There are a number of regular parts of my life that have changed since I decided to and was successful at having a baby; the contents of my purse, the groceries I shop for, the frequency in which I do laundry, the number of glasses of wine I want and/or need at the end of the day. But, perhaps, no change is more apparent (or comical) than my browser history. There are things I googled before having a baby vs. after and, well, motherhood is strange, you guys. So. Strange.
My search records before pregnancy painted a picture of a young adult dipping in and out of wine-themed events, basking in the glory that was her favorite binge-worthy shows, while occasionally looking something up out of pure curiosity and boredom. Now, records show that my google inquiries are way more likely to include rashes, bodily fluids, and hacks for making it through a day while exhausted. I’m not complaining; I enjoy lots of other parts of motherhood. I just don’t really have reasons to google things like, “my child is so stinking cute” and, “toddler giggles are my favorite.” Instead, I have to inquire about poop consistencies and whether or not I need to freak out about that thing my kid just ate off of the floor.
Still, for as much information as I've searched (some helpful, some panic-inducing), I have to say that my search history is nothing if not comical. When you're a mother, you'll take the laughs anyway you can get them and, well, my google searches provide me with plenty. Here are just a few ways that my searches have changed,now that I'm a mom:
BEFORE: What Time Does My Favorite Martini Bar Close?
AFTER: Is My Baby's Spit-Up Volume Normal?
I mean, both of these involve ingested fluids so I guess there's some overlap, right?
BEFORE: Are Ballet Flats Still On Trend?
AFTER: Can’t Remember Which Side I Last Nursed
I feel like the one thing these two searches have in common are that they are about information that most women simply would know, but not me. I'm out of the loop or, you know, usually just losing track.
BEFORE: Which Hadid Is Younger?
AFTER: Can’t Remember When I Last Nursed
To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out this whole Hadid thing.
BEFORE: How Do I Audition For THE BACHELOR?
AFTER: Cloth Diaper Pros And Cons?
Oh hey, spoiler alert: priorities change when a kid comes along. Plus, I'm too tired to walk down any red carpet and say some devastatingly adorable opening line. I'd probably take a nap at about the mid-way point.
BEFORE: Nicki Minaj Anaconda Lyrics
AFTER: Can't Sit Down Postpartum
If I had a nickel for every time I turned to Nicki Minaj to bring me comfort in my healing after birth, well, let's just say I wouldn't be thinking twice about cloth diapers and laundry service.
BEFORE: Nearby Wine Tasting Weekend Getaways?
AFTER: Co-Sleeping Yes No Maybe?
I suppose, if done correctly, both of these searches would end in some epic snuggles so, not all things have to change when a baby arrives, right?
BEFORE: Bachelorette Party Games That Aren't Lame
AFTER: When Will My Life Feel Normal Again?
Do I miss the days when my biggest problems related to bachelorette party attendance? Sometimes. Would I trade them for the days I'm having now, when our biggest problems pertain to chickenpox? You know, I'm not going to answer that right now.
BEFORE: What Happened To Matt Saracen?
AFTER: How Do I Know If My Baby Is A Genius?
Okay, serious question, who is not still googling Matt Saracen?
BEFORE: Re-Watch Lost Streaming?
AFTER: Can You Die From Not Sleeping?
Right, because finding the time to watch six dramatic, suspenseful, confusing seasons of television was not something I ever, ever took for granted. *cough*
BEFORE: Do I Have To Dry Clean Clothes That Say Dry Clean Only?
AFTER: Pee On Sweatshirt?
This is a judgment free zone, right? Ah, never mind. Sometimes I know that I deserve judgment.
Before: Where's The Nearest Coffee Shop?
After: NO SERIOUSLY WHERE IS THE NEAREST COFFEE SHOP?
I mean, motherhood hasn't completely changed me.