Your Partner Can Make Or Break Your Postpartum Experience

“What’s wrong with me?” This question was looping through Kara Kushnir’s mind during the first hazy weeks after having her son. She was struggling to connect with him following a traumatic birth that ended in major medical complications for her and a NICU stay for him.

At the same time, Kushnir, a licensed clinical social worker, was hypervigilant about his safety and well-being. She would obsessively track every feed, dirty diaper, minute slept, and ounce pumped. She regularly woke up throughout the night to check his breathing. She was plagued by debilitating intrusive thoughts. “I wouldn’t give my son a bath by myself because I was terrified that he’d accidentally drown and it would be my fault,” says Kushnir.

She would later be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), postpartum anxiety (PPA), and postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (POCD). But for the first five or six months of her son’s life, all she knew was that she didn’t feel like herself.

Breastfeeding was a particular pain point, as she struggled to produce enough milk to keep up with her baby’s demands. “I felt like such a failure,” she says.

One day, her husband walked into their bedroom to find her sobbing while pumping. “He said to me, ‘I really need you to know that if you were to stop trying to breastfeed or pump right now, it will be OK. If you need someone to give you permission to stop and remind you that it’s not a failure, please hear that from me. Your son deserves for you to be well. He doesn't care what you feed him, and I will love and support you no matter what you choose because you're more important than freaking breast milk,’” she recalls.

“I’m not failing. I’m struggling. That’s different.”

Those words marked the beginning of Kushnir’s recovery. Her husband’s acknowledgment and validation of her experience became a mirror through which she could see a different perspective. “I was able to acknowledge, ‘I’m trying so hard, and this shouldn’t be so hard. I’m not failing; I’m struggling. That’s different,’” she says.

How the “Partner Factor” Affects PPD

It’s one of the early questions friends, family, and even healthcare professionals ask new moms during the newborn days: Is your partner helping? Are they taking their fair share of night wakings? Are they taking the baby to give you time to shower, go for a walk, eat a meal? Is anyone taking care of you?

These questions aren’t just about fairness or logistics. Support is crucial for new parents’ well-being. The entire first year after having a child is a high-risk time for concerns such as postpartum depression (PPD), PPA, and POCD, says Joy Baker, M.D., Georgia-based OB/GYN, vice chair of obstetrics/gynecology and pediatrics at Wellstar Health System.

Many factors contribute to postpartum mental health conditions, including hormone changes and situational influences such as lack of sleep and the mental load that comes with caring for a newborn. But recent evidence shows that a supportive, engaged partner can make a staggering difference in people’s experiences of PPD.

Just having a partner can make you 71% less likely to develop severe PPD symptoms, compared to solo parents, reports the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Naturally, relationship quality matters, too. People in happy marriages report four times less perinatal distress (a measure of depression, anxiety, and stress) during their first year postpartum, according to a 2021 review published in the journal Healthcare.

“Remember that ‘fair’ doesn’t always mean ‘equal.’ Sometimes partnerships are 50-50, but sometimes they’re 80-20.”

There are several ways a partner can ease the burden of PPD or other postpartum mental health issues.

• Noticing red flags. A partner is an outside observer. They may notice that you’re not acting like yourself well before you’d register that yourself, which is important since “the faster you’re able to identify the symptoms and get help, the quicker recovery or reduced symptoms can happen,” notes Jennifer Teplin, L.C.S.W., founder and clinical director of Manhattan Wellness. For Kushnir, her husband’s gentle nudging kickstarted her recovery. “He encouraged me to get help and did not want me to feel ashamed about it, which was one of the massive pieces that helped me,” she says.
• Carrying more weight. If one partner is struggling with their mental health, the other can take on more household and child care labor. Kushnir’s husband “really stepped into the caregiving role,” she explains. “He took care of my son way more than I did in the beginning. He changed far more diapers than I did, and he didn’t even blink.” Remember that “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal.” “Sometimes partnerships are 50-50, but sometimes they’re 80-20, and you really need that partner to show up — especially when you're dealing with postpartum recovery,” says Baker.
• Listening to concerns. Having a sounding board to bounce your worries or questions off of — even if they don’t have the answers — can ease some of the emotional load that comes with caring for a newborn. Just feeling like you can consult your partner or someone else about child care issues makes you seven times less likely to develop postpartum depression than someone with no social support, according to a 2020 study in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health.
• Advocating for you. If you’re having a hard time, taking steps to find professional support can feel impossible. Your partner can encourage you to get help and attend doctor’s appointments with you, speaking up for you when necessary. “A partner can help you find your voice with your care providers so you can access what you need,” says Baker.

How Both Partners Can Be Supportive In Postpartum

“Most partners want to be supportive; they just may not know how,” says Baker. That cuts both ways: Even if you know you want more help during postpartum, you may not know exactly what you need or how to ask loved ones for it.

Simply being cognizant of common, unintentional missteps people make during this tricky period can help you avoid them in your own relationships and give you the language to talk about issues as they arise.

Don’t offer encouragement. Instead, offer validation.

When someone expresses that they’re struggling, oftentimes their partner responds by saying something like, ‘You’ve got this! You’re a great mom!’ says Baker. “It’s an understandable reaction, but it can feel dismissive. Partners want to be encouraging, but the mom is actually saying, ‘Hey, I don’t got this. I need help.’”

People with PPD or other mental health conditions don’t need to be encouraged or uplifted — they need to feel heard and validated, and to be given time to focus on healing themselves. A more validating response might sound something like, “OK, this can happen, especially during postpartum. Let’s figure out what we need to do to get you back to feeling like yourself,” suggests Baker.

Don’t ask, “How can I help?” Instead, take full ownership.

“Asking someone what they need adds another decision to a mind that’s already overwhelmed or not feeling as capable as normal,” says Teplin. “Instead of asking, ‘What can I do?’ partners could begin to identify everyday tasks they can take over for their partner and any little thing they can do to take responsibility off of them. Reducing decision-making can be an impactful way to support someone with PPD.”

Don’t wing the division of labor. Instead, discuss roles ahead of time.

Plenty of couples assume they’ll figure out how to split up household tasks once the baby arrives, says Baker. This can often result in one partner feeling overworked and overwhelmed — and then you’re left trying to figure out how to adjust the division of labor when you’re also dealing with the stress and sleep deprivation of a newborn.

Determine how you want to handle laundry, cooking, and nighttime feeds before the baby comes — you can always adjust as needed, but having a game plan will limit the sense of drowning when the baby comes home, says Baker.

Don’t avoid tough conversations. Instead, tackle mental health head-on, together.

Partners of people with PPD or other postpartum mental health issues often avoid the topic of mental health or depression entirely out of fear of upsetting their partner, which can contribute to feelings of shame or isolation, says Teplin.

If possible, talk explicitly about the possibility of PPD, PPA, or POCD (for either parent) when you’re expecting, and plan for continued check-ins about mental health throughout the postpartum period, she suggests. “By touching base with your partner, you’re normalizing their experience and creating a space for them to share without needing to decide to bring it up themselves,” Teplin says.

How to Create a United Front

For Kushnir, her husband’s support was instrumental in her healing. He provided emotional and practical support, encouraging her to seek treatment and taking over the lion’s share of the household and child care duties so she could focus on herself. Slowly, she began to feel well again.

As her husband tended to her and their son’s well-being, she realizes in retrospect that his own mental health was deprioritized as a result. “Looking back, he definitely had postpartum depression,” she says. “He was taking care of my son and me and doing everything, but nobody asked him how he was doing. I wish that there was more taking care of him too, because of how much was placed on him in his stepping up.”

That’s the message Kushnir hopes to pass on to anyone who will listen: No one is immune to postpartum mental health struggles, and the right support can make all the difference. “It doesn't mean you're a bad mom if you're struggling,” she says. “It means you care. And you deserve to enjoy the baby you're caring for.”

The first year postpartum is a high-risk time for intimate partner violence. If you ever feel unsafe in your relationship for any reason, including controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, threats, or isolation, reach out to resources such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or your healthcare provider.

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