49 Funny Parenting Tweets That Say Everything You're Thinking
I don't care what anyone says about the evils of social media, it totally saved me as a new mom. Instagram was my place to connect with other moms through pictures of our sweet babes and Facebook was the perfect platform to ask for advice from my friends and family. But Twitter? Well that's where I found all the funny parenting tweets that made me realize calling your kid who refused to eat the snack they just asked for a brat was totally OK.
Social media may have made it easier for parents to judge each other, but I think it's also made it easier to parent. When you're having a tough day, doesn't it help to hear another parent say that their kid also throws a fit if you offer them a blue cup instead of a green cup? Don't we all want to high five the mom who says she's counting down to bedtime so she can do something exciting like fold clothes without anyone stealing them to build a fort? And if you say you've never looked for someone to simply look at you and say, "Dude, this parenting sh*t sucks sometimes," I won't believe you.
Everyone needs to remind themselves once in a while that parenting can be super hard, but it can be hilarious in its challenges, too. These 49 funny parenting tweets will remind you that you're not alone in the #momlife and that everyone's fighting the same battle of the lost pacifier and loud, inappropriate children.
1. Is It Wine O'Clock Yet?
The struggle is so very real. Where's my corkscrew?
2. When Grammar Nazis Become Moms
I mean, this is a legit fear. Nobody wants to be embarrassed by their kids' Facebook posts.
3. It's Like 'Hoarders' Around Here
So many opened, full juice boxes littering your house. So many.
4. Nailed It
That moment when not one of your kids whines about their socks feeling funny when you're already late for school. YAS QUEEN YAS.
5. Spectrum Parenting
You fed both of them organic and no screen time until they were two and now look.
6. Ain't Nobody Got Time For That
Sleep trumps showers. Always.
7. Kids Say The Darndest Things
When you're just glad they kept their hands out of their pants all day.
8. I Want A Refund
They told me I could eat cookies for breakfast and now my kids steal them and someone wiped snot on me and I want out of this.
9. Parenting Win
Yeah but those other kids are going to be sociopaths, so you win.
10. Generation iPhone
Tag them in a few things on Facebook just to make sure you're driving it home.
11. When Your Kids Turn Your Brain To Mush
At least no one's talking in rhymes.
12. So That's A No, Then?
I managed to get the kids ready, put on make-up, and clean up the Happy Meal boxes from the backseat. What have you been doing?
13. No Bra, No Problems
Yoga pants are too fancy, OK?
14. I'm All Out
Even though they asked for waffles. UGH.
15. It Makes You Look Productive
Plus there's no Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playing in the kitchen.
16. Why Does Pre-K Start So Early?
I mean, do kids have to be on time to school or is that like just a suggestion?
17. No Means No
Worst parent ever.
18. So Innovative
I once found my kid eating a stick of butter in the fridge and all I could think was how much money I was going to save on bread.
19. Mom Shopping Takes Decades
One time, I outgrew all of my clothes while waiting on my mom to pick up a new set of dishes.
20. Children Are A Gift
So here, have my mine.
21. I Can Get Behind This
Yeah, why? I'm going to cross stitch this on a pillow for my house. It applies to toddlers, too.
22. No Chill
Kids have no chill when it's time to poop. None.
23. I Always Ruin My Dinner
"Kid, didn't I just feed you?" Rummages in cabinet for my third snack since lunch.
24. BEST! THING! EVER!
I wish I was half excited about life as toddlers are about bubbles, deflated balloons, and a non-sticky sticker.
25. Discretion Is Key
Do you think this works at Chuck E. Cheese parties or would your SO not hear you over the sound of your soul dying?
26. Moochers & Leechers
Don't forget sleep!
27. Pass The Cookies
Or eat candy bars in the closet.
28. This Is Life, Kid
Best analogy ever. Get used to it, little bucko.
29. I Miss The '80s
And you could eat it in the living room in front of cartoons! Sigh.
30. Those Forts Won't Build Themselves
Be prepared to ask, "Why is this one sticky?" a lot, too.
31. The Dream
Do you eat the pizza or nap first? Can you sleep eat? My priorities need work.
32. Why Isn't This A Thing?
I mean, it doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world.
33. Hide The First-Aid Kit
Seriously. If you can, avoid ever giving your kids a band-aid because dear God, it never stops.
34. Candyland Is Legit Frustrating
You know what, when you're almost at the end and you pull the card that makes you go all the way back to the beginning, I can understand why you'd need to cheat.
35. The Dryer Works Harder Than Anyone
And just wait until you touch the snaps on a onesie straight out of the dryer or get branded with the straps on a pair of OshKosh B'gosh overalls. You just thought you knew pain.
36. Like An Episode Of 'SNL'
Everyone is either totally satisfied or thinks you've ruined everything.
37. That Dollar Section Is A Trap
You think everything's so cheap until you realize you picked up too many "cheap" things and now none of your kids are going to college.
38. A Fair Form Of Birth Control
Don't forget to smack her when she reads you the story you requested.
39. Dominate While You Can
Soon you'll be saying things like, "In my day, you had to blow in your video games to make them work."
Seriously, no one owns it better. Who run the world? Toddlers.
41. It's Like A Date For Yourself
If your kids are still asleep, I'm calling this one a win.
42. Time To Prioritize, Dad
Geez, adults are like no fun at all.
43. I Believe
And the louder they scream, the more necessary bedtime actually becomes.
44. When You Finally Train Your Kids
My toddler will now pick things up on low shelves for me at the grocery store and it's the best thing ever.
45. Ooh, That Smell
It's like the ripeness of a gorilla's scent mingled with Axe body wash.
46. Breakfast Of Champions
Birthday cake and coffee do go exceptionally well together.
47. Seriously, They Have No Idea
Of course you eat your vegetables, honey! Tell the doctor all about the organic, healthy diet I have you on and the hour-long playtime we have outside instead of laughing at cat videos on the iPad. TELL THEM.
48. Snack Time
Maybe that'll teach your kids to stop asking you to hold their sh*t.
49. Every Parent Every Day
And then we'll spend two hours watching videos of them on our phone. Mom status for sure.