If you're a mother who has dared to leave her home without her child, chances are you've heard the question, "Where's your kid?" Is it just me, or does it sound like that old-school and ominous, "It's 10:00 p.m. Do you know where your children are?" PSA? Perhaps it's well-meaning, but this inquiry sure comes off as judgmental. I mean, of course I know where my kid is. So if you're tired of being quizzed on the location of your offspring, I've devised some clever responses to someone asking, "Where's your kid?" After all, the distance between myself and my child doesn't determine how much of a "good mom" I am.
I put my daughter in a Spanish immersion preschool when she was 18-months-old. I wanted her to be bilingual, to be sure, but I also wanted to start working part-time. During the summer months my mom stays with us so I can continue working. I also leave my little one with a babysitter every once in awhile, usually to go to appointments or do something nice for myself. Occasionally, I let her play in the backyard by herself. When I'm not with my child, I'm always fairly certain of her location. I mean, she doesn't have a tracking device, but she's with someone I trust. (The dog counts, right? I kid. I kid.)
When someone asks where my kid is, it's like they can't believe I'd leave her to, oh, I don't know, support my family financially or allow my child to explore her world by herself. It's like once I had a baby my identity (and definitely the amount of social currency I'm able to acquire) hinges on whether or not my child and I are attached at the hip. I mean, what kind of mom would I be if I didn't stare at my child every second of every day, perhaps even losing sleep in the process? Yeah, hard pass, thank you very much.
So next time the sanctimonious set question the whereabouts of your progeny, feel free to respond accordingly:
"I Thought You Had Them"
They're not with you? What? Oh, well, in that case I'm going to need to make a call.
"Kids? What Kids?"
I have children? And here I thought these stretch marks were from that time I ate too many street tacos.
"Do You Believe In UFOs?"
I'm not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens.
"I Sold Them To The Circus"
Turns out stepping on Legos is excellent training for the bed of nails. Who knew, right?
Children, you're welcome for your early education and training in the art of all things entertainment.
"Somewhere Making Good Decisions, I Hope"
They're unsupervised with a pair of scissors. What could possibly go wrong?
"Two Words: Invisibility Cloak"
And I solemnly swear they are up to no good.
"Did I Forget To Let Them Out?"
I mean, people like to compare their fur babies to human babies all the time, so, um, the same rules apply, right?
"I Don't Know"
I mean, I'm pretty sure they're at daycare/soccer practice/home with grandma, but who really knows where anyone is, amirite?
Apparently it's the best state in which to raise healthy and happy kids. Seeing as I am an excellent mother, obviously I have sent my children to live in the healthiest state in the United States. Man, the sacrifices we make for our children, right?!