Sex & The Single Mom
I Wasn’t Ready To Date After Divorcing My Husband. Then I Met A Woman & Lost All Composure.
I’ve been content to spend time with my kids and friends, but I met someone and I can’t stop thinking about her.
I have been single since my divorce, going on various dates here and there, but nothing has felt right or good or even exciting. I've been very content just being a mom to my kids and spending time with my friends. Then last week I walked into the local bike shop and I lost all my composure, so enamored was I by the woman in the shop. I have been with women in my past — it was considered "experimenting" in my youth — and I had a secret relationship in my early 20s with someone. I am definitely attracted to both men and women, but have been married and in relationships exclusively with men for the last 18 years. But I got up the courage to ask this woman on a date, and we are going to dinner on Friday. I am so excited and so nervous. I'm not going to presume that she wants to be intimate with me, although if dinner goes well I'm fairly certain it could lead to that. I’ve been so focused on men that I feel like I've missed out on all these years of knowing what to do to please a woman. I’m out of practice and could really use some advice!
I love this for you for multiple reasons. But before we dive in, I just want to applaud you for what sounds to me like a very lovingly established relationship with yourself.
Feeling content with the relationships you have and the life you lead is such a good sign; so is knowing what does and doesn’t feel right (or exciting) and refusing to settle for anything less than losing all composure when you meet someone new. For all those times you could have settled for meh, you chose not to, instead staying open to chance encounters in bike shops. I want to take a quick beat to recognize how spot on your instincts have been, and might I add, still are, which is what I want to hone in on here. You clearly know from your own experience what feels right and what feels wrong.
I’m going to say that again: You know from your own experience what feels right and what feels wrong.
And, yes, now we’re talking about sex.
Because it’s all connected.
You are about to go out with someone who had an overwhelming effect on you — someone you responded to carnally, vulnerably. Someone who also made you feel brave enough to ask out on a date in the first place. Which bodes well for your ability to please her later.
Hello! Of course you’re nervous. As indeed I was the first time I ever had sex with a woman.
Because if she can bring out your bravery, vulnerability and lose-all-composure wantonness while running errands, I have a very good feeling that when it comes to an after dinner make-out-sesh, you will know how to proceed and you will enjoy yourself doing it.
That’s not to say that your nerves aren’t understandable. I mean, hello! Of course you’re nervous. I would be, too! As indeed I was the first time I ever had sex with a woman. When you spend decades equating sex acts with dick, it takes a second to acclimatize to a body that doesn’t have one. But it’s also going to make whatever intimacy you experience with her all the more titillating. And by allowing yourself to lean into your nervousness, you are also leaning into your vulnerability, which is where the best sex happens.
My first piece of advice is tell her before you go out. Remove the proverbial elephant in the room and give her the opportunity to respond to your nervousness and start an open dialogue about what excites you both. I can’t imagine her not being turned on knowing that her presence revived two decades worth of dormant desire.
I’m pretty sure she will be flattered, if not totally turned on, knowing how long it’s been since you’ve responded to a woman’s presence in this way. I certainly would.
The first time I was intimate with a woman after 20+ years of boners and blowjobs, I couldn’t stop asking, “Hi, is this okay? What about this? Does this feel good?” Which ended up making the whole situation hotter because communication is very hot! Beyond that, I realized very quickly that I knew my way around a woman’s body. And while I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience with women, I did have quite a bit of experience when it came to female pleasure, communication, and trusting my instincts.
And judging by your ability to know exactly what you do and do not want, it sounds like you do, too.
I want to answer any and all questions you all have about the exhilarating, terrifying, and wonderful experience of dating and having sex with new people after becoming a parent. Send me your questions at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Rebecca Woolf writes Romper’s Sex & the Single Mom series. She has worked as a writer for more than two decades and is the author of two books, Rockabye: From Wild to Child and All of This: A Memoir of Death and Desire. You can subscribe to her newsletter, The Braid, for more. She lives in Los Angeles with her four children.