Romper

18 Serious, Valid Reasons Why Coffee Is Better Than Sex

As a kid, I never quite understood what the big deal with coffee was, but now that I am, by most definitions, a grownup, I get it: there are about a billion reasons why coffee is good for you. And I don’t mean “good for you” in a kale and chia seeds kind of way. I mean in a delicious, tasty, caffeinated kind of way. Seriously, what’s the first thing you did this morning? Perhaps you took a shower, or got your kids up, or brushed your teeth or went for a run (you overachiever, you). Or, perhaps you made yourself a cup of coffee and did one of those slow, sensual inhales of it, with your eyes closed and both hands cupped around the mug like you’re in a '90s instant brew commercials.

Coffee and moms go together like peanut butter and jelly, George and Amal, or Beyoncé and perfection. It’s one of the most natural unions of two souls that exists...not unlike other ~things that adults do~ (OK, I'm talking about S-E-X. Yes, I spell it out because I'm perpetually 12 years old). The point is, drinking coffee and gettin' down are actually very alike. Think about it: both are required for life on earth to continue, both provide carnal pleasure, and both make me want to put on sweatpants. But that...is maybe that’s where the similarities end. Now that we’re on the topic, I can actually think of a number of ways that coffee is actually way superior to, ahem, other grown-up activities. Let’s explore, shall we?

Coffee Actually Gives You Energy Instead of Depleting It

GIPHY

Unless, of course, we're talking about decaf, in which case I think it's a wash. (But what kind of monster drinks decaf?)

You Don’t Need To Make Sure Your Child Is Asleep Or Safely Occupied To Enjoy Coffee

That said, I think it's fair to say that I enjoy my coffee more when my child is asleep. But still, I can totally drink it right there in front of him without having to deeply question my parenting choices, which is more than I can say for other adult stress relief tactics.

You Don’t Need To Remove (Or Adjust) Clothing In Order To Enjoy Coffee

Your coffee doesn't care what you're wearing, if you're chillin' in your Laundry Day Undies™, and coffee does not need you to go through a lengthy undressing ritual before being enjoyed. Nope. It's just there, ready to be consumed. Although I guess sometimes it's helpful to take your clothes off before drinking coffee if you're prone to spills. (Actually, wait, no: If you're prone to spills, please keep all of your clothing very much on when drinking hot coffee. Ouch.)

You Can Have Coffee In Public Without Getting Arrested

GIPHY

And it's a good thing, too, because I'm not sure how efficient I would have been at some of my previous jobs if the opposite were true.

Cold Coffee Is Just As Good As Hot Coffee

Some people even prefer it.

You Can Talk About Coffee Wherever And Whenever You Want

Loudly. In detail. You can talk about exactly what you like and how you like it. No one will stare or call you names or feel the need to remind you that TGIFriday's is a family establishment.

Unprotected Coffee, At The Worst, Can Burn You Or Stain Your Clothes

GIPHY

I've never heard of it causing something more intense, like, oh a back injury or an accidental pregnancy.

You Don’t Have To Feel Afraid Of Your Child Catching You Having Coffee

Good thing, too, because otherwise I'd be pretty much living in a constant state of fear.

You Can Buy The Equipment Required For Coffee Without Feeling Embarassed Or Judged

Looking at you, people who like percolators. So depraved. Eroding the fabric of our moral society.

If You Don’t Like How Your Coffee Turned Out One Morning, You Don’t Really Have To Worry About Your Barista’s Feelings All That Much

GIPHY

I mean, by all means, be polite when you tell them, but it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker.

You Can Have Coffee, Like, 5 Times In One Morning And End Up Being MORE Productive Than Normal

I think my record is eight. I know, guys, I'm crazy. Point is, doing ~other things~ five times in one morning might feel great, but your day is pretty much a loss at that point.

Coffee Is Just As Good By Yourself Or With A Partner

Really, it all depends on your mood.

There Is No Societal Pressure To Have Coffee By A Certain Age, Or Stigma Placed On You For Not Having It

GIPHY

But seriously, if you haven't had coffee by the time you graduate, what is wrong with you?

You Never Have To Fake Your Enjoyment Of Coffee

Well, technically, I did one time when I ordered the wrong thing and someone else paid for it. But that was my own fault.

It’s Not Embarrassing To See Two People On TV Drinking Coffee When Your Parents Are In The Room

Nor do you have to pretend like you didn't know that scene was coming.

You Can Offer Coffee To Your Guests And It’s Considered Polite

Giphy

I mean, love it when people offer me coffee, so I try to return to favor as much as possible.

Having Coffee With An Ex Is A Sign Of Maturity

...as opposed to, say, a tragic mistake that your friends will judge you for later. But you can totally have coffee with them. We're all adults here.

You Can Declare Out Loud, With Pride, And Without Fear Of Judgment, That You’re A Woman Who Enjoys Coffee

Actually, that's true of both. Get yours, girl.