As I was growing up, my mother constantly reminded me to, “choose [my] friends wisely.” There are some ways Harry Potter ruined my life and my relationship with my mother. My mother is an incredibly sweet woman and if the sorting hat had ever gotten ahold of her, she’d have been designated a permanent Hufflepuff. Sadly for her, she raised a kid who is a die-hard Slytherin; I was practically born with a dark mark and a cruel wand. So even though she meant well by telling me to choose my friends wisely, she failed to take into account the difference between her definition of "good" and mine.
My mom valued things like politeness and gratitude, whereas I was significantly more interested in finding people who were willing to go along with my evil kid-plans. As life advanced and I selected my group of permanent friends, the people whom I’ll cherish forever regardless of their active presence or absence in my life, it’s no surprise that my best friends are Slytherin too, just like me.
When it comes to BFFs, I’m dang lucky. I have someone who understands me and is fine with the random shenanigans (for which he’s usually responsible) I get up to. But, as you might guess, there are a few distinct side effects to having a BFF in Slytherin House. With a Slytherin always at your side, things happen a little bit differently. Of course, by “differently” I mean there’s always a chance it’s going to end in law-breaking and/or bloodshed. But hey, you signed on for this friendship.
So, what happens when your BFF is a Slytherin?
A Lot Of Truly Terrible Ideas Will Be Called "Awesome Ideas" And Done Anyway
When your best friend is a Gryffindor and you throw out a ludicrous and dangerous idea, they will probably tell you to stuff it back in your coat pocket. But when your best friend is a Slytherin and you pose a possibly fatal idea (hitchhiking through the desert, perhaps), it’s game on.
You Get Blamed For Stuff
No matter where we were when it happened, everyone looks to us when stuff goes down. Someone put soap in the school fountain? Not me. Someone managed to get a cow to the fourth floor of the guy’s dorms? Also, not me. No matter what it is, we get blamed. And every once in a great while, it actually wasn’t us. If you're best friends with a Slytherin, you've probably got more than your share of "guilty by association" to deal with.
You'll Drink The Good Booze
With an elite perception of self comes an elite perception of alcohol. We Slytherins may not always drink, but when we do, we drink like we know what the hell we’re doing.
Dark Magic Pays Well
Wielding the dark arts can be extremely beneficial to the pocket book. Especially if your best friend is so Slytherin that his word becomes law. We haven't exactly knocked off any banks or invaded any small countries (yet), but it's certainly possible that it's in the 10-year plan.
You Can Get In Anywhere, And You Always Have Excellent Service.
Look, having a best friend in Slytherin has its perks. You want to sit at a specific table in a restaurant? Yeah, that can happen. Or at least, it can when every waiter is terrified your BFF is going to cast a killing curse. OK, maybe this doesn't actually work out well in the long run.
You Tell Each Other To Shut Up A Lot
But that’s OK. Between you and your BFF, being casually mean to each other is kind of your love language.
You Guys Play Rough
Slytherins are nothing if not adept at administering pain. And guess what? It's not always in a mean-spirited way! If anyone is likely to mess around with our best friends in ways that look very much to outsiders like actual violent fights, it's us. But it's all fun. You just won't ever understand unless you're in a BFFship with a Slytherin. Being officially an adult is not a sufficient excuse to avoid roughhousing with your bestie.
Their Cleverness Will Rub Off On You
Yes, Slytherins are masters of evil but they are also quite intelligent. The longer you hang out with your Slytherin BFF, the smarter you’ll be.
Your Hufflepuff Mother Will Be Sad
She may look at you and shake her head from time to time. Don’t worry, she’s not really shaking her head at you. She’s shaking her head at herself and wondering where she went wrong.
You’ll Never Face The World Alone
Beneath layers of dark fabric and deception, Slytherins are the most loyal people you’ll find. We don’t love often (it’s totally overrated and makes you weak), but when we do, we do love fantastically. Our people are our people and when we say we’ll stand by you in death, we probably mean an actual death that will come about by one of our crazy schemes. But hey, at least with a BFF in Slytherin, you won’t be facing the enemy alone.