While coconut oil has been used for thousands of years throughout South and Central America, Africa, Asia, and Polynesia, the past five years finally brought this lauded lipid the fame it deserves in North America. The product had been used in the U.S. and England after WWII, but the popularity of coconut oil declined in the 1950s when people started biting their nails over saturated fats. (Who knew that the fat in coconut oil can be good for you?) But now, like the Terminator, it's back, and we are positively thrilled. If you yourself aren't a fan, I promise that someone you know is completely obsessed with coconut oil. Like... maybe a little too obsessed.
I'm not usually a big fan of romantic comedies (this is related to coconut oil, I promise), but one of my favorite movies ever is My Big Fat Greek Wedding. In it, Tula's father, Gus, swears that "every ailment, from psoriasis to poison ivy could be cured by Windex." Coconut oil has become our collective Windex. People who love coconut oil reeeeeeeeeeeally love coconut oil, to the point where you feel like maybe you need to sit them down and have A Very Important Talk. "Wait," you ask cagily, "Are you talking about me?" Well, let's see. Here's how you can tell if you might need to take a step back...
You Have Gleefully Thrown Out All Other Beauty Products
You Have Also Tossed Personal Hygiene Products
You Want To Write Adele A Fan Letter Telling Her That She Can Remove Eye Makeup With Coconut Oil
Truly, Adele has the most famous and flawless winged eyeliner on the planet... but what if she doesn't know that she can use coconut oil to remove eye makeup?! It would probably help her so much, and if her heartrending power ballads about love lost are any indication, she could use some help getting all that tear-streaked mascara and eyeliner off her face every night.
You Have Looked Into Buying In Bulk From A Wholesaler
Because even the 54-ounce jars you can get in the store aren't going to cut it, not with the amount of coconut oil you go through. You are learning Indonesian to get in touch with a coconut grower directly...
You Scoff Whenever You See Lube
K-WHY are people using lube when they can just slather their nethers with coconut oil? Yes! Coconut oil can be used as lube.
(Pro-tip: if you haven't made the foray into coconut oil yet, don't let this be your first test. Because if you happen to be allergic, your fancy bits are a terrible place to rub this on to discover that.)
You Stand In Front Of Beauty Retailers Every Weekend With Protest Signs
Because we don't need your wares, you lotion pushers! We use coconut oil as a moisturizer! And if we want it to smell like something other than coconut (LOL, why, tho?!) we can put a couple drops of essential oils in it!
You Don't Like Coffee, But You Started Drinking It Because Coconut Oil Can Be Used As A Creamer
Yes! You can even put coconut oil in coffee instead of milk, cream, or creamer. Why should your dislike of java get in the way of finding another use for coconut oil?
You Had Another Kid After Your First Was Potty Trained Just To Keep Using It As Diaper Cream
You didn't learn that you could use coconut oil on diaper rash until your first baby was about six months old. You feel like you missed out on those pivotal first months: Having another baby will redeem you. You're just not ready to let this go yet.
Your House Smells Like The Beach
(More accurately, like Banana Boat sunscreens, but that's just what the beach smells like to me.)
You Don't Even Mind Getting Burned That Much Anymore
Do you see what I'm saying here, guys? I'm saying that you love coconut oil so much that you don't even mind actual burns on your actual body. And not just sunburn, either! Kitchen burns can be treated with coconut oil as well and so can any manner of abrasion. So when your friends see your ouchie, you can say, "Oh no, it's fine! I put some coconut oil on it! It feels fine." Temporary pain is nothing compared to the joy of knowing you've opened up an opportunity to discuss the benefits of coconut oil!
You're Shaved From The Neck Down
Not because that's your usual body hair preference, but because coconut oil can be used as shaving cream and you just can't not do it.
You Talk To Your Dentist At Length About Oil Pulling
Like how, in addition to mouth and dental hygiene, it's been said to have positive effects on your skin, energy, and overall health. Oil pulling with coconut oil is the bee's knees... and maybe will make your doctor forget to ask whether you floss every day.
Yeast Infections Are Still Annoying... But You Kind Of Don't Mind Them As Much Anymore
You Get Angry When You See Someone Use Lip Balm
The lip balm people are almost as bad as those monsters with the lotion. JUST USE COCONUT OIL!
You Twirl Your Hair, Hoping For A Compliment
Not because you need the self-esteem boost, but so you can say "Oh! Thank you! My hair is as glossy and lustrous as a mink pelt; I treat it with coconut oil! Did you know coconut oil is great for your hair, scalp, and nails?" And then whoever was complimenting you runs away. It's fun!
You Ask The Owner Of Your Favorite Italian Restaurant If She'd Consider Putting Coconut Oil On The Table Instead Of Olive Oil
Sure, that little bottle of olive oil they leave on the table to dip your bread in is... cute. But does that olive oil have all the health benefits of coconut oil*? I just worry that she isn't aware. Someone has to tell her.
(Answer: they're both good for you but should both be used judiciously. As a proud Italian woman, I will have olive oil pried from my cold dead hands before you take it away from me.)
Butter Has Been Banned In Your Home
Because you can't believe it's not coconut oil, so why is it being used in your home when you can easily replace butter with coconut oil in baking and cooking?
Coconut Oil Related Posts Make Up 3/4 Of Your Social Media Footprint
Because. People. Need. To. Know.
If Someone Complains Of Any Ailment, You Immediately Say "Have You Tried Coconut Oil?!"
Because there is literally no problem you can think of that coconut oil cannot at least help.
(Except, as a friend of mine pointed out, if you have a coconut oil stain on your shirt. I was so confused and had to re-evaluate my life because usually my answer to those kinds of questions is just "coconut oil.")
All Your Friends Are Also Obsessed With Coconut Oil
Just as a zombie turns transforms its victims into drones of the undead, so too have you converted all your friends into followers of the Cult of Coconut.
If you answered yes to any or all of these points... maybe consider taking it down a notch. I'm sure coconut oil can help you achieve that somehow.