You know what us ladies like to keep under wraps? We're gross. Even if we choose not to be gross, we're as capable of being as gross as any man. Never will our grossness be more obvious than when we are pregnant, though, because if we had a f*ck to give it went out the window first trimester. I asked some of my male friends to share the most disgusting things their pregnant partners did, and ladies? I don't know whether to be proud or shame you. Some of these are pretty gnarly.
Perhaps it comes as no surprise that every single one of the gentlemen I spoke to agreed only to do so only under the promise of anonymity. I genuinely can't tell if this is a gentlemanly act of shielding the identity of their not-so-delicate wives... or if they don't want those not-so-delicate wives to murder them for revealing their gross secrets.
Most of the items listed below were body-related in some way. Now, bodies under the best of circumstances are clunky and full of fluids, gases, and guts. Pregnancy makes every single one of those functions (and a few others that have never happened before and may very well never happen again) come to the fore in horrifying ways. Pregnancy also makes you do weird-ass things because... actually, I don't know why so I'll blame it on the hormones. (Hormones control damn near everything.) If you can't handle a few (extra) body functions and weird habits, well, too late. You should have thought about that before you got your lady pregnant. But ladies, some of you are really pushing it.
"She put sriracha on everything. Everything. It started with just mashed potatoes (her most common craving) and I got that. But then it became a kind of game for her to see if there was anything she wouldn't like it on. Hamburgers and hot dogs, salad, watermelon (that one was surprisingly not so bad), she tried it all... and liked it. The day she put sriracha on a granola bar, though? I'm convinced that was just to gross me out."
"She didn't do it, but she smelled funny throughout most of her pregnancy, and it was sort of gross. It wasn't a knock-you-out-B.O. smell. It's not like she smelled like a locker room or anything, but I knew the smell, so I could definitely smell her when she approached, even though I lied and said I didn't notice."
"She made me look at her poop once. I don't want to talk about it."
I then asked if that's something she ever did when she wasn't pregnant.
"No. She wanted me to look because her 'pregnancy poops' were apparently abnormally big... but I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"She asked me to help her apply her hemorrhoid cream. They were bad. I know I signed up for the 'sickness and health' but I hope I never have to do it again."
"Her farts could kill a horse. I don't know if something crawled up her ass and died but that's the only explanation for the stench that came out of my beautiful bride for nine months."
"She just didn't hold back in describing any of her symptoms. That's fine, but some of them were so gross. And at first I thought about asking her to keep it to herself a bit, but then I realized that would make me a huge d*ck and she was growing our baby all on her own and the least I could do was listen to her b*tch about the boils on her ass."
"She had a lot of mucus, which I guess is a thing when you're pregnant.* Because of the mucus she was always either snorting this gross snort or hocking loogies into an empty cup because she didn't want to keep getting up to spit into the toilet, garbage, or sink. It was so gross."
*Yes, it is
"She didn't clip her toenails toward the end because she couldn't really reach them. I asked if she wanted to get a pedicure or if she wanted me to do it for her and she refused because she doesn't like other people touching her feet because 'it feels gross.' But you know what else felt gross? Her long-ass toenails scratching my leg at night."
"She was constantly trying to smell her vagina to figure out if it smelled different. She'd either lean over herself to get a whiff or use her fingers. She would harangue me about it and, I swear to God, it was all in her head. I started calling her Lady Macbeth*."
*For those of you who don't remember middle school English, Lady Macbeth became obsessed with the idea that she had irremovable bloodstains on her hands, which of course were not there... my friends are real literary, you guys.
"She started licking her plate which isn't actually all that gross, but it's something I cannot stand. I find it so disgusting."
"She threw up all the time, but she got so used to it that she didn't let it break her stride after a while. We'd be walking down 14th Street, holding hands, talking, and she'd casually veer towards a garbage can or, in emergencies, one of those subway grates, puke, pop in a breath mint, and then just pick up where she left off. It was equal parts impressive, gross, and hilarious. She was a stealth vomiter."
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