Potty training is arguably one of the worst parts of parenthood, at least before our kids are old enough to slam doors and resent us for embarrassing them and plot even (and unsanctioned) "retreats." It's sticky and smelly and gross, and there's so much poop. I'm to the point in my son's potty training journey that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but getting to said point has been one seriously disgusting battle. Thankfully, I am not alone in that battle, and have been able to share every aspect of said battle via the texts every mom sends during potty training. Listen, if I have to suffer through this much rogue poop, the world needs to know about it. I have no shame.
The emotional stages of potty training range in their severity, from mild frustrated borderline insane. I started out ridiculously optimistic, but less than an hour into our first day with our new friend, Mr. Potty, I was ready to abort our mission entirely. Of course, I understand that toddlers are gross, but I underestimated exactly how gross. Shortly after our potty training journey began, I was quickly reminded of how much I value things like good hygiene, urine-free floors, and leaving the house without having to mentally prepare myself for any and all public pooping implosions.
Since we began potty training our son, I've done so many gross things that I thought I would never do. It makes me gag just thinking about it, but I hate spending money on diapers and I don't want to have the only kid in kindergarten who hasn't yet conquered his bowels, so I've soldiered through this expedition like a champion. Okay, not really. I've complained literally all day, every single day and while I am sure it has annoyed a few friend and family members, I also feel like I'm not alone in my sticky conundrum. Here are 15 texts everyone sends during potty training, because #solidarity and misery loves company and let me talk about the poop before I lose my freakin' mind.
When Stepping In Dog Poop Seems Like Child's Play
No one likes getting feces on their feet, but it's especially disturbing when it came from your own child. Just like my dog would sneak into a corner to do his business while I would shower, my son did the same thing. His observation skills are impeccable.
When It's Too Early For This Sh*t
How many of my fellow parents out there have had their sobriety questioned during potty training? I mean, I've gotten quite acquainted with urine during this phase of my toddler's life, but having it in my hair before I've even had my breakfast sort of eliminates my appetite.
When You're So Jaded By Bodily Fluids, That You Just Don't Even Care Anymore
It could be water, or it could be pee. I don't know, and I honestly don't really care at this point. Oh, you're not at that point yet? Trust me, my little potty training virgin, you'll get there. Oh, how you'll get there.
When You're Worried About Getting Your Security Deposit Back
If you're renting when you potty train your kid, do yourself a favor and tarp every floor. It might seem weird at first, but you'll be thanking me when you don't have to explain that the stains on the carpet are from your child, not your pet.
When You're Probably Delirious, And You're Writing A Sonnet About Your Child's Bowel Movements
Hey, even Shakespeare had to learn how to poop independently. Look how he turned out!
When Your Kid Is Constipated, But You Don't Want A Toddler To Defeat You
Constipated babies are the worst. Constipated toddlers who are intentionally withholding their poop because the toilet intimidates them are the worst ever. Seriously, ever.
When You're Blindly Optimistic
When kids don't have things like pants and underwear getting in the way of their flow, they're one with the potty. So, if they live in a nudist colony for the rest of their lives, they'll be just fine, right?
When You're Feeling Dramatically Defeated
When You Just Don't Have The Words
Sometimes you just don't have the right words to accurately describe the turmoil you're living in. How did people even communicate before emojis?
When You're Trying To Be Resourceful
Am I the only person that thinks this idea is borderline genius? I mean, that's basically what a little potty is, isn't it? The litter would just eliminate any and all unpleasant smells. Problem. Solved.
When The Eagle Lands
Victory is yours! The first time a child conducts his business appropriately is one of the proudest moments of every parent's life. Did you ever think you would physically applaud someone for pooping? Parenthood is weird, you guys.
When You've Emerged Victorious
You will not escape potty training unscathed, unless you approach it with a sense of humor. When you spend your days stalking the bathroom habits of a tiny human being your sanity begins to slowly erode, so try to keep it light. Otherwise, you really will have a problem.
When You Just Don't Need Words
I think that about covers it.
When You're Numb To Your Struggle
Hey, when you've got to go, you've got to go. Would you rather your child go #2 in that shiny red cart? Or would you rather deflect the judgmental stares of strangers because your kid is overly confident in his bowels? When given the option, always choose judgment over cleaning up poop.
When You Just Can't Even Anymore
Potty training is best done with a positive attitude and a bottle of wine.
Yes, it's gross and sticky and smelly, but it's also necessary. Potty training is sort of like pulling off a band-aid: you need to just get it over with, instead of prolonging your pain.