creepily call them "Dandelion" and marvel at all the hot women in one, locked-up location. It would be fantastic if she didn't judge how much I'm obsessed with Alex, even though we can all agree she's kind of the worst.
Watch Hours of 'Sesame Street' With My Kid
Look, an adult human can only take so much, okay? I don't care if Derek Jeter is cameoing. I just can't do another hour of Elmo The Musical. I will die.
All The Vacuuming
It has to be done every day because my kid leaves a trail of bread crumbs wherever he goes. It's also somewhat of an ordeal when your child is still afraid of the vacuum itself. So circumventing that entire situation would just be wonderful.
Pour Me All The Wine, All The Time
A built-in bartender for those extra-hard days? Yes, please. Especially if she's serious about this "no judgement" thing.
Parent When I'm Hungover
It happens, and it's horrible. One cocktail turns into two and I'm a lightweight now, so two is one too many. Plus, it's her fault. She's the one pouring my wine now, remember?
Tell Me What "That" Is
From rashes to bumps to minor scratches that I'm completely convinced are severe, life-threatening ailments, it would be wonderful to have someone tell me what that one thing on my kid actually is, instead of having to rely on Google. If I see a rash and look it up, the internet is going to tell me my child is dying and that's just inconvenient.
Find All The Pacifiers
Honestly, where are they? The magical, hidden land that my socks and hair ties go to? Because if I have to spend half an hour searching for one pacifier while my child screams endlessly, I will go clinically insane.
Listen To Me Complain
I love my child, I really do. But sometimes he is the most unreasonable human on the face of the planet and I have to talk about it. I need to be able to complain about his temper tantrums and his attitude, without someone thinking I hate motherhood. He's adorable and cute but sometimes he can be the worst, okay? So LET ME TELL YOU WHY.
Put My Kid To Sleep
Sometimes it's easy and he goes down without a fight. Other times, well, it takes me pacing back and forth with his pudgy body in my arms or laying next to him for over an hour or facing north with a candle lit and pleading to the baby gods. So, for those kind of days, it would be great to have her magical mom powers.
Tell Me Everything Is Going To Be Okay
That's the dream, right? And honestly, that's what every parent needs. So much doubt and guilt comes with motherhood, so to have someone to hold my hand, pat me on the back, and tell me that I am doing a good job (especially on the days I feel like I've completely failed) and that I am a great mom (especially when I don't feel like one) would be worth twice what she's charging.
Images: Lee Haywood/Flickr; Giphy(12)