Like many things you're required to do to keep a baby alive, nursing takes effort, energy, and rigorous mental stamina. Having a tiny person attached to your breast while you are stuck in a seated position or lying down or on your side (unless you can nurse while walking, which makes you my personal hero) does lead a mind to some pretty weird places. Maybe it’s because they are literally sucking life and energy away from you? Maybe it's because, while breastfeeding can be beautiful, it can also be pretty boring. Either way, having weird thoughts while breastfeeding is a pretty normal occurrence, at least in my experience.
I turned to some questionable forms of entertainment to pass the time and occupy my mind, often finding myself browsing the web for forms of light, non-motherly entertainment. However, the hours are long when it comes to breastfeeding and one can only speculate about Justin Bieber’s fashion choices for so long before it starts to affect your supply (not to mention your mental state). So, it comes as no surprise that my mind would occasionally (read: always) wander. Now, you might be silently asking, "Just where did your mind wander? To an imaginary, tropical location where my partner and I chill on chaise lounges while our son naps comfortably and consistently next to us? A mountain of towels in Idris Elba’s laundry room? The library in Beauty and the Beast (the animated Disney version, obviously)?" Nope. It went to weird, thinky places, including but not limited to:
"What Is Life?"
This one usuallys fogs up my mind when it's 3 a.m. and I'm so tired I can't even keep my eyes open. At that point, it's rare to have an answer other than "probably not this."
"The Scent Of This Baby's Head Is Heavenly."
Bonus points if there is soft hair fuzz to rub my nose in. My toddler now has a full head of hair and I still think it's the best.
"Maybe One Of These Days I Will Try My Own Milk."
I mean, the baby seems to like it, so...?
"...Or Get My Partner To Try It And Tell Me What It Tastes Like."
Wait, that's actually a way better idea. Let's go with that.
"How Inappropriate Would It Be To Watch The Hunger Games While This Baby Nurses?"
I mean, it's pretty dark. I feel like it could affect my supply.
"Or Scroll Through Zac Efron Gifs On My Phone?"
The answer is absolutely not appropriate at all so please don't judge me. We're all in this together, right "Wildcats"?
"Does My Diet Really Affect The Taste Of My Milk? Like Can He Tell I Had A Quesadilla For Lunch?"
I can't really think on this one for too long, lets I start cringing and then the baby gets confused.
"What Does My Stomach Look Like From That Angle?"
I'll never know. I'm okay with that.
"I Could Be Reading Something Amazing Right Now. Like Shakespeare."
I feel like I should use the time I spend breastfeeding to be, at least, somewhat productive. But since that would require opening my eyes, I'm just going to recognize that feeling and then release it, gently, like a butterfly.
"I Wonder What This Baby Is Thinking About."
He looks so peaceful. He probably isn't thinking about The Hunger Games or philosophy or Zac Efron.
"Does This Baby Absorb My Energy And Feelings Through My Breastmilk?"
Can he tell what I struggle with or what I value or what I cherish? Does he know that sometimes I wonder about the meaning of life and that I think he's helping me get closer to finding my one true purpose? I'm going to go with yes, because that concept is nothign short of awesome.