In case you missed, Jeb Bush, looking to overcome his dismal 5 percent in the polls, has a new slogan: "Jeb Can Fix It." Oh, Honey. The slogan was unveiled during a rally at the Tampa Garden Club in Tampa, Florida on Monday, and Twitter has been pretty merciless to Jeb ever since. I'm for giving him the benefit of the doubt on this, though. When he was governor of Florida, he once helped a constituent get a raccoon out of her attic. That's pretty cool, I guess. I once had a mouse in my basement, and it never once occurred to me to get my state government involved. I just went to Home Depot and bought a trap, then released the little bugger in my garden.
To be honest, I lean more towards Bernie and Hillary than yet another Bush, but if he can parlay his very, very small margin of supporters into a presidential nomination and then a win, I wouldn't mind having a little help around the house from Bush III. I may not be a fan of his politics, but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. It's hard out here for a mom! I'm busy, and there are more than a few things that could use some fixing around here. Such as...
My Closet Doors
You know that thing when your sliding closet doors come off the track, but not all the way off the track? So they stick halfway open, and they make clunking noises, and you can't reach your favorite shirt? Can Jeb come over and fix that?
My Brown Lawn
Reseeding a lawn is such a thing. You have to rip up the dead grass with that short rake thingy, put down the new seed, water it just right– not too much, not too little, not too late, not too early. And I can't afford those fancy pop-up sprinklers, so I have to water the lawn in sections, running outside every hour to move the sprinkler to the next area. It's really a pain, and honestly, I'd rather have Jeb fix it.
The Pay Gap
Fact: Right now, somewhere in the world, a man is sitting at his laptop making fun of Jeb Bush on the internet. And I am only getting paid 77 percent of what that dude's making. That is bullsh*t. Jeb, can you fix that for me, please?
My Phone Signal
I've been going back and forth with Verizon for over a week trying to figure out what's wrong with my signal. I'm dropping calls like it's 1999 over here. Is my phone broken? Is my network extender faulty? Nobody knows. I've actually got the tech guy's personal number at this point, and even he can't fix it. Can Jeb?
The Bathroom Faucet
My bathroom faucet has been dripping for months, but I don't want to bother my landlord about it, because he hasn't raised the rent in years and we're not looking to give him a reason. I Googled how it fix it, but you have to take the whole sink apart, and I really don't have the time for that. Maybe Jeb can fix it?
Child Care Costs
Child care can cost more than college tuition in 24 states and the District of Columbia. Are you kidding me? I'm lucky enough to have a kid in public elementary school, which is free, but I still have to go by their schedule. For example, today is Election Day, so my son's home, which means — Yes, honey, you can have a granola bar, but can you use the step stool to get it yourself because I'm working right now — excuse me, which means that I have to take care of my son while I'm working. It's kind of difficult, Jeb. Can ya fix it, please?
This Stupid AT-AT Walker
This thing drives me bananas. The legs fall off all the damn time, and get this: they're all different. You can't just stick any leg back in any hole; they all belong to a specific one. My son has owned it for four years, and he still can't put it back together himself. So I'm constantly getting called away from my important work or TV shows to fix it for him. Yo, Jeb, you fix it!