49 Funny Parenting Tweets That Say Everything You're Thinking
I don't care what anyone says about the evils of social media, it totally saved me as a new mom. Instagram was my place to connect with other moms through pictures of our sweet babes and Facebook was the perfect platform to ask for advice from my friends and family. But Twitter? Well that's where I found all the funny parenting tweets that made me realize calling your kid who refused to eat the snack they just asked for a brat was totally OK.
Social media may have made it easier for parents to judge each other, but I think it's also made it easier to parent. When you're having a tough day, doesn't it help to hear another parent say that their kid also throws a fit if you offer them a blue cup instead of a green cup? Don't we all want to high five the mom who says she's counting down to bedtime so she can do something exciting like fold clothes without anyone stealing them to build a fort? And if you say you've never looked for someone to simply look at you and say, "Dude, this parenting sh*t sucks sometimes," I won't believe you.
Everyone needs to remind themselves once in a while that parenting can be super hard, but it can be hilarious in its challenges, too. These 49 funny parenting tweets will remind you that you're not alone in the #momlife and that everyone's fighting the same battle of the lost pacifier and loud, inappropriate children.
1. Is It Wine O'Clock Yet?
The closer it gets to 5 o'clock, the more my kids look like wine bottles who can talk.— Ashley BigTopFam (@BigTopFamily) March 7, 2016
The struggle is so very real. Where's my corkscrew?
2. When Grammar Nazis Become Moms
My daughter is due tomorrow. I just had a nightmare that she's going to use Oxford commas inconsistently when she grows up.— Snarky Momma (@PhiBetaMommy) April 4, 2016
I mean, this is a legit fear. Nobody wants to be embarrassed by their kids' Facebook posts.
3. It's Like 'Hoarders' Around Here
My kids' hobbies include requesting a wide variety of beverages they plan to open but never actually drink.— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) April 2, 2016
So many opened, full juice boxes littering your house. So many.
4. Nailed It
I'm not saying I'm a parenting genius but all of my kids went to school without crying this morning.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 4, 2016
That moment when not one of your kids whines about their socks feeling funny when you're already late for school. YAS QUEEN YAS.
5. Spectrum Parenting
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) March 25, 2016
You fed both of them organic and no screen time until they were two and now look.
6. Ain't Nobody Got Time For That
Apparently it's "obvious" that I "haven't showered in days." Whatever, Karen. It's not my wedding.— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 31, 2016
Sleep trumps showers. Always.
7. Kids Say The Darndest Things
Me: How was school today, buddy?— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 30, 2016
6yo: WAY BETTER THAN YESTERDAY CUZ YESTERDAY MY WIENER JUST HURTED ALL DAY
M: Glad I asked. As always.
When you're just glad they kept their hands out of their pants all day.
8. I Want A Refund
This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.— Lisa (@lasergirl70) March 22, 2016
They told me I could eat cookies for breakfast and now my kids steal them and someone wiped snot on me and I want out of this.
9. Parenting Win
There are 2 kinds of kids. Other people's kids who love veggies and my kids who drink the powdered sugar from the bottom of the cookie box— Stephanie M (@kookiedelukey) April 1, 2016
Yeah but those other kids are going to be sociopaths, so you win.
10. Generation iPhone
I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.— FleurDeLea (@Celestinelea90) September 17, 2013
Tag them in a few things on Facebook just to make sure you're driving it home.
11. When Your Kids Turn Your Brain To Mush
Therapist: what's upsetting you?— Ally Gator (@notacroc) March 9, 2016
Wife: he's always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
At least no one's talking in rhymes.
12. So That's A No, Then?
Him: Are you ready?— Ya-Ya™ (@macchiatonumb) January 26, 2016
Me: Yea, I just have to find my keys and get ready
I managed to get the kids ready, put on make-up, and clean up the Happy Meal boxes from the backseat. What have you been doing?
13. No Bra, No Problems
I just put on pajamas and my life improved by one-hundred percent.— Tartlandia™ (@SardonicTart) April 3, 2016
Yoga pants are too fancy, OK?
14. I'm All Out
Sorry but my kids ate my patience for breakfast.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 4, 2016
Even though they asked for waffles. UGH.
15. It Makes You Look Productive
My husband thinks I hang out in the kitchen because I like to cook but honestly it's because that's where the wine is.— K∀RL∀ (@karlainvt) April 2, 2016
Plus there's no Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playing in the kitchen.
16. Why Does Pre-K Start So Early?
alarm (noun)— Wicked Jen (@wickedsuga) March 30, 2016
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.
I mean, do kids have to be on time to school or is that like just a suggestion?
17. No Means No
My love for my children is never less evident to them than when they are begging me to join them in a freezing swimming pool.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 4, 2016
Worst parent ever.
18. So Innovative
Just caught my kid hiding in her closet eating jam out of a cup with a fork, and pretty much I'm just jealous she thought of it first.— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) March 30, 2016
I once found my kid eating a stick of butter in the fridge and all I could think was how much money I was going to save on bread.
19. Mom Shopping Takes Decades
If my mom has taught me anything, it's that there is no limit to how much time you can spend shopping for a table cloth.— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 26, 2016
One time, I outgrew all of my clothes while waiting on my mom to pick up a new set of dishes.
20. Children Are A Gift
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn't have children— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) April 3, 2016
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
So here, have my mine.
21. I Can Get Behind This
Why argue with a woman when you can just set yourself on fire?— Sean Burgundy (@Sean_Burgundy_) March 31, 2016
Yeah, why? I'm going to cross stitch this on a pillow for my house. It applies to toddlers, too.
22. No Chill
How to poop according to kids:— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 3, 2016
Stop, look concerned, throw whatever you're holding, sprint to the bathroom, fight to get your cape off.
Kids have no chill when it's time to poop. None.
23. I Always Ruin My Dinner
I eat a lot of snacks for someone who is usually annoyed by my kids' constant requests for snacks.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) November 10, 2015
"Kid, didn't I just feed you?" Rummages in cabinet for my third snack since lunch.
24. BEST! THING! EVER!
My son told me today, an average preschool day, was the best day of his life.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 1, 2016
I want to be just like him when I grow up.
I wish I was half excited about life as toddlers are about bubbles, deflated balloons, and a non-sticky sticker.
25. Discretion Is Key
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it's time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) March 31, 2016
Do you think this works at Chuck E. Cheese parties or would your SO not hear you over the sound of your soul dying?
26. Moochers & Leechers
It's good that I have two kids because who DOESN'T hate silence and cleanliness and money and free time?— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 4, 2016
Don't forget sleep!
27. Pass The Cookies
Can't wait until the kids leave home and I don't have to eat vegetables anymore.— Kat Meringue (@Izianikapani) April 5, 2016
Or eat candy bars in the closet.
28. This Is Life, Kid
I prepare my daughter for disappointment by always giving her the iPad with a 4% charge.— Salamingia (@salamingia) March 29, 2016
Best analogy ever. Get used to it, little bucko.
29. I Miss The '80s
2016: Kids eat organic yogurt & gluten free bagels.— momma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) February 21, 2016
1982: My Mom put SpaghettiOs on bread & called it a sandwich.
And you could eat it in the living room in front of cartoons! Sigh.
30. Those Forts Won't Build Themselves
Get married and have kids so that you can pick up throw pillows off the floor until you die.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 22, 2016
Be prepared to ask, "Why is this one sticky?" a lot, too.
31. The Dream
"Pizza palace how can I help you"— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) March 31, 2016
I'd like a large pizza and I'll give you $20 if your driver can hang with my kids while I nap for an hour
Do you eat the pizza or nap first? Can you sleep eat? My priorities need work.
32. Why Isn't This A Thing?
You guys a mom at this sno-cone stand asked her kid what flavor he wanted and he said ranch.— ErinEph (@ErinEph) July 28, 2014
I mean, it doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world.
33. Hide The First-Aid Kit
If my son's mission was to waste 40 mins picking a bandaid for an imaginary bruise to avoid bedtime, well then, mission accomplished.— momma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) April 1, 2016
Seriously. If you can, avoid ever giving your kids a band-aid because dear God, it never stops.
34. Candyland Is Legit Frustrating
Mildly concerned for how relentlessly my daughter cheats at Candyland.— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) February 14, 2016
You know what, when you're almost at the end and you pull the card that makes you go all the way back to the beginning, I can understand why you'd need to cheat.
35. The Dryer Works Harder Than Anyone
Have kids so the only thing hot and heavy in your house anymore is the laundry setting.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 4, 2016
And just wait until you touch the snaps on a onesie straight out of the dryer or get branded with the straps on a pair of OshKosh B'gosh overalls. You just thought you knew pain.
36. Like An Episode Of 'SNL'
Being a parent is like being half superhero, half supervillian who is just monologuing way longer than anyone is listening— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) April 4, 2016
Everyone is either totally satisfied or thinks you've ruined everything.
37. That Dollar Section Is A Trap
Went to Target feeling sad, and now we have to declare bankruptcy.— Suburbia_Mommy (@runner_mom2) March 27, 2016
You think everything's so cheap until you realize you picked up too many "cheap" things and now none of your kids are going to college.
38. A Fair Form Of Birth Control
A friend asked what it was like to have a kid so I wrapped myself around her leg & shot juice at her crotch w a squirt gun while she walked.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 1, 2016
Don't forget to smack her when she reads you the story you requested.
39. Dominate While You Can
You would think kicking a preschooler's ass at Mario Kart would feel like an empty victory.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 23, 2016
Soon you'll be saying things like, "In my day, you had to blow in your video games to make them work."
We all want the confidence of the fresh out of the bath naked strut toddler.— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) April 3, 2016
Seriously, no one owns it better. Who run the world? Toddlers.
41. It's Like A Date For Yourself
What's it called when you're up at 7:30am on a Sunday and already doing laundry? Oh that's right, adulting...and quite possibly sadness.— oh please (@ohpeetie) April 3, 2016
If your kids are still asleep, I'm calling this one a win.
42. Time To Prioritize, Dad
You'd think my husband would like it when my 8yo beatboxes as I do the robot but NOOOO he's on a "conference call" and we're "distracting."— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 7, 2016
Geez, adults are like no fun at all.
43. I Believe
Legend has it that when you utter the ancient words, "it's bedtime" the screams of children can be heard.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 24, 2016
And the louder they scream, the more necessary bedtime actually becomes.
44. When You Finally Train Your Kids
2yo just fetched me a new roll of toilet paper and now I understand why people have children.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 11, 2016
My toddler will now pick things up on low shelves for me at the grocery store and it's the best thing ever.
45. Ooh, That Smell
Husband: "Which towel is mine?"— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) April 3, 2016
Me: Which one smells terrible no matter how many times we wash it?
Husband: "The blue one."
Me: That one.
It's like the ripeness of a gorilla's scent mingled with Axe body wash.
46. Breakfast Of Champions
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast,— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 3, 2016
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn't mean for you.
Birthday cake and coffee do go exceptionally well together.
47. Seriously, They Have No Idea
I hate when the pediatrician asks questions directly to my kids. I'm a much better liar than they are.— Sara Mansford (@SaraMansford) March 30, 2016
Of course you eat your vegetables, honey! Tell the doctor all about the organic, healthy diet I have you on and the hour-long playtime we have outside instead of laughing at cat videos on the iPad. TELL THEM.
48. Snack Time
My son asked me to hold his Cheezits and I think we all know how that went.— Sock-her-mom (@sockher_mom) March 22, 2016
Maybe that'll teach your kids to stop asking you to hold their sh*t.
49. Every Parent Every Day
I love my children. I can't wait for them to be in bed tonight.— Beth Anne Ballance (@baballance) March 12, 2016
And then we'll spend two hours watching videos of them on our phone. Mom status for sure.