Celebrating another year of your baby's life? The best. Planning a birthday party? Not so much. Between social media shaming you for not having handmade cakepops for each individual party guest and worrying that your kid will need therapy without color-coordinated birthday shirts for the family, the pressure is real. Which is why tweets that describe kids' birthday parties are the only form of social media you need when playing host to fifteen kindergartners.
And the only thing worse than hosting a kid's birthday party is attending one. As a kid, I rarely remember my mom being at a party with me. I always got dropped off so I could enjoy the time with my friends and she would pick me up when it's over. But now? It seems to be the norm to stick around and watch your kid jump in a bouncy castle, spill fruit punch all over themselves, and eat six tons of cake before you carry them back out screaming. Don't forget, you've spent way too much money at Target trying to find the perfect gift (at the last minute) for a kid your child has only shared three words with, and now you have to stand in the corner and try not to eat all the pizza rolls.
Look, I get it. And so do these 35 tweets that perfectly describe what it's like to throw a kids' birthday party and attend one. Next time, check out this list and breathe a sigh of relief that literally no one but you gives a sh*t about your own kid's birthday party, OK? The pressure's off.
1. What Doesn't Kill You
Makes you want to buy more birth control, am I right?
2. Fair Enough
Unless there's going to be a cookie cake? Then maybe.
3. Oh The Splashing
And the warm spots in the shallow end and all those little orange arm floats and ugh. Not hungover.
4. And Because The Food Table Is Close
I'm really good at chugging ten sodas to avoid conversation.
5. Now He Could Make A Party Worth It
I'm not so sure Gisele and Tom can actually eat anything that anybody would serve at a kid's party though.
No fear of missing out with this gal.
7. I'll Be With The Pets
Because they don't ask me what I think of preschool. Or Pinterest.
8. Bouncy Castles Are Totes Worth It
Especially when someone serves hot dogs and now there's no need for a waiver, everyone's already sick.
9. That Mouse Is Terrifying
And now everyone's screaming out of horror. No amount of tickets is worth that giant scary costume, am I right?
10. No But Really
I can think of like three billion other ways to spend my Saturday.
11. Kid Guilt Is Real
You don't want to be the bully mom, right?
Hey, as long as you brought a present, I don't think the birthday kid gives a sh*t.
13. Over It
It's his party and he can cry and throw a fit and go inside to watch TV if he wants.
14. Child Logic
Think of it as an exchange. I give you a chaotic, sugar-filled afternoon and you get a cheap Target clearance toy from me.
15. Stop Being So Popular
Why can't you just be normal and awkward like your mama?
16. Hand-Me-Down Party
Hey, you just finally realized it wasn't worth it, right? Balloons, wrinkled decorations, a leaning cupcake stand — done.
17. But Is Your Instagram OK?
And did you have a creative hashtag? That's the real ticket to a solid party.
18. Oh Hell No
Meesa thinks yousa had a bad idea. Birthday parties are awful enough.
19. Mean Girls For Real
Ugh. Time to let the pinata bat slip.
20. The Horrors
I mean, as long as there's pizza rolls, it might be worth it.
21. Single Friends Don't Get It
Besides, the eligible men are outside ignoring their children.
22. I Would Rule This Party
Such a parenting win. Why can't every kid's party have some kind of movie trivia?
23. Word Vomit
Totally forgot which party I was at, sorry! (The cool moms would've gotten it anyway.)
24. Cereal Should Always Be At Parties
Just replace the magicians with cereal actually.
So chaotic and miserable then?
26. Worst Kid Ever
There's also one that makes fart noises during the "Happy Birthday" song. Probably the same kid.
27. My Life
This is pretty much something I say on the daily.
28. Pass The Wine
Especially if it's a party that doesn't have individually decorated homemade cakepops.
29. No, Seriously
You are literally the only person who cares, party planner.
30. The Best Birth Control
All sexually active people not ready for children should go to a birthday party. I think this would work.
Basically the best party ever.
32. OG Status
I want to be as confident as that kid.
33. Oh God
Balloons plus children means immediate panic attack waiting for them all to pop.
34. Welcome To Adulthood
Just wait until you can help knock down the pinata!
35. But Do You Get Your Own Table?
Maybe you can finally see what the birthday kid open the gifts this year!