5 Tips For Handling Back To School For Your Neurodivergent Kid

In over 20 years of working with neurodivergent children — from special education teacher to parent coach — I’ve heard a lot of bad advice (and even, before I was humbled by having my own kids, dispensed some of it). Many so-called parenting rules, from “just make a sticker chart!” to “Have you tried giving them a time out?”, just don’t apply. But amongst the pearls of true wisdom out there is one I repeat often to my husband, to myself: “Transitions are hard.”

You know this well because you just survived the Summer Shuffle, a tour de force of new routines and contexts for your sensitive kiddo (and it’s not too easy on us adults, either!). Well now comes the mother of all transitions: back to school. This may mean more consistent childcare, structure, and learning, but for many neurodivergent children also comes with a whole host of potential anxieties and adjustments. You can, and will, get through it, but if you’d like a little help along the way, here are my tried-and-true reminders for a smoothest-as-possible time.

Share about your child ahead of time.

If you or your kid have anxiety about the new school year, or you’ve been burned by an experience where an uninformed educator had a rough start with your child, don’t be afraid of reaching out with info about your child and how they work best. Even if they have an IEP or 504 Plan, or another formal document describing what they need in the classroom, these things can get lost in the shuffle of the new year even with the best of intentions. With gratitude and brevity, you should always feel free to contact a principal, incoming classroom teacher, or case manager with a friendly reminder about what will help your child get off to a good start. If you’re starting at a new school or don’t feel confident with the official paperwork, make your own “tip sheet” (if you’re into AI, you may get a great first draft by feeding any good reports about your child into a Chatbot (learning mode off) and going from there.

Ask for some information back, too!

Just as you may want to prepare the teacher for your child, it also might be helpful, depending on your kiddo, to prepare them for the class. Humbly request a teacher assignment ahead of time and see what happens, ask for a picture or a few FAQs about a new teacher, or request a brief classroom visit during the teacher prep days leading up to school (IMHO this is a very reasonable request for any hesitant student, but especially if your child has an IEP or 504). Bring the teacher a coffee if you like.

You can even prepare for unpredictability by discussing the options with a worried child. For example, some kids might want to draw their classroom as they saw it or imagine it, and talk through the idea that they might sit in the front by the teacher, or over by the door. They might have old friends at their table, or new ones. Through such conversation, you might even arrive at an opportunity for your child to practice a little self-advocacy, which is the number one skill they’ll need to move through the world as someone who thinks and feels a bit differently than others. If they note to you, for example, that they love sitting near the teacher because it’s easier to give them a secret signal, or see the board, or not face so many distracting peers, you can turn this into a direct request. Some kids will be able to ask their teacher on their first day, others may work with you to write a note or email.

Take it easy.

Remember what I said about transitions being hard? The first few weeks of the school year are not the time to start your kid on a deeper dental regimen or return to after-school reading intervention. While keeping your own needs and schedule in mind, time outside of school should be as cozy, calm, and connected as much as possible. That doesn’t mean you’ve got to call in sick to work and play with your child all afternoon. Depending on the child, that kind of attention can actually be quite exhausting! If your friend just ran a marathon, you wouldn’t take them out dancing (if you would, I need more friends like that!). You would draw them a bath and give them a big bowl of pasta to eat in it. School is like a marathon for a lot of neurodivergent kids. Don’t tack on extra miles by dragging them all over town or having people over for dinner – or if you must (we’ve all got errands to run), let them plug in an audiobook, stay in the car, and don't take it personally.

Don’t sweat homework

If you have the unfortunate luck of attending a school that jumps straight into homework at the beginning of the year, particularly for elementary-aged kids, kindly request that your child be excused for a few weeks, or if they are young and there is no real consequence (many elementary school teachers don’t really track who does homework, or mind if some students are excused), just don't ask them to do it. Why? Because there is little research pointing to the positive effects of homework for young children, and some that shows that even for older children, too much can have negative impacts on their mental health. For many families with neurodivergent children, where the content or executive functioning demands of homework are particularly challenging for the child, the tension caused by getting your kid to do their homework just isn’t worth it, especially if the school day is already completely exhausting. Your priority right now is to keep not just your kid but your family system from burning out on this transition. If homework is essential or seems very helpful, I’d recommend outsourcing adult support to the chiller parent, an educational therapist, or even a local college student. Again, if you’ve got documentation of a disability (504 or IEP), limiting or reducing homework can even be a formal accommodation.

Grease the wheels of the morning routine

Even if your kid has been getting up for camp all summer, chances are something is different with the school year, whether it’s timing, expectations, or simply vibes. It’s time to bring back not only your old tricks on structuring the morning, but also whatever creativity and grace you’ve perhaps mustered in the past to make the morning a little lighter. The low hanging fruit is this: First, get rid of any morning demands that aren’t necessary (do they really need to brush their teeth twice a day?) or that can be done at another time (in my family, we call the clothes we pick out the night before a “floor girl.”). Then, get something other than the sound of your voice to mark time – I recommend these. I promise you, your kids have no idea what 10 minutes or 8:30 means; give them a hand. Finally, choose peace over perfection. Especially in these first few weeks, if your kid eats a protein bar in the car instead of a balanced breakfast at the table, brushes their hair on the walk to school, but there’s less tension and more capacity to tackle a big school day, I say that’s a win.

Transitions are hard for adults too, but you’ll get through this. If it helps, make a personal or family calendar that reminds you this will not last forever. Put a note to ramp up the expectations on, say, October 1st. But for now, fill the freezer with popsicles for that late summer/early fall heat wave, find a new favorite family TV show (have you seen Taskmaster? Did you know Paramount+ has reruns of Nickelodeon's Legends of the Hidden Temple?) and know that this, too, shall pass.