Your Holiday Elf Can Also Have Babies, So There's That

Luckily, it’s less of a birds-and-the-bees talk and more of a “snow fell down and then there was a baby” talk.

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A holiday elf in your home is a seemingly innocent tradition, but so is decorating cookies with your children and we all know how that turns out. (The sprinkles. Why do they treat sprinkles that way?) The book that accompanies many of the popular holiday elves your family can adopt makes no mention of your elf wreaking havoc on your plumbing by flushing marshmallows down the toilet or coating your kitchen with weirdly-impossible-to-clean-up flour, but it also doesn't mention that an elf can get pregnant with just one Etsy purchase, and seriously, what are parents even doing?

We're creating magic here, people! And sometimes magic looks like tiny, adorable plastic elves that appear overnight in the arms of your happy Christmas elf. In a random stroke of festive goodwill, I decided to see what else was out there for our elf to do other than waste the good toilet paper from Costco on the stairs, and I stumbled across an entire Etsy listing for baby elves. Baby! Elves! And accessories! (Which are not licensed products, it must be noted.)

There are literally tiny bottles for your elf to feed their tiny, rosy-cheeked offspring, along with tiny birth certificates, and it's all miniature Christmas goodness. For a minute, I wondered if there was also some kind of costume pack you could buy for your elf that came with a giant belly (I had a doll that had this when I was a kid and the baby nestled upside down in a pouch of her maternity dress waiting to be expelled. It did me absolutely no service when it came time to birth my own baby), but it seems we're going to skip the whole biology part and just blame it on Santa. Santa gifting the elves with a baby that is, not impregnating your family’s elf.

The Etsy shop StitchinTheDreamShop has babies which come with a birth certificate and in light or dark skin tones.

If you can’t get enough tiny baby elf accessories, the Etsy shop MaskMamaBoutique sells little cribs, highchairs, and other baby elf furniture so your little elf family has everything they need for a visit to your house. And if you do not put these elves in your kid’s Barbie Dreamhouse or dollhouse at some point, then I don’t even know who you are anymore.

The problem here is now you have to figure out the rules. How did your elf get pregnant? Do the babies just show up one morning on a candy cane? Can the baby elves be touched? Do they have magic, too? Does this mean there are a dozen eyes watching your children at all times? That's where your own creativity comes in, parents. Pinterest does not have a Pregnant Elf Handbook available.

Honestly, you could use these baby elves to prove to your children that mothers are the ultimate multitaskers. Think your elf didn't see you hit your brother because they were rocking their baby? Think again, my friend. This ain't no straight-out-of-the-North-Pole elf. This elf has been up all night reporting to Santa with a whiny baby elf on their hip — they have zero time for your reindeer games.

So if you're wondering how to make your family’s Christmas elf pregnant, the answer is you just... get a baby? From Etsy? And then they're pregnant and can enjoy all the not-so-silent nights you're currently suffering at the hands of your own tiny spawn. (Which you very decidedly did not order from Etsy, alas.)

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