13 Things That Can (And Will) Go Wrong When A New Mom Tries To Leave The House
Getting out of the house with a baby for the first time seems like a simple enough task, until you've actually attempted to do so. Seriously, that first time out of the house with a baby feels like a terrifying experiment in futility, and it makes even the most self-assured mothers second guess themselves. There are so many things that can go wrong when a new moms tries to leave the house, but conquering public interaction is one of the many milestones a new mother must come to terms with, so public interaction is a very necessary evil (not to mention, eventually, a very welcomed necessity) in a new mom's life.
Getting a new baby out of the house for the first time is slightly (read: incredibly) terrifying. Getting out of the house before having kids versus after is a completely unfair and ridiculous change, yet most mothers still strive to achieve their pre-baby punctuality, despite knowing all that can go wrong. We all want to be perfect moms, no matter how much we deny it, and being the "new mom on the block" makes us feel a particular, insatiable need to prove ourselves as worthy parents (to others, but mostly to ourselves).
Executing a seamless public outing with a newborn is a big part of portraying the "perfect" mother, yet the notion is a complete sham. Babies will be babies. They poop and cry and eat on their own terms and timelines, and don't care whether or not you've got public appearances to keep up or errands to run or groceries to purchase. That's why every mother (seriously, all of us) will inevitably face the following obstacles when we try to leave the house with our babies. Hey, you've been warned.
Miniature Baby Meltdowns
A baby's needs are pretty basic at first, but those needs require any and all public outings to be very carefully and meticulously planned. If they're too tired or too hungry or too full or too wet, even in the slightest, they'll let you know. Babies don't like to play around when it comes to their comfort (and who can blame them?), and leaving the house can feel, well, uncomfortable for them.
Miniature Mom Meltdowns
Oh, babies aren't the only ones who cry during the whole "get out of the house" operation. Moms cry, too. Sometimes more than the baby, actually. See, moms need some time to themselves to regroup and recoup from their day of taking care of an all-consuming human, but are rarely allotted that necessary time. When we actually do see the light at the end of the tunnel (the tunnel, being Target), we're unrealistically optimistic. Babies cry and poop happens and life's obstacles have an uncanny ability to ruin a simple day out with the family.
Too Much Excitement...
Getting out of the house when you've been using baby talk as your primary means of communication (for several months) sort of feels like a miniature vacation. That excitement overtakes the normally very realistic part of the brain, and leaves her fantasizing about the magnificent and perfect adventures that she and her children will go on together, even if it's just down the road. She will inevitably forget that she's far from immune to life's many possible blunders, and end up feeling guilty and disappointed at the end of the day that she's not Mary Poppins.
...Followed By Too Much Anxiety
Ugh, the balance between excitement and anxiety is defined by one very thin line.
How is it that a child's pants can go missing multiple times withing the same five minutes? No, really? I need answers...
Ugh, also, how are there so many tiny socks in the laundry, but no legitimate matches to any of them? This is the biggest conspiracy of our time, people.
Sh*t literally happens, you guys. Sometimes, everything will seem like it's going just fine; the kids will be dressed and fed and behaving, and you will be two steps from walking out of the door when, BAM, explosive diapers ruin your perfect plans. Honestly, if an explosive diaper happens before you leave the house, consider yourself lucky. That mild inconvenience beats an explosive diaper in the middle of the grocery story any day.
Finding Odd Bodily Substances On Clothes
The "is it poop or is it chocolate" game is a very real battle in the daily life of a parent. Just when you think you're about to walk out the door scotch free, you realize that there's an odd, brown substance on your freshly pressed shirt. Then, you play "poop roulette," and curse the bodily functions of your baby
Hee hee. Hoo hoo. Hee hee. Hoo hoo.
Leaving The Diaper Bag On The Roof Of The Car
Every parent strives to pack the perfect diaper bag; the one that will hold the solutions that could avert every potential catastrophe. Inevitably, however, those valiant efforts will fall short a time or two (or three or seven). Possibly, because you spend so much time focusing on the contents of the diaper bag, you forgot about the location of it, and leave it on the roof of your car as you pull out of your driveway (not that I've ever done that before).
Seriously Insane Tantrums
Sometimes kids are just bound and determined to win their miniature battles. Sometimes these battles happen at home; sometimes they happen in public; sometimes a kid draws their stubborn line before you're even able to walk out the door, which is actually quite clever when you think about it.
Missing A Bottle
Whey does the one thing a mother needs to soothe her baby in the event of a public meltdown always seem to go missing before the family even has enough time to get in the car? Seriously, bottles have an uncanny ability to disappear into thin air when the time comes to vacate the house. They're sort of like the missing socks in the dryer--inexplicable and infuriating.
Getting out of the house with a new baby is no easy feat at first, especially for a first time mom, but it gets easier with repetition and determination. It's anxiety inducing and frustrating and scary and stressful, to say the least. No one sets out on their first out-of-the-house adventure, with their child, and expects it to be perfect, but no one wants to do the walk of shame back to the parking lot after they become "that mom" dealing with a public baby meltdown, either. Figuring out a groove is a rite of passage for every mom, so if you see one out and about who seems like she might be struggling, throw her a smile or a wave or a wink that says "I feel you," because that first adventure is usually a lot more stressful than it is exciting.