Let's not pretend motherhood is all roses and sunshine. The cold, hard truth is; it's gross. There, I said it. Between whatever was supposed to land in the toilet (and didn't) and fishing chewed-up apple from a child's squirrelly cheeks hours after eating the thing (yes, that really happened), there's little that isn't gross about being a parent. In fact, I'd argue you'll experience a few too many moments that remind you that motherhood is the most disgusting you'll ever do. It's just part of the journey, I suppose (however repulsive that journey may be).
When my daughter was young, she caught a pre-kindergarten stomach bug. We tucked her into bed and kissed her goodnight just as we had all the nights before, only this would be no ordinary night. About an hour later, I smelled something sour. The foul scent lingered down the hallway, alerting us to the origin: her room. We found our little princess, and her entire bed, covered — no, saturated — in vomit. I'm not talking a little bit. I mean full coverage. The best part? She'd gone back to sleep immediately after and would've remained in the epicenter of what can only be described as a vomit storm, if I hadn't checked on her. Seriously?
Obviously this is just one extreme example of how our children can gross us out. Honestly, on a relatively daily basis I'm surprised by yet another disgusting feat that surpasses the previous one. In the spirit of motherhood and all the things we do, here are a few ways being a parent is one of the most disgusting things you'll ever do. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Urine Is On Everything. Every. Single. Thing.
It doesn't matter if you're potty-training or not, urine is part of the "job."
I've cleaned urine from walls, toys, and furniture more times than I can count and since my son is only 5-years-old, I don't reckon it will end anytime soon. The bonus of all the pee is, you'll eventually get to a point it doesn't bother you as much as it once did. So there's that to look forward to.
When Your Child Sneezes, They Use You As A Tissue
The fact is, if your kid is sick you won't always have a tissue readily available. What's the next best thing? You! I'm sure a lot of moms can attest; when you're in public and a sneeze or cough is coming, there's an unspoken rule that you will be their shield. That's part of motherhood law, I think.
You've Cleanded Feces From Weird Places More Times Than You Can Count
Again with the bodily functions! They just can't help themselves because, unlike us, they've yet to figure out that it's not cool to poop in the tub.
For the record, this is my least favorite part of being a mother, but something that happens far too often so I'm (against my will, I assure you) learning to live with it.
You Ask Your Child To Spit Food In Your Hand
That feeling when your child is chewing something and there's a definitive moment of, "I don't like this" so you hold your hand out and it's understood that they'll just drop the chewed-up food into your palm? Yeah, I've been there. Just a few minutes ago, actually.
Because I think I still do this as an adult, I'm not sure if it ever ends.
You've Cleaned Vomit From Bed Linens At Midnight
With germs running rampant at school, daycare, and life, your kids are going to get sick at some point. As previously mentioned, I've had my fair share of vomit-cleaning in my day. While I hope it's not going to happen again (and anytime soon), at least I know I can get through it.
Then again, it's not something you ever get used to and, unfortunately and no matter what you do, the smell never goes away. Ever. Yay!
You've Used The "Spit Bath" A Few Times
There's no shame in dabbing a little smudge of dirt or food from your little one's chin and as a parent, you're continually looking for ways to get something done quickly. I'll confess, I've done the whole face wipe-down from time to time. Sometimes, a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do.
You've Had Your Hands In The Toilet Abyss In Desperate Search Of Lost Toys
When it comes down to it, the toilet is really just a water vessel, right? Of course it inhabits billions of germs and the mere thought of reaching inside might've sent me into a tizzy pre-children but, now that I have kids, someone has to fish out that Lego and my children have mysteriously vanished.
You Wear Clothes With Questionable Stains On Them (All Day Long, Usually)
Yeah, there's something on my sweatshirt right now and, I won't lie; I don't know what it is. Could be chocolate or it could be something that resembles chocolate (if you know what I mean).
Motherhood is messy but adding to my laundry pile doesn't really help matters so I'll just hope I'm wearing chocolate and call it a day. I have no shame.
You Pick Your Child's Nose
Yes, I have used my own finger to dig in my son or daughter's nose. Sometimes, things get lodged in there and other times, well, there isn't a single tissue in sight. If your kids are anything like my son, they might even pick the culprit for you, then lay the "surprise" in your hand. Lucky me!
You Clean Other Items With Your Saliva
Whether it's a pacifier early on, or a piece of food you accidentally dropped on the floor (five second rule), cleaning with your mouth isn't one of the more glamorous aspects of parenting but really, what is? Seriously, what is?
Whether you've done one of these things, or all of them, the fact remains that motherhood is pretty gross. There's no way around it. Before I became a parent, I never imagined I'd ever do any of these things, let alone all of them and on a pretty regular basis. At the end of the day, I'll simply say: it's a good thing kids are so cute. Otherwise, they'd get their own Legos from the toilet.