7 Thoughts Everyone Has After Eating Themselves Into A Coma On Thanksgiving

It's finally here! Everyone's favorite eating/football/giant inflatable balloon parade holiday is upon us. I'm not hosting this year (shout-out to my fellow Thanksgiving hosting virgins), so I'm excited to make small talk with my relatives while grazing appetizers, sipping fizzy drinks, and secretly hoping that my offers to help in the kitchen are politely brushed off. (Wait, that sounds bad; let the record show that we are bringing contributions of food and booze.)

As you can tell, my family tends to be pretty traditional in our Turkey Day celebrations. (Dear god, I just called it Turkey Day. I'm officially old and lame.) It's not that I don't recognize the complicated origin of this holiday — I do — it's that I'm still processing how to handle it. In the meantime, I think it's OK to still enjoy the traditions and the warm fuzzies they create, to be thankful for the present while actively remembering the past, and letting that inform our attempts to move toward a better future. Along these same lines, I'm thankful to have actual downtime with my family, where there's not much for us to do together except eat, relax and just be (OK, and a few tasks related to food and dishes, but still). I especially enjoy the after-meal bonding that takes place as we all loaf around, angled toward the TV, digesting together like it's a team sport. One thing that's certain is that it takes some time to recover from the big meal. Here's what I suspect we're all thinking in those lazy hours...

"I'm So Full. But I Regret Nothing."

Well, technically I might regret a few things, but I'll get over it. In the meantime, no one talk to me about leftovers.

"Stretchy Skinny Jeans Aren't That Stretchy, Liars."

If they were, I wouldn't be in such severe pain right now.

"They Better Leave Room On The Couch For Me."

...Or I will make room. When it comes to getting comfortably reclined after a huge meal, I have no family, and no shame. You've all been warned.

"What In Fresh Hell Do I Have To Get 'Home Alone' On This TV?"

Because it's almost Christmas! The season of perpetual hope. And I don't care if I have to get out on the runway and hitchhike! If it costs me everything I own. If I have to sell my soul to the-wait, no. I'll stop there. I just feel like watching this movie, is that so wrong?

"I Wonder What Justin Bieber Is Doing Right Now..."

Am I the only one who wonders how celebrities celebrate? No?

"Is It Too Early To Put Up The Christmas Tree?"

"Yes? OK, then we seriously need to find that Home Alone DVD. Give me something, guys."

"If I Try Hard Enough, Maybe I'll Be Able To Fight The Tryptophan."

Every year, I try and fail. Tryptophan, you are an elusive minx. One day, I will overcome your siren ways.

Images: Heather/Giphy; Giphy(7)