If you've ever been pregnant, you know that people love to tell you everything they've ever learned about pregnancy and having babies from the Internet. You'll get a long list of "advice" and "opinions", but nothing beats when someone flat out asks you if you're with child. I mean, that's going against all etiquette laws, right? But because people don't care about protocol and are going to ask, you need some creative ways to answer the question "are you pregnant?"
Of course, how you answer depends on whether or not y0u're actually pregnant and how you're feeling about intrusive questions. Some people are totally stoked to have a perfect stranger comment on their reproductive system, and others are kind of meh about the whole thing. But I think we can all agree that asking a woman if she's pregnant is the ultimate sin. I think the rule is something like you can only ask if the baby is actually crowning out of her vagina. And even then, you might want to bite your tongue.
It's such a sensitive subject between infertility, body image, and wanting to keep a pregnancy secret. Unless you're that excited lady who's ready to share the news, you might feel a little weird that anyone thought to comment on you and your body. So no matter what side you're on, here's 15 ways to answer the question, "Are you pregnant?" I can't guarantee that some of these won't make the person who asked you cry.
1. "Yes I Am"
Do you want the person to continue asking you questions about your pregnancy? If yes, say it in a super excited, thumbs up kind of way. If not, give a big heavy sigh, confirm that you're pregnant, and hope they go away.
2. "Don't You Put That Evil On Me, Ricky Bobby!"
Some movie quotes just fit, but this one especially does. How dare they curse you with a pregnancy right now? Don't they know you haven't slept in eight months?
3. "I'm Sorry, What?"
Just keep repeating it over and over. They'll either think you're deaf or leave you alone, and both sound fine to me.
4. "Dude, I Just Had Chipotle"
Rub that belly like it's full of burritos with extra guac and not a baby.
Just laugh hysterically. Wipe away your tears and then laugh some more.
6. "Target's Maternity Stuff Is Just Really Cute"
And seriously, there's not much of a border between the maternity clothes and the regular clothes. It's easy to pick up a maternity dress and think it hides your beer bloat well.
7. "We're Actually Not Telling Anyone Yet"
A mature, sophisticated answer that should shut them up, but probably won't. Fair warning.
8. "No, This Is A Hangover"
I just keep puking and look like hell because I'm hungover, OK?
9. "Yes! Want To Talk About My Hemorrhoids?"
If they're going to get personal, then go for it, girlfriend.
10. :Are You Going To Be An Expert On My Body?"
This is a safe question to ask back, right? You want to make sure they aren't going to lecture you on caffeine, home births, and epidurals.
11. "No, Grandma, I Can't Even Remember To Feed My Cat"
Seriously, Grandma. There's no one on Tinder to make a baby with, OK? Get off my back.
12. "I Haven't Had Sex Since My First Child Was Conceived"
So a pregnancy is virtually impossible. Also works if you throw in that your kid doesn't nap and you ate three half-chewed Goldfish out of your toddler's hand and called it lunch today.
Make sure to ask this like Seth Meyers and you're golden.
14. "No, And Thanks For The Reminder That I'm Not Getting Any Younger"
People love to ask if you're pregnant and then remind you that you better do something with those eggs before you're 80 and all alone. So pleasant.
15. "You Know, I Am Allowed To Pass On A Glass Of Wine"
God, this is the worst, right? Why does everyone assume you're pregnant just because you're choosing water over wine? Do you drink that much? (Let's not answer the rest of those questions.)