24 Things You Never Thought You'd Say But Seem Totally Normal Now That You're A Mom
We all know that kids say the darnedest things (and they're literally the only ones; no one else is ever saying the "darnedest" thing) but what about us, their parents? We've been known to utter some pretty off-beat banter ourselves. There was a time in my life when I once bragged about my Jimmy Fallonesque abilities to carry on actual adult conversations with complete strangers without once referencing the daily weather forecast — that was before kids. Now, I'm lucky if I can soldier through five minutes with my peers without mentioning Mickey Mouse or Handy Manny, and I publicly pat myself on the back when I actually achieve that. I'm not proud that I've become the person whose parent-ness has infiltrated other parts of my life, but alas, here we are.
There's something about caring for a person with little to no understanding of the English language that robs adults of their once-refined vocabulary and distinctive diction. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I'm not alone in the conversational shit-show that is communicating with other adult humans after having kids.
So here are some of the more unexpected things I've said since I had kids that I thought I'd never say, but that, in the context of parent life, somehow seem perfectly logical. (And actually, when I read this list, it all makes me laugh and I'm more than a little psyched that there are people in my life who prompt me to utter such... colorful things.)
"Stop Licking The Baby."
My fur baby holds a special place in my heart, and I'm especially thrilled that he adores my human babies as much as I do but his obsessive affection for my baby could pose specific hygienic implications that I'm not totally prepared to deal with.
"Did You Poop?"
All parents know that poop has many code words used to perhaps liven the sometimes dull duties of diaper changing. These ~fun~ words for urine and feces is honestly not nearly as weird as the fact that I now find myself regularly inquiring about the bathroom behaviors of another person. That's not really something I did at any other point in my life. But now it's essential. You have to ask. Step one of potty training: Hold your kid accountable for all poopskies.
"Stop Running Over Your Brother In Your Cozy Coupe!"
My kids are 15 months apart. They are both obsessed with cars. I spend much of my day preventing my toddler from turning my baby into road kill.
"Well, Was It A Hard Poop Or A Soft Poop?"
Every parent knows that bowel consistency is important and constipated babies are the worst. So you have to ask.
"I Don't Care If 'Jurassic Park' Is On, I'm Going To Bed At 7:00."
My husband checked my temperature after this statement. I'm a shameless dinosaur nerd and would been late to my own elopement if Jurassic Park had been on TV, but now? Nothing is more important than sleep. Nothing.
"Does Chuck-E-Cheese serve beer?"
The answer is yes. You're welcome.
"Come Over Here So I Can Pick Your Nose."
Clearing your kid's booger-filled nose is surprisingly satisfying. And gross. Definitely gross.
"It's Like A Permanent Fanny Pack That Serves No Purpose."
Post-baby bodies, man. I love my body. I love bodies, in all their glorious variation. But the language we use to describe our bodies when we're real-talking with our friends can be extra hilarious.
"Why Don't Kid-Friendly Happy Hours Exist?"
Serious question. Why?!
"Mmmm, Moms Loves Peas!"
Seriously, no one loves peas. I feel guilty even attempting to force feed them to my kids.
"Stop Sniffing Her!"
To the lady at front of me in the checkout line at Target: I'm sorry for my toddler's intrusiveness. If it makes you feel better, he almost never compliments people on their scent, so you must've been really on your game.
"It's Supper Time. Spit Out The Dog Food."
A little dog food every now and then is okay, right?
"Sofia's Sister Is Such A Bitch."
When you TV choices consist of Disney and Disney Jr., the kid-friendly programs sometimes begin to mimic soap operas. Seriously though, what's Amber's problem?
"I'm Too Tired To Drink."
Parent exhaustion= the ultimate exhaustion.
"I Miss The Simplicity Of Middle School."
You know things are serious when you long for the pre-bangs phase of your life.
"I've Got A 10-Wipe Diaper Situation Over Here" (Said To Partner, While Gagging)
Explosive diapers should be added to the list of World Wonders. It'll be the one with the shortest lines to visit. How is it that such small beings produce so much waste? Seriously?
"I'm Immune To Farts And Vomit."
Kids have little regard for modesty and/or public displays of bodily functions.
"God, I Love My Bulb Syringe."
Seriously, those things are so much fun.
"I Don't Want To Go To Target."
Checks pulse. Falls asleeps.
"How Did These Hot Wheels Get In The Toilet?"
Word of advice: Those little hot rods are not flushable so just go ahead and insert your squeaky clean hand into that bowl of viral microbes to retrieve that tiny vehicle. Ah parenthood, no victory is too small to celebrate.
"Don't Even Look At Me Without A Condom."
My kids are 15 months apart. Enough said. That's a no-go, sir.
"I Have A Serious Need-Coffee-A-Tosis!"
Just FYI: Unless your coworkers are acquainted with Doc McStuffins, they will likely misinterpret your caffeine-deprived diagnosis as grounds for a "random" drug test.
"Did You Steal Jell-O Again?"
Kids get a little handsy at the grocery store, so it's best to keep a close eye on their thieving reaches.
"Thanks For The Dead Spider!"
When your kid gifts you with anything, even a dead spider, you hold out your hand and say thank you while you throw up in your mouth, instead of on your child. It's called being an adult.
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