Everyone loves to joke that once you have kids, sex is virtually nonexistent. You're either wiping someone's butt, fixing someone's PB&J, or simply too exhausted to get it on. But for some parents, especially those with older children, it's keeping kids from walking in during sex that makes it so difficult. Not only does it totally kill the mood to have a 4-yer-old barge in asking for a cup of juice, but how awkward is it to then explain your lovemaking as a very aggressive hug? If you know how to avoid getting caught during sex by your kids, you can increase your chances of intimacy and make sex even more enjoyable.
Because children? They have no boundaries. It doesn't matter how old they are, or how much you tell them mommy needs her privacy, they're bound to interrupt at some point. How many times have you tried to pee with an audience? Kids are all up in your space at any given moment, but that doesn't mean you have to give up one of your favorite activities. For starters, you can always pick a good hiding spot to get down and dirty. When the kids are around, it can pay to get creative about the location, so give up your hatred of the great outdoors. And once you have a good spot, give one of these seven tips a whirl and see if it helps keep your kids out of your business for at least long enough to enjoy. (And if that doesn't work, it's time to call grandma, seriously. You need alone time with your partner.)
1. Be Quiet
It doesn't matter how loud Frozen is, you and your partner have to keep as quiet as possible during sex. If your kids can hear a potato chip bag opening three houses away, what makes you think they won't come check on your muffled screams and headboard banging?
2. Make It Quick
The long, drawn-out lovemaking can happen with the kids are at grandma's. You don't have time to stare deeply into each other's eyes as you do the deed. Wham bam, thank you, ma'am because someone's going to want a glass of water and another bedtime story in like three minutes.
3. Wait Until They're Out
Yes, this might mean staying up past 9:30 on a school night to get some action, but it works. When you know there's little to no chance of your kids coming back out of their bedroom to tell you their socks came off, you can get away with a little romantic rendez-vous without your kids noticing.
4. Lock The Door
Kids have no sense of privacy, so lock your bedroom door to give you and your partner the alone time you deserve. If your kids need you, it gives you time to throw on some pants before checking on them, too. Just remember to unlock it once your romp is over.
5. Tell Them You're Cleaning
If you know your kids are going to barge in no matter what, a little white lie never hurt anyone. Tell them you and your partner will be cleaning your bedroom for a little while and if anyone interrupts, they have to help with the task. You'll probably get like 12 hours of quiet time with this maneuver.
6. Say You're Having Quiet Time
We all enforce quiet time for our kids, right? Even if they're too old for napping, you've probably asked them to hang out in their room with a book or some crayons for a little quiet relaxing. Let them know that you and your SO have to have the same kind of quiet time, and they shouldn't disturb you two.
7. Give Them Some Screen Time
There's no room for judging here. Hand those kids an iPad or the Netflix remote and you've just bought yourself several episodes of Paw Patrol worth of alone time.
8. Play Hide And Seek
Whether you and your partner are the ones hiding from the kids or seeking, this game can work out to your advantage. If you're hiding, choose the attic or the basement where your kids won't find you and you can get it done quickly. If you're the seekers, your kids will think they are the best hiders ever because you took 15 minutes to find them. Win-win.