35 Tweets That Perfectly Describe Kids' Birthday Parties
Celebrating another year of your baby's life? The best. Planning a birthday party? Not so much. Between social media shaming you for not having handmade cakepops for each individual party guest and worrying that your kid will need therapy without color-coordinated birthday shirts for the family, the pressure is real. Which is why tweets that describe kids' birthday parties are the only form of social media you need when playing host to fifteen kindergartners.
And the only thing worse than hosting a kid's birthday party is attending one. As a kid, I rarely remember my mom being at a party with me. I always got dropped off so I could enjoy the time with my friends and she would pick me up when it's over. But now? It seems to be the norm to stick around and watch your kid jump in a bouncy castle, spill fruit punch all over themselves, and eat six tons of cake before you carry them back out screaming. Don't forget, you've spent way too much money at Target trying to find the perfect gift (at the last minute) for a kid your child has only shared three words with, and now you have to stand in the corner and try not to eat all the pizza rolls.
Look, I get it. And so do these 35 tweets that perfectly describe what it's like to throw a kids' birthday party and attend one. Next time, check out this list and breathe a sigh of relief that literally no one but you gives a sh*t about your own kid's birthday party, OK? The pressure's off.
1. What Doesn't Kill You
When you've survived a 2 hour kids birthday party with no wifi, you know you can handle anything in life.— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) May 2, 2016
Makes you want to buy more birth control, am I right?
2. Fair Enough
I really wanted to go to your kids birthday party but I'd rather worship the devil in Kentucky while making Trump for president posters.— Walter (@WSiefford) May 2, 2016
Unless there's going to be a cookie cake? Then maybe.
3. Oh The Splashing
Hungover swimming might be the best kind of swimming. Hungover swimming at a kids birthday party might be a different story tho. Ugh.— Stephen Petsche (@doctor_petsche) May 1, 2016
And the warm spots in the shallow end and all those little orange arm floats and ugh. Not hungover.
4. And Because The Food Table Is Close
I just ate 3 burritos at a kids birthday party, mainly because I'm socially awkward :/— RichardBlais (@RichardBlais) May 1, 2016
I'm really good at chugging ten sodas to avoid conversation.
5. Now He Could Make A Party Worth It
I was briefly standing next to tom brady at a kids' birthday party today and he is a handsome dad— Steve Kandell (@SteveKandell) May 1, 2016
I'm not so sure Gisele and Tom can actually eat anything that anybody would serve at a kid's party though.
Third kids birthday party in the last month. Am I living the life or what?— Shari Blair (@TheNewYawker) May 1, 2016
No fear of missing out with this gal.
7. I'll Be With The Pets
At a kids birthday party with all these happy people. I'm in the backyard alone playing with a strangers dog.— Aliese (@AlieseMegan) April 30, 2016
Because they don't ask me what I think of preschool. Or Pinterest.
8. Bouncy Castles Are Totes Worth It
Signing a waiver for a kids birthday party is so weird, like ok great my kid may die in order to honor yours living on, great see you at 230— Pat (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ (@PatsHoppedUp) April 30, 2016
Especially when someone serves hot dogs and now there's no need for a waiver, everyone's already sick.
9. That Mouse Is Terrifying
I love when kids get so excited to see Chucky Cheese at their birthday party but when he actually comes out they realize their mistake— daniele (@fragilepapercup) April 30, 2016
And now everyone's screaming out of horror. No amount of tickets is worth that giant scary costume, am I right?
10. No But Really
If you mail me an invitation to your kids birthday party I'm going to mail it back to you with the words— Busted Flip Flops (@GrillinChillin9) April 30, 2016
DON'T RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP
I can think of like three billion other ways to spend my Saturday.
11. Kid Guilt Is Real
A 3yo actually guilted me into inviting her to the twins' birthday party....— JustTwinsane (@JustTwinsane) April 30, 2016
-the reason we now have 63 kids coming...
You don't want to be the bully mom, right?
Note to self: take the right kid to the birthday party. #fail— Patrik Fagerström (@PateFa) October 23, 2015
Hey, as long as you brought a present, I don't think the birthday kid gives a sh*t.
13. Over It
When a kid runs away from his own birthday party #fail— AnnMarie Norman (@AnnMarieeNorman) June 8, 2012
It's his party and he can cry and throw a fit and go inside to watch TV if he wants.
14. Child Logic
When the boy says to you, "You didn't have a birthday party so that is why you didn't get a gift from us (kids)." You just smack your head.— Suzanne W. (@AdventuresofEli) April 28, 2016
Think of it as an exchange. I give you a chaotic, sugar-filled afternoon and you get a cheap Target clearance toy from me.
15. Stop Being So Popular
First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 21, 2016
Second time: Oh, another one?
Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU'RE GROUNDED.
Why can't you just be normal and awkward like your mama?
16. Hand-Me-Down Party
It's kid 3's first bday, and her party theme is, "Everything here is remnants I kept from the other kids' elaborate celebrations. So sorry."— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) January 24, 2016
Hey, you just finally realized it wasn't worth it, right? Balloons, wrinkled decorations, a leaning cupcake stand — done.
17. But Is Your Instagram OK?
I threw a birthday party for my toddler without carving a watermelon into a dinosaur and my FB account deactivated itself.— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 25, 2015
And did you have a creative hashtag? That's the real ticket to a solid party.
18. Oh Hell No
One time I agreed to make a guest appearance at a kid's birthday party.— Glum George Lucas (@GlumGeorgeLucas) May 11, 2016
I showed up dressed as Jar Jar.
I've never heard so much crying.
Meesa thinks yousa had a bad idea. Birthday parties are awful enough.
19. Mean Girls For Real
TFW your kid goes to a birthday party she was invited to, and the birthday girl tells her she wasn't invited. 6yrold girls can be beasts.— Cari Luna (@cari_luna) May 7, 2016
Ugh. Time to let the pinata bat slip.
20. The Horrors
It could be worse. I could be at the kid's birthday party across the street and it doesn't look like there's any alcohol.— FatBottomGirl (@FatBottomGirl1) May 7, 2016
I mean, as long as there's pizza rolls, it might be worth it.
21. Single Friends Don't Get It
Mom: "Any eligible men?"— Shari Blair (@TheNewYawker) May 1, 2016
Me: "At a kid's first birthday party? Yeah, loads."
Besides, the eligible men are outside ignoring their children.
22. I Would Rule This Party
The kid went to a birthday party and did so well at Star Wars trivia they started making up questions just for her.— Jon Solomon (@comedyminusone) May 1, 2016
My work here is done.
Such a parenting win. Why can't every kid's party have some kind of movie trivia?
23. Word Vomit
I'm at a kid's birthday party and someone said drag race and I said "I love rupaul's drag race!" but they were talking about cars oops— Juan (@juanadellorde) April 30, 2016
Totally forgot which party I was at, sorry! (The cool moms would've gotten it anyway.)
24. Cereal Should Always Be At Parties
"Pull a silly rabbit out of a Trix box, magic man"— Greg (@OlmsterAL) April 30, 2016
*To magician at kid's birthday party
Just replace the magicians with cereal actually.
How many time's did I refer to my life being like a kid's birthday party this year? At least 20. At least.— Phyllis (@lilyyfrann) April 30, 2016
So chaotic and miserable then?
26. Worst Kid Ever
There's always that one kid who blows out the last candle during a birthday party not their own. Don't be that kid.— ~UnsungHero~ (@DennisKaymer) April 29, 2016
There's also one that makes fart noises during the "Happy Birthday" song. Probably the same kid.
27. My Life
Little kid to his mom: "I don't like them. I'm not inviting any of them to my birthday party." Same kid, same.— Dana Mannarino (@danamannarino) April 28, 2016
This is pretty much something I say on the daily.
28. Pass The Wine
Let's turn the kid's birthday party into mommy support group. #TGTM— PDubsUW (@pdubsuw) April 28, 2016
Especially if it's a party that doesn't have individually decorated homemade cakepops.
29. No, Seriously
I'm sorry I said I was going to turn your kid's birthday party into the red wedding but you were talking about your kid's birthday party— Kiss Me Kate (@KatieBurnett) April 25, 2016
You are literally the only person who cares, party planner.
30. The Best Birth Control
*At kid birthday party*— Ernesto L. Abeytia (@eabeytia) April 24, 2016
Wife: Aw! When can we have a baby?
Me: Our nephew just pooped on me.
Wife: So... Soon?
All sexually active people not ready for children should go to a birthday party. I think this would work.
So far we've only had one barfing kid and one head injury at this birthday party... so success, I guess?— Matthew Landkammer (@m_landkammer) April 23, 2016
Basically the best party ever.
32. OG Status
Kid 1: "I think I'm gonna invite you to my birthday party."— Crimzon (@HCrimzon) April 23, 2016
Kid 2: "I already know you will."
I want to be as confident as that kid.
33. Oh God
At a kid's birthday party. Helium balloons have been given to all kids. Total chaos. Scene makes last days of Rome look like a pillow fight— Graham Kendrick (@gmkendrick) April 17, 2016
Balloons plus children means immediate panic attack waiting for them all to pop.
34. Welcome To Adulthood
Officially reached that stage in life where I'm at a kid birthday party having a glass of wine and mingling with other parents— jake (@JakeDeLaHoya) April 16, 2016
Just wait until you can help knock down the pinata!
35. But Do You Get Your Own Table?
You know you're cool when you're at a kid's birthday party and you're referred to as "that big kid over there" — Brock Elam (@BrockElam) April 15, 2016
Maybe you can finally see what the birthday kid open the gifts this year!