For those of us who grew up in the world of J.K. Rowling’s mind and were able to meet Harry Potter and attend Hogwarts (because this is what reading can do), the different houses came to define how we saw the world and how we defined relationships. If you grew up loving Harry Potter, you obsessively looked for signs you're a Slytherin, although you probably hoped like crazy to belong to any other house. Even as we've grown up, our connection to the wizarding world hasn't diminished, and its impact on our perception of ourselves and our relationships remains as serious as ever. This, naturally, means considerably less in terms of choosing life partners or career paths (although there are undoubtedly a great many Potterheads who make important life choices based on the Hogwarts house that they and/or a potential mate belongs to, and I'm not shaming that), and more to do with just having fun. Like me and my friends, drunkenly pretending a red Solo cup filled with beer is the Sorting Hat. For some reason, this little game has always ended with someone yelling “off with their head!” which has never made sense to me, but who am I to question to logic of Harry Potter-themed drinking game?
However, before each rounds of our Harry Potter game morphs into an awful rendition of Alice in Wonderland, the Hogwarts houses are decided and all of my friends are in agreement: I am, without a doubt as I’ve been told by everyone and their mother and their mother’s friends, a Slytherin. It’s probably something about the sharp smile and affinity for dark magic that gives it away. Hey, a few choices curses come in handy when my kid won’t clean her room. I mean, I’d never use them, but letting her know I have them has always been effective enough.
In the midst of laughter, jokes, and labels it becomes clear that some of us (OK, me) never quite let go of our broomsticks and spell books; we never really let our eyes wander from the Whomping Willow or Hagrid’s voice to leave our minds. I will always be a Slytherin and if I’m completely honest, if you're one of those people for whom someone's Hogwarts house is a vital part of their datability status, there are some excellent reasons why we Slytherins are the ultimate people to date.
There Are No Rules
If you’re an adventurous sort and want to be kept guessing, a Slytherin is right for you. We may fall in line when the Dark Lord calls (some of us, anyway) but up until that point, nothing is off limits. While this might not be the ideal for a permanent, trusting relationship, it sure is a lot of fun while it lasts.
Bad Is The New Good
Let's jus say Hufflepuffs don’t go skinny dipping in strange seas beneath a dark blue sky. While it’s unclear whether or not a Slytherin would either since the climate of the U.K.’s northern regions isn’t exactly conducive to jumping naked into bodies of water, I’m quite certain you’d have better luck getting a Slytherin into the depths minus the cloak and wand than any member of the other houses. Do you really want to date someone without the possibility if star-stained skinny dipping? I certainly wouldn’t but maybe that’s because I’m a Slytherin.
When We're Nice And Sweet, You'll Definitely Notice
We Slytherins get a bad rap for being mean and unconscionable. People like to point at us and call us names or be mean to us for no reason at all. I mean, maybe our parents weren’t the greatest and we inherited their hair, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have hearts that break and bleed. You don't have to wear your heart on your sleeve for it to exist! The thing is, when people are nice all the time, it becomes expected. Eventually, saying "thank you" all the time for general niceness will either get boring or annoying. But when a Slytherin does something nice, you’ll be overwhelmed and experience true surprise. Isn’t that what you want in a relationship?
We Love Rarely And Selectively, But When We Do, We Love Selflessly, Intensely, And With Insane Loyalty
Despite all the jokes and quips and stereotypes, when a Slytherin loves, it’s real love. There’s nothing halfway about Slytherin house. So, if I fall in love with you, if I give you my heart and the choice to love you becomes immortal in my mind, I will happily bear your looks of distain. I will suffer at your mocking but hold my tongue. I will let everyone believe that I am the darkness in order to protect you or to protect the ones you love. I will be the villain in your eyes if that’s what it takes to save you. And no matter how much time passes or how many things change, my love will be yours. Always. Because that’s what Snape would do and it doesn’t get much more Slytherin than that.
Images: Warner Bros; Giphy(4)