This article is not about how you should go out of your way to find a feminist to sleep with. This article is also not about feminists being better than anyone else. This article will not give you tips on how to have sex with a feminist. This article, instead, outlines the reasons why you shouldn’t bother to have sex with folks who are racist, sexist, classist, or bigoted in some other way. It’s about why you should spend your sexy time on folks who will surely value you as a partner, whether it’s for one night or your entire lives. In other words, it's about why, if you're lucky enough to be invited to have sex with a feminist, you're pretty likely to have the best goddamn time in bed you've ever had.
Fun fact: In preparation for this article, I decided to Google “sex with a feminist” to see what else has already been written out there. While I found some great, sex-positive pieces, I also unsurprisingly found a number of articles written (most likely by Men’s Rights Activists) that were unabashedly sexist. One article in particular is by a popular and highly outspoken misogynist who writes about why you shouldn’t have sex with a feminist. They go on to talk bash not only feminists, but all women who won’t sleep with them. It’s crap like this that fuels me to continue writing about feminism.
These are just some of the reasons why you should have sex with a feminist.
Because Enthusiastic Consent Is The Hottest
Consent is a major issue for feminists. At a time when rape culture can be seen everywhere, and when nearly 300,000 people are victims of sexual assaults each year, it’s wonderful to finally see consent making major headlines. As any feminist can tell you, if you’re going to have sex with someone, you better make sure that you’re both on the same page about wanting to. Most feminists will probably give you a sign of positive consent (you know, like saying, “Fuck yeah, I want to sleep with you!” or some variation). And really, isn’t it nice to know that someone wants to have sex with you, to the point that they are screaming “yes!” at points? Who doesn’t like to feel wanted and appreciated? Because seriously, that’s all a big part of consent.
...And The Consent Goes Both Ways
A feminist won’t try to go farther with you than you want. We won’t try to “take advantage” of you when you’re drunk or otherwise unable to consent, because we know that’s rape. We won’t try to push the matter if you don’t feel like having sex at the time, because we know what coercion is, and we know that can lead to rape. We won’t try to do sexual acts that you’re not comfortable with, because that’s also a form of rape. We won’t belittle you if you don’t feel up to having sex at the time, because we know that’s simply messed up. We want you to know that we want you, and we want to know that you want us.
We Tend To Know What We Like (And Won’t Be Afraid To Tell You)
Feminism teaches women to explore and get to know their own bodies. This is why there is so much sex-positive feminism out there; why there are feminists who discuss the importance of masturbation, who defend (and even create) pornography, and who just really want to be sure that everyone who wants to get off knows how. Many feminists will not be afraid to tell you what they like in bed, whether it’s receiving (or giving) oral, lots of manual stimulation, being on top (or on bottom), getting spanked (or spanking you), or anything else. Isn’t it nice to sleep with someone who’s willing to be a little vocal about what they like rather than trying to read their minds (and possibly even boring them)?
We Care Enough To Make Sure Everyone Is Enjoying Themselves
Sleeping with a feminists often also means that you’re going to be with a partner who wants to please you as well. Yes, we are vocal about what we want and will tell you, but that doesn’t mean we’re selfish. If anything, feminists want everyone involved to enjoy themselves and get off (if they want). We might ask you what you prefer, or try to read your cues. And we’re certainly receptive to you letting us know what it is you like. So please, if you’re going to sleep with someone who labels themselves a feminist, don’t be afraid to let them know what you like.
We Won’t Shame You For Your Kinks, Quirks, Or Anything Else
To expand on the last point, not only should you let your feminist partner know what you like, you should let them know what you’re into, what you don’t like, if you have anything that might make sex difficult for you, etc., without fear of being shamed. Most feminists will not make you feel badly about yourself, your body, or your likes and dislikes when it comes to sex (or most other things, really). We will listen with an open mind and let you know if that works for us. You’re into light BDSM? Maybe your partner is too, or maybe they are willing to try it out and see if they like it. Or maybe not, but with a feminist, you're less likely to be judged for whatever you like. You’re into role-playing? Maybe they’re not into that, but they’ll let you know it’s just not for them, but that it’s cool that you are. And if there’s anything that might make sex a bit of an issue for you (say, an erectile dysfunction problem), we won’t make you feel bad about this because we understand health problems and will find a way to help or work around it.
We Totally Understand How Complex Gender, Sex, And Sexuality Are
Feminists know the difference between sex and gender. We know and are understanding of how some folks are cis-gendered (the same gender they were assigned at birth) while others are transgendered (a different gender from the one they were assigned). We know some folks identify as queer or gender-fluid or third-gendered. We get that some folks identify as heterosexual or homosexual, while others are bisexual, or pansexual, or asexual. Basically, if you’re going to sleep with someone, don’t you want it to be with someone who is open-minded about anything and everything regarding sex?