Take Your Child To Work Day
So why not show your kid the best way to balance a laptop and coffee mug on the edge of the bathtub.
This April 22 is National “Take Your Child to Work Day,” a special day wherein parents are encouraged to bring their kids along to their place of employment. This annual event encourages children to learn a bit about the workforce, explore different careers, and spend some quality time with mom or dad.
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I shall now pause while you throw your head back in wild, maniacal laughter, banging the table with both fists. For it’s true that “Take Your Child to Work Day” feels like a rather absurd exercise in the year 2021. As I am currently writing this from the toilet, while my child shouts from the other side of the door that “Minecraft won’t loooooad!” And considering that I have now spent so many hours with my son that I suspect his umbilical cord has regenerated and reattached, I am not so sure we are in need of more “quality time.”
However, I am very fortunate that I still have a job. And that I have the kind of job that has allowed me to work from the comfort of my commode, while wearing only a sports bra. And so, in the spirit of honoring this educational tradition, I have rounded up some pandemic-era suggestions for this year’s “Take Your Child to Work Day.” Though to be honest, I am a bit more excited for the now little-known, but once quite popular, “Take Your Child to School Day.”
Create An Authentic Work Space
Take your child into their own bedroom, which for the past year has also doubled as your office. Seat them on their bed in a pile of laundry that has yet to be folded, with a stack of Ty World stuffies shoved behind their back for optimal ergonomic seating. Place a laptop on their knees, and show them how to carefully balance their coffee upon a copy of Moo Baa La La La. Leave them to answer some emails. Allow them to answer one to two emails — just enough to start to feel productive — then go bang on the door and scream that you are hungry again. When they suggest you maybe ask Daddy instead, act like they are speaking an alien language you do not comprehend, and continue screaming for Cheerios.
Show Them A Picture Of A Droid In Leggings
As this is apparently what you are supposed to be at this moment in time — a mechanical being that can do all of the things, all of the time, while wearing stretchy pants. Work. Teach Common Core. Vacuum up the hair. Play Barbies. Buy bread. Apply neck cream. Not strangle Daddy when he decides to take a nap in the middle of the day. Make dinner. Ad infinitum.
As you are but a droid in leggings. And those leggings are stained with Birthday Cake Oreo.
Give Them A Real Feel For Your Day
If you can’t physically take your child to work, why not just give them a general sense of what your day is like? Have them balance on a wire over a bonfire while spinning several fragile plates upon greased sticks of dynamite. Blast an airhorn 4 inches from their face every few minutes. Have them do this for approximately 17 hours. Then have them watch 19 minutes of Bridgerton before passing out.
Show Them The Truth
Find a mirror. Position your child in front of it. There! You have shown them the bulk of your work. (And it’s a job you of course love, and wouldn’t trade for anything, etc., etc. But also? Parenting is kind of exhausting when there are absolutely zero breaks? And I mean zero breaks. As in, you and your husband fight over who gets to go get the mail and experience three minutes of solitude.)
Take Your Child To WERK Day
Your actual work day is a sh*t show, let’s be honest. So why not gather up all of your best wigs and boas, and take your kid to the Werk Room, a la Rupaul’s Drag Race? Together you can practice your sashay and splits, then brainstorm some killer drag names: Madame Purella de Zoom! Miss Youtuba Buffering! Lady Screaminto Thevoid! After, wipe the glitter from your lids, hand your kid the iPad, and treat yourself to something nice. Like going to get the mail!
Honestly, it’s been a year of Take Your Child To Work Days. I think we’ve hit the quota. They know we work. They’ve probably popped into more of your Zoom meetings than your company’s CEO has. If your child has watched you feverishly type into a laptop at all hours, has seen you take phone call after phone call and remain professional while spreading peanut butter on toast, has seen the way you juggle it all while still making sure their favorite pajamas are washed at bedtime, then my friend, they’ve seen you work. And hopefully they’ll always remember this year of watching Mom be a total bad*ss while they enjoyed more screen-time than they ever thought possible.
