Being that it was basically Jessica & Her Couch & Her Phone: A Love Story while I was gestating my first baby, there were very few methods of mobile entertainment I didn't experiment with at least once. And frankly, given the recent beautiful advances in social media technology — There are the best new Snapchat stickers! You can use gifs on Instagram now! What a time to be alive! — I'm a little sad that pregnant me back in the dark ages of 2011/2012 had to miss out. Well, to be more to the point, my sister is truly the one who missed out, since she's the "lucky" person who got the "privilege" of being on the receiving end of the endless string of texts, emails, Facebook messages, and tweets (I would tag her in them even though she never uses Twitter and has pretty much only ever logged in to check something I tagged her in)... I was more or less live-blogging my pregnancy through social media while perpetually waiting for my delivery food to arrive.
(God, I was really living my best life. That's not a joke. "Pregnancy is an exquisite vacation." – me, the exhausted parent of a now-3-year-old.)
The one social media platform I didn't get down on while I was pregnant was Snapchat, and I'm retroactively pretty bummed about it. Honestly, is there a better platform for pregnancy-related content? Let me save you the effort of mulling this over: there's not. Think about it: How many weird, gross, awkward, uncomfortable, and hilarious-but-slightly-embarrassing things go down during pregnancy that you want to share with your best friends...but also don't want them having any lasting record of? Being full of fetus is essentially the prime "OMG look at this but then let's never speak of it again" moment in a person's life, aka, exactly what Snapchat is ideally suited to.
Flash forward to 2015 and my decidedly not-pregnant self can't get enough to Snapchat. And my sister, the perennial receiver of my day-to-day digital missives, is even more obsessed with it. Like, I basically only use it to keep up with her. Which makes me even more disappointed that I didn't use it while I was pregnant. With the social media platform's latest round of updates comes a heap of new stickers, and I implore you, guys: Don't be like me. Take advantage of Snapchat while you're pregnant. Bombard your loved ones with temporary documentation of your budding stretch marks. You were born for this. You can do it.
Here's how it might look:
When You're Bored
Oh hi, sister. Maybe I'm going to ask about your day; maybe I'm going to send you a photo of my obscenely growing boobs. Who knows what this day might hold!
When Something Makes You Sad
Like a laundry commercial or thinking about puppies (not anything bad happening to them, or a specifically puppy you know who died or whatever; just puppies, like, as a concept because they're so beautiful and pure).
When You're Hungry (So, Always)
I gotta give it up, Snapchat: You know what the people want.
When Someone Asks You If You're Planning On Getting An Epidural/Breastfeeding/Co-Sleeping/Taking Maternity Leave...
Uhh, this is Snapchat, not the spreadsheet where I aggressively plan every detail of my pregnancy/birth/parenting plan/life. And also, just don't ask me those questions. If you want to be helpful, please see the aforementioned bacon sticker.
When You Realize You Have No Idea What You're Doing
LOL I can't believe there's about to be a human coming out of me and then actual adult doctors are going to look at me and be like, "Yup, you get to take it home and take care of it forever. Seems legit." This is going to be a disaster.
When You Drop Something During Your 3rd Trimester And Your Partner Is In The Next Room
I know I have an entire bag full of other chips, but that one looked especially good and I want it and don't question me or I'll get you pregnant NO YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.
When You Need To Talk Sh*t To Someone Else About Your Partner For Shaming Your Chip Journey
Like, why did he have to make it weird? I just wanted him to pick up a chip. It's not that serious. Can I live?
When You're Full Of Profound Emotions That You Feel The Need To Express But Can't Figure Out
It's fine. This is normal.
When You Remember Having Feet Once But Now You're Like, "Wait, What Even Are Feet? Are They Still Down There?"
Anyone's guess, really.
When You Barely Feel Human Anymore; When You Have So Much To Do That You Decide To Take A Nap Instead; And When You Can't Fit Into Any Of Your Clothes And You're Over It
I actually kinda feel like these stickers are about being pregnant. It's too real.