Raising children is like slugging your way through one endless barrage of dangerous, disgusting, and sometimes downright stomach-churning situations. Thanks to my two children I've seen, heard, and experienced it all. They both seem to top themselves every time I think, "Finally, they've grown out of that disgusting phase." Being a parent is a strange journey of wiping one thing, then another thing, as children grow. So yeah, there are more than a few times raising kids is gross AF, and I have, unfortunately, experienced them all.
One moment that immediately comes to mind involves my daughter. When she was around 5 years old, she contracted a stomach flu that refused to die. On night, when my partner and I were sure the worst was over, I smelled something sour from the hallway as I made my way to bed. The stench was so strong that when I cracked her door open to check on her, it made me sick. Not only had my sweet girl not recovered, but she didn't even wake to tell us she'd thrown up all over herself before falling back asleep. Her vomit was everywhere, but she was so exhausted she, well, didn't seem to mind. My partner and I had to wake her up so we could clean everything.
Unfortunately, that incident wasn't the first, or the last, time I had to care for a vomit-covered child. So believe me when I say that getting rid of the smell of puke from a bed is next to impossible. Thankfully, my son has yet to throw up in his room. Oh no, he saves it for our living room furniture. Parenting is so much fun, you guys. So with that in mind, why not celebrate that "fun" by remembering all the times raising kids is straight-up gross. At least our kids are cute, right?
When They Sleep In Their Own Vomit
It doesn't get a whole lot more disgusting than when your child throws up all over themselves then sleeps in it. It's definitely a biohazard to walk into a room only to see everything my child has eaten throughout the day on her bed, her floor, and knotted in her hair.
When They're Covered In Snot
The snot is never-ending, I swear. In fact, if my son doesn't need a tissue at all hours of the day, I know something's physically wrong with him. Actually, I can't remember the last time I went a day without him coming up to me and wiping his snot on my sleeve.
When They Pee On Everything
I loathe taking my kids to a public bathroom because they seem to fall into the toilet every single time. Then, at home, they're either overflowing the toilet so it runs into other rooms, missing the toilet completely when they try to pee, or somehow getting the mess everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
When They Forget How To Eat
We can't go to a restaurant without at least on of my kids smearing food all over their faces, flinging it onto my clothes, or playing with it until we're finished. It's like they forget how to put food in their mouths when we're around other people.
When They Discover They Can Reach Things
Sometimes, you don't realize your kids are big enough to reach the sugars, flours, oils, and, milk until you find them whisking "breakfast" on the kitchen counter. Adorable? Yes. In theory. Because was it "adorable" when my daughter started doing this? Absolutely not.
When They Think The World Is Their Toilet
My partner's mother loves to tell us the story of how he pooped in the community pool. He was as young as my son is, and didn't really know better, but it's a running joke he can't escape. Our kids have gone in the bathtub more times than I care to admit. Every time was as gross as the one before, and none of them are memories I prefer to laugh about with other people.
When They Hide Food In Weird Places
My 5-year-old son used to hide his food. My partner and I assumed he, you know, was chewing and swallowing his food, but he was keeping it tucked away in his adorable little cheeks, then hiding his food in his bedroom. I've located apple cores in toy boxes, goldfish in car seats, and melted M&Ms, or rotted lunch meat literally everywhere they shouldn't be.
When They Constantly Pick At Themselves
Kids like to pick things, starting with their noses and ending, well, every other nook and cranny of their body.
When They Straight-Up Smell
Yes, babies smell like magic, and even toddlers can hold onto that cute baby breath for a while. But when your kid's grown and edging towards puberty, everything changes. Just wait until your almost 11 year old wants to tell you something in close quarters, or she has her arms raised for a hug and it's all you can do to ignore the stench long enough to hug her back.
Raising kids is the best. It's just disgusting as hell.
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