Some things are well-known for their simplicity. You know, things like paint by numbers, chewing gum, and the Apple interface. Oh, and breastfeeding, of course. In fact, I would go so far as to say that
breastfeeding is the easiest thing you'll ever do in your entire life. I mean, how hard can it be to take your boob out, put baby on your boob, and, well, that's it! Done! There's literally nothing else to it, right? It's just so easy. I just can't possibly fathom where this complete and total myth that some women have any difficulty possibly could have come from.
You see, friends, I had a
pretty easy time breastfeeding. That means that everyone, everywhere, throughout time and space, also had an easy time. That's how this whole parenting thing works, right? Whatever I have experienced, personally, is what every other parent on the planet has either experienced or will experience or should experience, too. And if they didn't or haven't or won't, it's because something is wrong with them. Remember, your experiences and perspectives are measures by which you should judge everyone else. Duh.
That's why I believe it's oh-so important to share the indisputable, universal reasons why
breastfeeding is such a walk in the park. All my reasons are based on facts (read: alternative facts), science (read: pseudo science), and a desire to help other women realize how simple a beautiful and fulfilling breastfeeding relationship with a child can be achieved (read: a desire to condescend and sit in silent, smug judgment of others). Because It's Natural
How can literally anything from nature ever be bad or difficult? It's
natural. Only wonderful, perfect things come out of nature. Like, well, have you ever notice how a banana fits perfectly in a human hand? Or how the baby gazelle always escapes the hungry cheetah in nature documentaries (and therefore, I assume, in the wild as well)? Or how all viruses are clearly created in a lab by the Illuminati and are definitely never naturally occurring? "Naturally" is the best, most convenient way to do absolutely everything! I honestly don't know why we ever developed all these unnatural things, like cars or indoor plumbing or vaccines. Mother Nature just wants to be your friend, you guys. Because Maternity Leave Is A Totally Reasonable Amount Of Time To Get The Hang Of Everything
According to a 2017 National Study of Employers, led by the Society For Human Resource Management, the
average American mother gets 12 weeks of maternity leave. Unless, of course, she is among the 40 percent of workers not covered under provision, as reported by the United States Department of Labor, in which case her leave may be two weeks long or completely non-existent.
No matter how much time you have, though, that's
plenty of time to master breastfeeding, build a big enough supply to be able to feed your baby when you go back to work, and learn how to effectively pump. I mean, what else are you doing during maternity leave, right? You can obviously devote the vast majority of your time to learning how to breastfeed. Because Everyone Is Always Really Supportive
Everyone is so encouraging and knows exactly what to say. From employers, who never give you any grief about taking adequate pumping breaks (not to mention a super-sweet
place to pump) to that totally non-judgmental lady in your favorite restaurant, you'll never feel awkward or uncomfortable. Oh, and don't forget about your old-fashioned, prudish family members and your "friend" who cheers you on by saying ."I guess you can stop if you really don't love your baby enough." Trust me, you will be overwhelmed by the generosity with which other people give you their opinions. It makes everything so simple, you guys. Because Babies Are So Cooperative...
Babies are, like,
really smart. On top of their previously mentioned natural ability to breastfeed properly, all the time they spent in the womb they were reading medical journals and scientific tomes about breastfeeding techniques and benefits. At least I assume that's what they were doing, because there really isn't much else to do in there. ...And Neither They Nor You Ever Have Any Medical Issues Or Difficulties That Could Complicate Nursing
You guys, things like viruses, tongue tie,
allergies, improper latch, colic, silent reflux, or necessary medications incompatible with breastfeeding are Illuminati conspiracies. Everyone knows that. Because It Never, Ever Hurts
How could it hurt? Hahahahaha! See how much I'm laughing at this completely outrageous claim? Hahahahaha! No, don't interrupt my laughter with your questions, counter arguments, or showing me your detached nipple! Hahahahaha! No! Of course I'm not laughing really loud and insistently in a panicked and desperate attempt to hide the fact that breastfeeding can be painful. What a silly idea! Because It's So Easy To Incorporate Breastfeeding Into Your Life
I mean seriously, guys. It's only
7-10 times a day for 10-40 minutes a pop. If you have time to play The Candy Crush or goof off on The Facebooks then you certainly have time to do this simple task that requires tremendous concentration and physically limits your movement. What could be easier than sitting in a chair for up to 400 minutes a day? I certainly can't think of anything or how this could possibly present a problem. Because Breast Pumps Are Awesome
must be away from your baby for any length of time in the first year of their life (for some inexplicable and inexcusable reason, you monster) don't worry! At lease you have a breast pump, and those things are amazing, right? They're crazy comfortable, super easy to carry around with you (as are the bottles of milk you pump), and just as effective at retrieving milk as a baby! You're going to love secluding yourself from your co-workers or social activities in exciting locales (like broom closets, bathrooms, or the corners of conference rooms) to keep up this beautiful easy breastfeeding relationship with your child. Because It's Not Like There's An Entire Industry That Wants You To Feed Your Baby Something Other Than Your Breast Milk
OMG, could you imagine if there were companies out there that sent you samples of this crazy "
baby milk formula" product to try to encourage you to use it right away before you even attempted to nurse? Ha! That's funny! It'd be even funnier if they continued reminding you about its existence by sending you home with samples. Real talk: I'm still tremendously grateful for the samples of formula I received from companies, both in the mail and at the hospital. But let's be honest and highlight the fact that they didn't do it as an altruistic favor. They did it because they hoped doing so would make me a loyal formula customer. Whether or not one chooses to become a regular formula user is of course a completely valid personal choice, as I hope this satirical article has already highlighted. And while formula companies' marketing practices are far from the only or even more compelling reason women choose not to breastfeed, I won't pretend they don't have a stake in this possibility and therefore motivation to effect the outcome. Because It Comes With Zero Psychological Baggage
How could there be? It's nothing more than a deeply personal and physical relationship with your child that has nevertheless been couched in a tremendous amount of both social pressure
and shame. After all, society's ideas about women's bodies, parenthood, and eating are all so straightforward, positive, and simple. It would be really hard to make that an issue that could ever be a source of anxiety for anyone involved, right?