So if you've just started re-reading the Harry Potter series in anticipation of all the Harry Potter goodness being released this year, I'll wait, but we seriously have to chat about the thoughts you have when you re-read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
The second book was my favorite for a few years, and I think it had everything to do with the fact that the book marked the beginning of the series's progression into darkness. I mean, it doesn't get much chillier than a monster wanting to kill muggle-borns so that a new, pure-bred wizard race could take over. And when the Hogwarts professors seem to be totally lost about the events? Even creepier. I love a good horror story, so Chamber of Secrets quickly became my favorite. But re-reading it proves just how much darker the series gets and how this second book is basically a coloring book compared to the last ones. (I mean, no one actually dies in this one except the basilisk.)
And re-reading it also gave me some important and not-so-important thoughts. Old characters, plot twists, and questions about horcruxes are all here. But the one thought I didn't include? How did I ever think this was the best book? I had no idea of the greatness to come.
1. Aw, Dobby
Dobby is so annoying at first, but then you remember that Bellatrix kills him later and UGH. Dobby, I love you.
2. Shouldn't The Ministry Know It Was An Elf That Did Magic And Not Harry?
Knowing what you know now about the Ministry of Magic, how is it possible that they thought Harry performed magic when it was actually Dobby? It's the Ministry of Magic for crying out loud.
3. Petunia Should've Known No Magic Was Allowed Outside Of School
Why is Petunia so surprised about learning that Hogwarts students can't perform magic outside of school? Surely she must've known Lily couldn't turn rats into tea cups when she came home for vacation. Is this a new rule? Get it together, Petunia.
4. Why Do The Dursleys Even Care That He's Leaving?
It has to be that they think they'll get in trouble with Dumbledore, right? Why would they try and hold on to him so he didn't get pulled into the Weasleys' car? Let him go, Dursleys. You don't even like him!
5. God, Lucius Malfoy Is A Coward
He's always been a yellow-bellied coward. What the hell? How come he gets away in the end, Rowling? Unfair.
6. I Wish I Was A Weasley
The first visit to the Burrow makes me homesick, especially knowing that it gets caught on fire later in the series. But seriously, how do I become a Weasley? I think they're all married now except Charlie. (and, obviously, the deceased Fred. RIP) But I could deal with dragons.
7. Lucius Reminds Me Of Donald Trump
But with better hair.
8. Hey, There's That Vanishing Cabinet!
Whoa. Apparently it hasn't been working in a long time since Harry can hide inside it without disappearing. Nicely done, J.K.
9. Totally Forgot About You, Lockhart
So smarmy. One of my favorite characters, and one of the few you hardly hear from. See you in a few years at St. Mungo's you fraudulent b*stard.
10. How Does Lucius Even Have Tom Riddle's Diary?
I mean, I know he drops it in Ginny's cauldron to pin one of his illegal possessions on the Weasley family, but I still have questions. How does he have this diary? Does he even know what it is? Did he ever try to write in it? I mean, I'm assuming that Voldemort gave it to him at one point and was like, "Hey, Lu, hold this for me, will ya?" And then he just gives it away? Lucius is really the worst Death Eater to ever death eat.
11. Damn It Ginny, Leave The Diary
Don't go back, Weasleys. You're already running late. Ginny doesn't need that diary, trust me on this.
12. Does Molly Not Notice Where The Boys Are?
I mean, why send the Howler later about the car? Weren't you wondering where the hell Harry and Ron were as the train was taking off?
13. Why Would Snape Want Harry Expelled?
Aren't you supposed to be protecting him so his mother's death wasn't in vain? I know you have to pretend to abhor him, but dude. Expelling him is a little much.
14. Aw, Colin
Forgot all about you and your obsession with Harry, little dude. PS. Isn't it totally weird to hear from these characters knowing they're going to die at the Battle of Hogwarts. I hope there was some kind of memorial implemented.
15. Broomsticks Are Basically iPhones
Didn't Harry have the best broomstick ever not even a year ago? Is the Apple development team behind all of these damn broomsticks?
16. OMG, The Deathday Party
I get why this was cut out of the movie, but still. So entertaining. A party to celebrate a ghost's death!
17. Hi, Moaning Myrtle!
The first chat with Moaning Myrtle!
18. Poor Mrs. Norris
Regardless of how much you despise Filch, poor kitty cat!
19. Again, Snape, What The Hell
Trying to blame Harry for this nonsense when you know he's not the heir of Slytherin. What is wrong with you? This is not very protective behavior. Cast your patronus and remember where you came from, sir.
20. Totally Forgot About Professor Binns
And his boring, ghost-self. But he's actually the one to share the story of the Chamber of Secrets so props for not being terrible this one time, Professor.
Also, I forgot how long it took to brew. And that Hermione became a cat/human hybrid. Jealous!
22. Dobby, Why Don't You Talk To Dumbledore
Obviously Harry does not believe you and has no idea what danger you speak of. Know your audience, man. Or why doesn't Harry tell someone that this damn house elf won't leave him alone?
23. Why Did Dumbledore Even Hire Lockhart?
And why did he let him start a dueling club? Did Dumbledore believe all of Lockhart's nonsense?
24. If The Snake Stopped, Then Obviously Harry Wasn't Telling It To Attack
God, some of these students are such a-holes. Obviously if the snake stopped what it was doing, which was planning to attack you, Justin Finch-Fletchley, then Harry wasn't egging it on to attack you. Such prejudice against Parselmouths.
25. What Did Tom Riddle Get That Award For Anyway?
"Maybe he murdered Myrtle." He did, Ron! Obviously you are the smartest of the trio.
26. No, Really, Lucius Is The Worst
Having Hagrid thrown in Azkaban and Dumbledore sent away, UGH. Lucius, go away and be a coward somewhere else. How in the hell did this guy become a governor for Hogwarts?
27. ARAGOG SUCKS
28. Hermione Is So Smart
How does a second-year Hogwarts student discover that the monster is a basilisk? She's so smart.
29. No One Goes To Help Lockhart
Even if all the other professors think he's for real, why did they just let him go alone? What the hell are all the other professors doing while Ginny Weasley is stuck in the Chamber of Secrets? Drinking Butterbeer?
30. Tom Riddle Is A Memory, Yet He Knows The Future
I don't get this. How does Tom Riddle know what's happened to him in the future? I always assumed when Harry and Ginny were writing in the diary that they were just speaking with a 16-year-old Voldemort who wouldn't know the future, just his own memory. If Lucius had ever written in the diary, could he have done the dark lord's work through Voldemort's 16-year-old self? Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed.
31. If Harry Got Bit By A Basilisk And He's A Horcrux, Um . . .
Is it because he wasn't fully destroyed? Is it because Fawkes cries on the wound? I need answers.
32. You Do Belong In Slytherin, Harry
I mean, I know you're a Gryffindor and everything because the sword presented itself to you, but dude.
33. Lucius Does Not Care About Voldemort
Like, not even a little bit. He was just mad at Arthur Weasley's Muggle Protection Act so he thought he'd frame Ginny with an illegal artifact. Get it together, Dark Lord. Your follower betrays you at every turn.
34. How Does Dobby Even Know To Protect Harry?
Wait a second. If Lucius was only putting the diary in Ginny's cauldron to get rid of it and get the Weasleys in trouble, how did Dobby follow that logic to mean that Harry shouldn't go to Hogwarts? He'd have no idea that Ginny would actually use the diary, do all of those horrific things, and then end up putting Harry in danger. Furthermore, even if he did know that somehow, that means he knew what the diary was and what it was capable of, which means so did Lucius, and that makes Lucius even more horrible of a Voldemort groupie for tossing away part of his lord's soul. So is Dobby psychic? Did he have a premonition? Did he talk to Professor Trelawney? I'm going to have to tweet my queen J.K. about this.
35. Dobby Is Free!
Yay! Also, what was he doing in Hogwarts that day? Isn't he a house-elf? Is Lucius scared to travel alone?