9 Places to Have Sex Where the Kids Won’t Find You Because a Mom Has Needs, Damn It
Americans are entitled to certain privileges — life, liberty, and the pursuit of consensual sexual pleasure whenever and wherever. OK, that last one isn’t in the Declaration of Independence, but it’s a freedom many people take for granted. And that’s especially evident after having kids. Once you become a mom there’s a tiny child who constantly craves your attention and insists on sleeping between you and your partner every night. But this doesn’t mean your sex life has to disappear. You just need to get a little creative and discover places to have sex where the kids won’t find you.
Creativity shouldn’t be a new aspect of your sex life, right? I’m sure that kitchen counter has held your butt once or twice. And what about when you were younger and sneaking for under the pants action with your partner. You simply have to put those skills to use again. This not only means finding a secret sex room (or closet — you can’t be too picky), but also removing as little clothing as possible should you get caught in the act. If you’re looking for some uninterrupted time with your SO, try one of these nine places to sneak away for sex where where your kids won’t find you. They all have their perks, but let’s be real here — if you can orgasm without having to hear someone cry “mama,” then it’s a great space.
Whether it’s hopping in the shower to share some suds, or having a quickie over the sink, the bathroom is the perfect spot to sneak away. Say that you have to give daddy a towel or give mommy a new roll of toilet paper, and enjoy a few intimate minutes together.
If you needed motivation to keep your closet floor clean, this would be it. Sex in the closet may sound silly, but when your kids are prone to opening your bedroom door whenever they feel like it and you need a few moments alone, it doesn’t sound so out there. Plus the darkness of the closet can up the sexiness and turn you on even more. You also have easy access to ties in there. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Set the kids up with some Sesame Street, grab your partner’s hand, and sneak off to the basement. The bonus to this is that you’ll have plenty of time to hear your kids heading down the stairs and be able to put everything back where it belongs before you’re found.
Car sex isn’t just for horny teens — it’s for parents, too. When you need to sneak away for a few minutes where you won’t be caught, your car is the perfect spot. Slap the baby monitor on the dash and get down in the backseat.
Like the basement, the garage is a sweet spot that gives you plenty of time to hear your kiddos looking for you without sacrificing privacy. Duck behind that freezer or use the lawnmower as a seat for you and your SO to get it on.
Do your kids even know where the laundry room is? If older kids get suspicious, ask them if they want to help fold clothes. Chances are they’ll bolt as fast as they can from the area. Another bonus? If the appliances are running, you can stand to make a little bit of noise. And isn’t there some trick about getting it on with the dryer running? Time to try it out, my friend.
An excellent choice, especially if your children are sleeping. Take the baby monitor with you and a blanket to have a romantic rendez-vous in your own backyard. You’ll be on the ground so chances of your children looking for you there are pretty low, but you’ll also have plenty of time to put yourself back together if they come outside. Oh and one more word — trampoline. You’re welcome.
Got a shed? Then you have your very own love shack. Move those rakes and leaf blowers out of the way so you and your SO can get down without the kiddos interrupting. Quickies are some of the best, but sneaking out to the shed gives you a little more time to enjoy each other.
I don’t necessarily mean the guest bedroom in your house either. Headed to your parents’ for Thanksgiving? Let the kids be distracted by their doting grandparents and sneak off to the guest bedroom. Your children won’t even know you’ve gone and the two of you can feel like you’re 14 all over again. Just don’t forget to lock the door.