Scheduling Sex In A Relationship Is Totally Healthy & Fun
Couples therapists agree that planning for a romp may be the best way to get intimate with each other.
Parents know the feeling: after working all day, picking up the kids, making dinner, and getting them to sleep, you finally crash into bed together. This is where the magic used to happen, but as usual, you’re just too tired. That’s why you should try scheduling sex with your partner. While putting intimacy on the calendar may sound like the least romantic method to have more sex, it can actually be a relationship lifesaver.
When you look back on those early days of your relationship, it probably feels like you were different people. It’s easy to want to have sex all the time when you’re newly together (and totally obsessed with each other) and don’t have so many obligations eating up your time. And, if you’re thinking about adding intimacy to your weekly schedule, it can feel like you’re the only couple who has to schedule their sex life. But it’s a lot more common than you think.
Kathryn Smerling, Ph.D., LCSW, is a psychotherapist based in New York City who frequently works with couples. In an interview with Romper, she says scheduling sex is a great way to make sure you’re frequently connecting with your person.
“It’s perfectly normal and sometimes it works better than spontaneous sex because everyone is so busy, and there are children and all kinds of distractions involved,” she says. “It’s a scheduled time for connection when we all neglect connection in our busy lives. Making time for that is a wise idea, and fun!”
About that “fun” part — admittedly, scheduling sex sounds, well, kind of the opposite. But if you’re purposely setting aside time to be intimate, you can get a little more elaborate with your plans and try things you’ve never been able to before.
“It can be sexy and fun and a little clandestine, like a rendezvous at noon when the kids aren’t around,” Smerling says. “You might go to a hotel to have sex in a place you’ve never been before. Have sex on the living room floor. Try a new position. Go to a sex shop and buy some toys. Figure out what turns you on. Ask each other funny questions about sex. Don’t limit yourself to what you’ve been doing before. It’s a way to play and do something different.”
Smerling recommends scheduling sex to busy couples with young children, or people who are otherwise too tired by nighttime when spontaneous sex may be most likely to happen.
“People who notice they’re moving apart from each other or haven’t shared intimacy in quite a while because of their busy lives can schedule it,” she says. “This way they can schedule something that is more appropriate to their time clocks. You could schedule it around a lunch hour, and I think the unusualness makes for more of a sexy interaction anyway.”
There’s no right or wrong amount you should be having sex in a week, so Smerling says it’s up to each couple to decide for themselves how often to schedule it. That starts with an honest discussion about each person’s wants and needs.
“People are loath to discuss sex, but they have to. One person usually will express dissatisfaction, so before that becomes a crisis, reach out and talk to your partner about what you need. The more transparent you can be in your needs, the more you’ll get what you want.”