Way more interesting than reading The Once and Future King. Plus hi, Bathilda Bagshot. We're going to have a thing later.

I mean, fine. Bring your favorite book or blankie or whatever, but leave the rat at home, Ron. It's not like the Weasleys' owl Errol got to go — what's so special about this stupid rat? Except that I guess Sirius had to see it in the papers, so whatever.

I could've used that little gadget in quite a few relationships is all I'm saying.

That's kind of cool. I guess this was one of those instances where the Minister of Magic had to talk to the Prime Minister because muggles could've been in danger.

Dude, I'd have totally inflated her, too.

OK, fine, you can't mention Hogwarts, but seriously? St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys? No details, Dursleys. Just chill, geez.

I'd have blown her up within ten minutes of her visit.

Man, it's weird reading this and knowing the truth. That's no ordinary black dog, Harry. That's your godfather! Go say hi and take him a sandwich for crying out loud.

Enjoy this conductor job on the Knight Bus while you can because one day you're going to be under the Imperius Curse and acting as a Death Eater.

It's like no one remembers that Harry Potter's guardians are total *ssholes. Just sign the Hogsmead form, Fudge. You're the Minister of Magic!

Stupid rat. I want a Crookshanks of my own.

He's not after Harry, Weasleys. He's after that stupid rat you've been keeping alive!

He probably heard that stuff about Sirius and was like, damn it, can I not have one school year where someone isn't trying to kill me? (No, you can't. And you can't go to Hogsmeade either, sorry about that.)

I love that Mr. Weasley has to tell Harry not to look for Sirius and that Harry is confused. Harry, you're always going after things you shouldn't and people who could kill you. It's solid advice.

I think the patronus is my favorite charm of them all.

I will never forgive Rowling for killing Lupin. Never.

Or are the dementors there just because the Ministry of Magic insisted? Surely the entire wizarding world didn't think Sirius would do this kind of thing.

Shh, Harry, don't worry. That's not a Grim in your cup, it's your godfather. And Professor Trelawney is kind of cuckoo. Except for deciding yours and Voldemort's fate — she got that right.

God, Malfoy is such a little sh*t. Don't piss off the hippogriffs and they won't have to attack you. UGH.

You know he's going to go anyway, he might as well be safe about it. And Sirius isn't going to kill him — it's that stupid rat of Ron's! Why is no one listening to me?

Look, Dumbledore is a remarkably understanding person and always listens. Why is Sirius on a path to find Harry so bad that he rips apart the Fat Lady portrait? Why doesn't he just go talk to Dumbledore and explain everything? And if he wants to speak to Harry himself, why didn't he talk to him while he was waiting for the Knight Bus instead of staring at him like some creepy omen. UGH.

Every year Harry's like, "I'll be safe because of Dumbledore." Yet he refuses to tell the headmaster anything. How about telling him there's a giant black dog following you?

Pulling forth the horrors from your past? Sucking out your soul and making you feel depressed? Rowling really nailed it with these creepy guys. They may be worse than Voldemort.

Look, it's nice that they share the Marauder's Map with Harry, but poor Ron!

Has no one else ever been able to make it work? And if that's the case, then why did Filch think it was something to hold on to? I feel like Dumbledore should've had this squared away in his own desk.

Seriously, how smart were James, Sirius, Lupin, and stupid Pettigrew? So smart.

Is it because they know Sirius is after Harry and they needed someone who knew the backstory to be at Hogwarts? He should've always been the professor. Stupid prejudices against werewolves.

Seriously. That story about being betrayed by their friend is so sad. Dumbledore is always your safest bet.

Who's scared of the moon? I'm surprised it took Hermione as long as it did to figure it out, but I can't believe none of the other students had any guesses.

I mean, my God. Hasn't the boy been through enough? Why does he have to keep finding out stories about his parents and his past through that d*mn invisibility cloak?

Dude, no one's saying you can't have it, but let's make sure it's not going to kill you, OK? Geez. You act like people aren't constantly trying to end your life.

I mean, it's not a real Dementor. So how would it actually make the boggart pretending to be a Dementor go away? Also, this is a poor lesson. Harry needs the handicap of actually dealing with the Dementor in order to successfully execute a patronus. He's not going to have a nice calm atmosphere to work with.

It's safe so they just give it back to Harry? How did Sirius pay for this? Did he steal it? Was there a giant black dog walking down Diagon Alley with this broomstick in its mouth?

Come on, Professor McGonagall, fifty points away is not enough for four Slytherins to dress up like dementors and sabotage Harry. How about 50 each?

I get that you want to kill that rat, I really do, but dude. Let's be a little more subtle here and stop looking like a maniac. Also, I may have mentioned this but TALK TO DUMBLEDORE.

It's about time someone told Harry to quit acting like an idiot. Stop putting yourself in dangerous situations! Your parents died for you, ya jerk.

Seriously, home girl has had a lot on her plate. I'm glad she finally snapped.

Black is the dog, Pettigrew is the rat, Lupin is a werewolf, and Scabbers is actually the one who had James and Lily Potter killed? MIND. BLOWN. I forgot how fun this was to read the first time.

Sirius, Pettigrew, and James just all became Animagi to help their friend? That takes some serious skill, right? These guys were geniuses.

Crookshanks knew what was up. I'll never ignore my cat again for hating someone.

But Harry do you want to live with Sirius maybe? Dude, that's a little much to ask all of a sudden.

You should've brought your d*mn potion with you! Now everything is RUINED.

Or Dumbledore? Pettigrew does not sound like he was ever worthy.

Greatest invention ever? Or greatest invention ever?

It was nice for Harry to have some kind of happy future and father-figure while it lasted! Take care of Buckbeak!

Look, I know you don't like Lupin or Black, but they are members of the order, they could've helped in your fight against Voldemort, and Lily would've wanted them around. Shameful.

It does, right? In Malfoy Manor in the seventh book? Foreshadowing!