Everyone knows that pregnant people need to pee constantly, right? We hear about it on sitcoms, radio shows, and from the actual pregnant people in our lives constantly. There's a risk of something becoming so commonplace, though: people think they know what a pregnant person means when they say they have to pee, or they don't really even hear the individual's meaning at all. So I'm going to lay out the things a pregnant woman really means when she says she needs to pee in hopes that the next time the pregnant person in your life says they need to pee, you listen a little closer.
I've been pregnant six times, and have brought three pregnancies to full-term. So believe me when I say I know a thing or two about having to pee while pregnant. The annoying thing is that when you're not pregnant you don't realize that every pee cue is likely an emergency. I would be totally fine one minute, then all of a sudden I would have to pee this very instant.
When a pregnant person needs to pee it is not a drill, it is an all-hands-on-deck emergency. At least it was for me. Whether I was 6 weeks or 38 weeks along, the urgency of my need to pee was always profound. Quite frankly, I'm amazed there weren't more puddles. Spoiler alert: yes there were puddles. So what do we actually mean when we say we've got to pee? I'll tell you:
"I'm Not Listening To You"
The only thing that matters is where the nearest bathroom is. The blathering coming out of your face does not register with my ears. They have been taken over by my bladder.
"Nothing But My Pee Matters"
I don't care about what we're having for dinner, whether my case notes are overdue, or how often my oil should be changed. Literally nothing else but my need to eliminate my bladder matters.
"My Eyeballs Are Yellow"
Because my bladder has filled all the way up to them.
"I Can't Feel My Feet"
Ever noticed how when you feel an incredibly intense sensation everything else becomes numb? Yeah, that happened to me all the time when I had to pee with my first pregnancy. My health care providers thought I was crazy, I'm sure, but it got so bad I'd even trip over my feet walking to the bathroom because I couldn't feel them. They were like dead weights my overwhelmed bladder had to drag around.
"A Head Is Pressing Against My Pelvis"
I mean, duh. But seriously. Pressing as though it's trying to squish a really tough spider.
"That's Not Swelling, That's Pee"
I don't care what science is, there is pee in my face, hands, legs, and feet. Just watch for the immediate and shocking weight loss when I get back back from the toilet.
"Get Out Of My Way!"
On my way to the bathroom I will run you over.
"I Have Never Been More Uncomfortable"
Ever. Yes, discomfort from having to pee so bad is a real thing.
"I Just Peed A Little"
Or, you know, a lot.
I was lucky in that I didn't vomit more than a handful of times throughout all three of my carried-to-term pregnancies. But when I did? Yeah, I lost all bladder control and for each wretched wretch came a gush of pee.
The first time it happened was in a friend's carpeted bathroom after eating steamed asparagus. Color me horrified at having to explain to her why I was asking for carpet cleaner.
"If You Don't Move I Will Pee On You"
You see, dear reader, when a pregnant person says they have to pee they really mean they have to pee right now and if you're in between them and the bathroom in any way you may find yourself in an unexpected golden shower.
"I Expect You To Drop Everything"
You must help me go to a bathroom immediately. I legitimately do not care what you are doing. Nothing is more important than getting me to a bathroom right now.
You've been warned. I encourage you to act accordingly.