Some people like to turn up the drama in their lives, while others prefer to laugh at every opportunity. Sort of like the difference between imagining your existence as a tearjerking Oscar-contender and picturing yourself as the lead in a zany comedy. If you're of the latter persuasion, you're not going to be repurposing some flowery verse on social media when February 14 rolls around; what you need are some hilarious Instagram captions for Valentine's Day that truly capture your rom com-esque take on the holiday.
Luckily there are lots of really funny people out there who've said (or written) some really funny things about love and marriage and relationships and even Valentine's Day specifically that are guaranteed to get laughs. Not that you couldn't come up with your own material, just, you know, it's a lot of pressure to be witty on social media... on a holiday, no less. And there are already so many exceptionally witty quotes out there, why put yourself through the struggle?
There is a chance that you'll have a moment of mushiness after sharing your more irreverent Valentine's Day post. No worries: You can always find a fabulous sentimental quote to post as a balance. Who says you're limited to one social media Valentine?
1. "I love you more than I hate everything else." — Rainbow Rowell, 'Landline'
From YA author Rainbow Rowell's bestselling novel, Landline, this line is ideal for not-so-warm-and-fuzzy sorts (if your spirit animals are the prickly April from Parks and Rec and/or Wednesday Addams, you know what I mean).
2. "Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing." — Natasha Leggero
Comedian Natasha Leggero hit the nail on the head with this one, which would be super cute with a pic of your dearly beloved helping you take your hair out (wasn't there a really cute video of John Legend helping Chrissy Teigen out with her extensions?).
3. “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.” — 'Almost Famous'
Are you one half of a quirky couple who perhaps initially bonded over your shared outsider status as teens? This totally true quote from the movie that put Kate Hudson on the map (which was written by the very funny Cameron Crowe) would make a fitting caption for a geek-love couples photo.
4. "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
The opposite side of the "love means you can tell somebody their hair extensions are coming out" coin, this is listed as one of "11 David Sedaris Quotes That Will Change Your Life" by IFC for a reason. If you and your partner have done some significant work in the holiding-your-tongue department, this is the quote for you.
5. "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
Preach, Jerry! Sing it loud from the mountaintops for all the husbands to hear! This would be really cute for a husband to post on Insta for Valentine's Day; less cute (but still pretty great) for you to post about your husband.
6. “You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.” — Chris Rock
As quoted on Wealthy Gorilla, this might seem like a bleak statement, but for a couple who's been married long enough, this is just plain funny.
7. "Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration." — 'The Office'
If your S.O. is a dedicated fan of The Office, they'll immediately get a laugh out of this greeting (from the "Valentine's Day" episode, written by the outrageously funny Michael Schur). Honestly though? Bob Vance really knew how to treat a lady.
8. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." — Richard Pryor
A harsh-but-true quote from the late comedian. And how amazing would it be if you could post this as one half of a consciously uncoupled couple? (Of course, you'd have to get along *really* well with your ex to get away with it.)
9. “True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.” — Mindy Kaling
Ideal for a couple who excels at karaoke, these wise words from Mindy Kaling (as quoted in Glamour) are indeed a fine illustration of sacrifice. The Freddie Mercury part gets all the glory, after all.
10. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” ― Chelsea Handler, 'Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea'
Stick this caption with a pic of your partner and your relatives looking awkward (or super chummy) at a family dinner: comedy gold.
11. "I went home with this French guy because he said something adorable like, 'I have an apartment.'" — Amy Schumer, 'Mostly Sex Stuff'
Obviously this one works best if your partner happens to be a French guy, but you can always switch "French" for any other country with a seductive language/accent.
12. “I think a good rule of thumb is to never play ‘f--k/marry/kill’ between other couples you are currently sitting with.” — Chrissy Teigen
Some seriously sage counsel from the consistently hilarious Teigen, who hopefully didn't have to learn this one the hard way. Pair this one with a pic of you and your partner at dinner with friends.