OK, let’s just get this out of the way: I have not seen every season of The Bachelor franchise, but I have seen most seasons. So many, in fact, that I don’t feel comfortable admitting the exact number because then you’d be forced to ask, “Did you have time for anything else in your 20s?” to which I would reply, “Um, yes, obviously, I also watched Rock of Love.” That said, I feel fairly confident in weighing in on the important issue of how contestants on The Bachelor have a lot in common with toddlers.
Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is all bad. A lot of it is simply circumstantial and not even the contestants' fault. I certainly see the appeal of staying in a ridiculous house, going on adventures, feeling cool because a producer attached a mic to my clothes, potentially meeting someone special... That all sounds kind of awesome, actually. If I wasn't happily married, the casting people would probably be sick of me hitting them up by now. So, I certainly don’t blame any of the women for signing up. That said, I hope they don’t blame me for paying a little extra attention and noticing how much their lives on the show appear to parallel my toddler’s. Ahem.
There Is Lots Of Spontaneous Crying
Contestants on The Bachelor:
Ah, yes. I can’t hate on adult women crying because, hello, I’ve been pregnant before so I have no room to judge. But no matter what circumstances have led to it, I think we can all agree that it seems to happen pretty frequently on these shows, otherwise why else would promos like this one even exist?
Toddlers:
The last time my toddler cried was approximately fifteen minutes ago because *someone* dropped his crackers.
Questionable Decision Making
Contestants on The Bachelor:
Oh man, those stunts that are pulled when the contestants exit the limo for the first time? I want to hug all of them and give them gentle pats on the back. I’m not a particularly gifted singer and while I’m an enthusiastic dancer, I can’t say that I have any sort of technical ability there either. So, I too would be forced to come up with something notable which, let's be honest, would probably be, like, a dramatic reading of Michael Bolton lyrics.
Toddlers:
I mean, most toddlers aren't forced to perform in a high pressure situation on television, so we’ll just blame their developing brains and try to calmly explain on why we can’t be mad at the dog for eating the food that we put directly into his mouth (yes, you read that correctly).
They Look Cute All The Time
Contestants on The Bachelor:
Are any former contestants in the Spokane area? Can you be my personal stylist? Have your people call...me (I don't have "people"). Even when Chris Harrison just appears out of nowhere to convene with the ladies, they always look a-maaaay-zing. It's impressive.
Toddlers:
Yeah, pretty much the entire existence of a toddler rests on their cuteness.
Their Conversations Are Limited
Contestants on The Bachelor:
Limited by time, logistics, and the fact that another lady is always swooping in to "steal him away."
Toddlers:
It's not for lack of trying, it's because they literally do not know the words they want to say.
They Have To Rely On Other People For Major Life Choices
Contestants on The Bachelor:
OK, technically, yes, the women can decide whether or not they want to accept a rose, but all the power lies with the lead to determine whether or not he even wants to offer it. It's not exactly an even playing field.
Toddlers:
If he had it his way, my son would probably live like a king all day everyday, doing nothing but frolicking at the park, eating cheese and spaghetti, and pointing at random dogs. Unfortunately, his dad and I require him to sleep and eat and do things that (hopefully?) will help his development.
So Many Of Them Aren't "Here For The Right Reasons"
Contestants on The Bachelor:
"She has openly admitted to committing acts of terrorism and she has a country album to promote, BUT IS SHE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?"
Toddlers:
They rarely have a reason to be anywhere...except the kitchen, to request snacks.
They Are Constantly Trying To Figure Out The People And The World Around Them
Contestants on The Bachelor:
If nothing else, it's because those date boxes are next-level cryptic. And if I wanted to know how likely it was that I was going to be broken up with on TV, I’d probably sniff around, too.
Toddlers:
Curiosity is pretty much a toddler's resting state, as my fellow parents are probably well aware.
They Seem To Really, Really Love Getting Out Of The House
Contestants on The Bachelor:
Granted, the likelihood that they’re going to ride in a helicopter is kinda high, but still.
Toddlers:
My son has been known to stand by the door and jump up and down when he sees either parent put their shoes on. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen some of the women do that, too.
They Have Wardrobes That We Can All Envy
Contestants on The Bachelor:
Not sure about you guys, but I wouldn’t mind more ball gowns and sequins and cocktail dresses in my life.
Toddlers:
Winters in my part of the country get cold, so I can openly admit that I'm jealous of my son's full-body fleece jumpsuits.
There May Be A Slight Tendency To Overreact
Contestants on The Bachelor:
OK, so, if you put a camera in my face and asked me leading questions about someone who was trying to go after my husband when we were first dating, I don’t think I'd be proud of what I said, either. No judgment, ladies.
Toddlers:
Is it just me, or are the most dramatic tears over things like bananas and sheep?
They Aren't Able To Do What The Rest Of Society Can Do
Contestants on The Bachelor:
I’ve heard that, when you're a contestant, things like going online, watching TV, and talking to your loved ones are pretty limited, and you're basically sequestered where you're staying unless you have someone from the show with you.
Toddlers:
Yeah, my toddler lives pretty much the exact same life as the contestants in this respect.
They Are Drawn To Sparkly Things
Contestants on The Bachelor:
Dresses, diamonds, camera lenses, hot tubs... What, your hot tub doesn't sparkle?
Toddlers:
My son loves playing with my beads and old jewelry cast-offs, so if that's any indicator he's going to have some expensive taste someday.
They Appear To Have Lots Of Leisure Time
Contestants on The Bachelor:
I could be wrong, but we do see lots of poolside lounging.
Toddlers:
And as far as my little guy goes, he spends at least half his day bouncing from toy to toy and book to book based on, apparently, whichever the direction the wind is blowing.
They Don’t Mind Attention
Contestants on The Bachelor:
I can only assume because, if they did, I can’t imagine that competing on a reality show would be all that appealing.
Toddlers:
My toddler seems all about it, especially when he’s climbing on furniture. That’s what he’s most proud of in life, judging by his accomplished smile (while his dad and I lunge for him).
