Children are tiny miracles and their smiles are pure magic. They can also be the quickest way to extinguish potential sparks between you and your partner. Don't get me wrong, having a child is not an immediate death sentence for your sex life. But unlike college roommates who understand what a sock on the door means, most kids lack subtlety when things like empty sippy cups qualify as door-busting emergencies. From curious kids to tantruming toddlers, there is seemingly no shortage of unpredictable and hilarious ways kids ruin sex.
In a way, having children can give you super human skills you never knew you had. In order to try and keep a healthy sex life after kids, you can develop ninja-like reflexes to quickly shut and lock doors, become surprisingly stealth and agile so you do not wake the kids, and, of course, learn how to use your precious time very, very efficiently.
Sure, you're probably familiar with all the standard tropes seen in television and films where an unsuspecting child walks in on their parents in a compromising position, but if you're an actual parent, you know that there are so many more ways for kids to ruin the moment. See if any of these scenarios (unfortunately) sound familiar.
1. They Make Everything Sticky
Back in your dorm room days, if something in your bedroom was sticky, it was a solid indicator that some kinky shenanigans went down. It may even solicit a high five from your friends. Now? It's an educated guess, really. Top possibilities include: snot, drool, that expensive hair gel you specifically told your kid not to touch, or the aftermath of a science experiment gone wrong that you have yet to discover.
2. They Need Middle Of The Night Feedings
Babies, as adorable as they may be, can literally drain life-sustaining milk from your body at any hour of the day or night.So when your little latchling has finished feeding off of you, the mood might not really lend itself to romantic encounters. Not to mention that your "fun bags" probably don't need any additional squeezing.
3. They Interrupt
Sure, it may be a played-out stereotype, but that doesn't make it any less of a possibility in real life. You know the scenario: you and your partner are in the midst of making love and you suddenly hear, "Mommy?" Yup. Insta-mood killer. Even if you lock the door or have a system in place, the threat of an interruption is always on the back of your mind and can be a major distraction in and of itself. At least it'll make a fun story later when you're having to explain why mommy was doing "special wrestling."
4. They Keep You From Flipping The Switch
Yes, you are a woman with a wide range of facets to your personality. You're fun, sexy, talented, and more. But it can be hard to remember than when you've been "fun mommy" all day with your child. Few things are worse than getting a nursery rhyme or kid's TV show theme song stuck in your head at the precise moment your partner wants to get busy. Somehow thinking about Dora at the same time you're exploring each other's bodies seems very, very wrong.
5. They Suck The Energy Out Of You
Again, just because certain adult activities tend to happen during the naughty, nocturnal hours, doesn't mean that how you spent your day won't have any impact on things. Whether you're a SAHM, work outside the home, or some other combination, your energy levels can take a major hit. For some reason, perhaps scientists will one day discover why, children not only seem to have an infinite supply of energy, but it seems to grow in direct proportion to you losing yours. Needless to say, being tired isn't necessarily conducive to sex.
6. They Can Cause Pregnancy Scares
This one may not resonate with all parents, but I know several couples who have been cautious to restart their love life because the only way to guarantee you won't have a "surprise" is abstinence. Women usually feel this hesitation a bit more since they are the ones that actually endure the affects of pregnancy and childbirth. So sometimes when you're gazing into your sweet child's eyes, your partner might think you're just basking in the awe of having created a life, when in reality you're terrified of giving them a sibling.
7. They LEave Their Stuff Is Everywhere
Have you ever been getting hot and heavy only to look over and see your child's teddy bear staring at you with its cold, dead, eyes? OK, maybe it wasn't a stuffed animal. Perhaps it was just a cute, little sock or their favorite story book. Either way, catching a glimpse of your kid's stuff can stir up some decidedly non-sexy feelings. Though you may try to power through it, the fire that fueled your frenzied love-making can easily give way to a squishy, heavy... heart. What did you think I was going to say?