Romper

11 Thoughts Every Mom Has After Sex

I would like to begin this exploration of maternal sexuality (and I promise I tried to think of a way to make that sound less creepy) with a big disclaimer: mom sex (aka having sex after you've become a mother) is good sex. Or, you know, it can be. Or, rather, mom sex isn't generally all that much different from the sex anyone else is having at any give time. Sometimes it's awesome; Sometimes it's mediocre; Sometimes it's just not happening; Sometimes its absence is a welcome break. You know, typical sex stuff. However, here are some things that moms think after sex that are pretty particular to the parents crowd.

After a child has taken up residence in your home, it's not that the sexy feelings go away (okay, sometimes parenthood kills your sex drive and that's absolutely normal), but there is more to take into account when attempting to facilitate (and act on) said sexy feelings. Your energy levels and your noise levels and technical difficulties revolving around hormone levels, all factor into how (and if) things are going to go. Honestly, I've found that actual sex after you've had kids is sex that hasn't changed all that much (okay, lactating during sex is a little, um, different, but so not a big deal), it's really the build-up and the wind-down that's taken a turn.

There was once a time when the only thoughts I routinely had after sex were, "That was great," "I have to pee," and, "I need something to eat, I'm freakin' starving." Now, well, I have a bit more on my mind, including but not limited to:

"Finally!"

GIPHY

Look, I'm not saying your sex life is destroyed by having children. What I am saying is that, well, sometimes things can get pretty bleak. Of course there are things you can do to help yourselves, but in my anecdotal experience most couples are still pretty happy with their sex lives after they become parents. Still, very few people have more sex after bringing a child into their home and a whole lot of people have decidedly less sex (at least for a while) post-baby. Between exhaustion, interruptions, lack of time/opportunity, etc, one can sometimes find the stretches between sexual encounters to be longer than they're used to. So when you do get to have the sex, it's not only great that you've had the chance to scratch that metaphorical itch, but it also feels like you overcame all the obstacles to get to your final goal. Basically, sex after children is sort of like an episode of Ninja Warrior.

"Shhh! Was That The Baby?"

GIPHY

"Shh. Quiet! I think the kid is stirring. If we're quiet she'll settle herself down. Okay, I actually think we're good. I think she's going back to sleep. Awesome."

"Childbirth Wrecks Your Vagina? My Ass It Does!"

GIPHY

Again, anecdotally, exceedingly few of my many, many mom friends report catastrophic vaginal issues after birth (and the few that have cite specific, rare postpartum medical complications). Despite a distressing amount of maternal fears and distasteful "throwing a hot dog down a hallway" jokes, the vagina has brilliantly evolved to stretch and contract, so most vaginas return to normal after birth with few complaints or problems. Because vaginas are damn troopers, people.

(And hey, big ups to the adoptive mamas, c-section mamas who didn't push, and non-gestational mamas: this is an issue you get to avoid all together. Hooray!)

"Okay, Maybe Childbirth Wrecked* My Vagina A Little..."

GIPHY

Vaginas are soldiers, but every soldier has battle scars, am I right? Like, a damn baby came out of you. Maybe a big one. That can create a little shake-up downstairs. Honestly, a lot of the time I hear "Things aren't worse, they're just kind of different." And what's wrong with different?

*Changed, not wrecked

"Was THAT The Baby?"

GIPHY

"Like, for real I think I hear the kid this time? You don't? Really? Okay, but I'm going to be half-paying attention to this cuddle session because I'm pretty sure I hear the baby."

"I Could Have Taken This Time To Sleep"

GIPHY

Depending on how well the sex went, this can either be a simple observation or a wistful sigh of regret. Sleep is a hot commodity, guys. Anyone who has had a child for, like, a day knows that. Basically, everything you spend time doing is measured in units of sleep. I have actually sat down and thought about what my jobs have paid me by the hour and thought to myself, "I would pay that to take a nap right now..."

"I Can't Believe We Weren't Interrupted"

GIPHY

I have a theory that children, especially little babies, have developed a sixth sense as to when their parents are going to have sex and, in turn, wake up or cry to prevent said sexual encounter from happening as a means of birth control. This is really annoying for same sex couples or couples otherwise on birth control, because they already had their bases covered. So, when you can get your groove on without a little one running in your room to ask for a drink of water or have a baby start wailing just as things are getting good, it's a damn miracle.

"Okay, That Was Definitely The Baby, Right?"

GIPHY

"WHEN IS SHE GOING TO WAKE UP?! IT ALWAYS HAPPENS! WHY ISN'T IT HAPPENING NOW?"

"Remember When We Used To Do This Whenever And Wherever We Wanted?"

GIPHY

In the post-coital glow of parent sex, one's mind cannot help but wander back on those glorious days of waking up at 11 and banging until 1 and then taking a power nap and going out to brunch. Or those times where you could do it on the living room couch without having to worry about the fact that you might be interrupted by the pitter-patter of toddler feet. They were simpler times. Probably sexier times.

"It's Weird To Be Cuddled By Someone Who Isn't A Child. You Seem Very Large Right Now"

GIPHY

Parenthood is a full contact sport, and that contact is usually with a very small, clingy mini-human. So, when you're in close proximity to a human more in keeping with your size and proportions, it's almost a weird sensation. Like, "I'm not used to having fingers in my hair that aren't covered in soggy cheerios and pureed sweet potatoes. This is pretty nice!"

"Okay, Seriously, How Has The Baby Not Woken Up By Now? I'm Going To Check On Them..."

GIPHY

Because this is, frankly, getting weird...