I can think of few more vulnerable situations than that of a laboring mother in a delivery room. You're likely in pain, you're excited and nervous, and you're entirely focused on what you're doing. In such an intense situation, the social niceties we usually rely on to perpetuate a polite and civil society go right out the window. Just whoosh. Sailing on out the window and you DGAF. After it happens, however, it's like, "Oh. That was sort of humiliating." I asked moms to share the most embarrassing thing they said during labor and delivery, because other people's social faux pas are hilarious.
Lest I be accused of exploiting other people for personal advancement, I'll go first. When I had my son he was born with strawberry blonde hair. My husband and I both have black hair, so we assumed our kid would, too, and had mentioned it to my OB-GYN. After extracting him from womb via c-section, however, my doctor declared, "He's so light!" In an attempt at a self-deprecating joke riffing on mine and my husband's own pallid complexions, I replied, "He comes from a long and proud line of very white people." In the post-delivery haze, however, I realized that the way I'd said it could be interpreted as pretty unwoke, to say the least. Like, "We're White and we're proud!" (As a reminder: "white pride" is always creepy.) Of course I immediately panicked thinking, "Oh God, does my Asian doctor and numerous non-white nurses think I'm racist? Noooooooo!" so I quickly added "Pasty, I mean. Pasty! We're really pasty!"
I was seriously smooth, you guys. Yikes. I still get full body shudders thinking about it (though, fortunately, I think everyone involved was picking up what I was putting down). Fortunately, I'm in good company when it comes to really embarrassing labor and delivery moments. #Solidarity
"There was a giant standing mirror they had put next to my doctor so I could see the birth. After seeing the resulting view of my vagina and the baby crowning, I said, 'It looks like a monkey! Take it away!'"
"I definitely pooped while pushing, except rather than be embarrassed or apologetic I said, 'I told you I was going to poop! OMG that feels so much better.' Like, I'm embarrassed I should have been more embarrassed!"
Did I poop? Just tell me the truth. Can you see poop right now?
"I literally screamed, 'I am going to die in this world class hospital!' at least once."
[Writer's Note: I have known Celie for more than 20 years, and I wasn't there, but I can promise you she said it more than once and that it was dramatic, loud, and endearing.]
"I declared that I needed to 'puke up Berry Berry Kix' to the 12 student nurses watching. One rushed over to help, another one who was 6 months pregnant decided at that moment she didn't want to have a baby anymore. Guess I didn't look all that glamorous."
I was concerned I screwed up my vagina pushing for so long only to have a c-section incision too and said, 'Great, I'm getting a twofer.'
"I completely pooped, which didn't bother me at all, but I did have some burping going on and for some reason felt the need to say, 'Oh, Excuse me' every time I burped."
"Not sure if it counts as embarrassing, but 15 hours in with no medication and little progress, I swore this child, if she ever came out, was going to be an only child. Then I got an epidural and she did indeed come out. A second child is under consideration."
When the nurses told me that so many women have gone through labor and I would get through it too, I screamed, 'I'm not like other people!'
"We didn't know what we were having so upon hearing the words, 'Congrats you have a daughter,' I proudly exclaimed, 'Yes! No bris!'"
"With my first there was a point where I said, 'I am gonna cuss. I am gonna say the f word. I am gonna say the f word. Fuuuuuuuuuuuu—' I promptly apologized to everyone in the room."
[Writer's Note: Jessey is way more polite than I am.]
I just kept saying, 'It can't be labor because I'm not swearing and they said I'd be swearing.'
"The whole time I was in labor, I was trying to use the proper terminology for anatomy ... Once I had pushed my large nine-pound plus baby out of my lady bits, I didn't realize other things happen down there. As the doctor was cleaning me up [and] stitching me back together, I had some odd feelings in my butt and I kept asking the doctor to please take the gauze balls out of my anus. He looked at me and said, 'Pardon?' I said, 'I can feel some wads of gauze in my anus.' He smiled and just calmly said, 'There are no gauze wads in your anus, you just had a baby."
"PS: I left that OB-GYN office after because I was so mortified!"
"The doctor on-call wasn't my OB-GYN, so when he came in to introduce himself we discussed my desire to avoid an episiotomy if possible. He said he preferred mineral oil and massage to an episiotomy, and would ask the nurses to prep my perineum prior to pushing. The nurses did what I would consider the typical 'two-finger-swipe' method while I was in the early stages of pushing. When the doctor was finally called in for my daughter's big arrival, he took over massage duty. I was not expecting him to take both hands, insert all eight fingers, and then forcefully massage and stretch my entire lady kingdom. And since I opted for the mirror, I could see (and feel—thanks for nothing epidural) The. Whole. Thing.
I shouted, 'What?! WOW! That's intense! At least buy me dinner first!' Everyone laughed, I was embarrassed, and said, 'Oh, not that I'm calling you creepy or anything.' Which, of course, only made me more embarrassed. He was a good sport though, and I had minimal tearing."
I was induced and had been in labor for several hours. I asked for an epidural and when I sat up, my water broke. I yelled 'oh my god I peed myself, I'm so sorry'. Um no, my water broke. Why didn't I realize that's what it was?
"With my second I burst out into a fit of hysterical laughter. I have no idea what was so funny but I was laughing so hard I was crying. The doctor asked to borrow my phone and took a picture of how nuts I looked, which of course just made me laugh more."
"My mom had three natural births and always talked about how 'good' it felt, after all the labor, to finally get to do something and push. During my first experience with natural childbirth, after literally moaning like a cow for a few hours in labor, it came time to push... And I had been mislead. I remember very bitterly yelling at her, while she held my leg, 'THIS DOES NOT FEEL BETTER! YOU LIED TO ME!'"