Funny Thanksgiving Quotes To Help You Deal With The Realities Of Turkey Day

There are so many things about Thanksgiving that make it, in some people's minds, the best holiday ever. It's a time when your loved ones come together, bearing food, good will, food, thanks, food, love, and did I mention food? So what's there to joke about when it comes to the fourth Thursday in November? Well, leave it to professional wits and comedians to come up with funny Thanksgiving quotes.

To start with, there’s the food. From your traditional, beloved classics like a mammoth turkey with all the trimmings to a non-traditional but equally delicious meatless feast, Thanksgiving is without question the most lip-smacking holiday of the year, without the pressure of gift-giving or the solemnity of a religious holiday. So we eat a lot. Like, a lot. Like, an unbelievable amount, with pacing and breaks and napping in between. That’s some joke fodder to start with. And sometimes the food isn’t what we want it to be due to kitchen mishaps or lack of cooking skillz. That’s definitely some more joke material. Moreover, there are some other touchy, holiday-related topics that comedians love to address with humor. For example, not everyone is thrilled about the origins of Thanksgiving. And yet others feel like all that family time and talking is, well, too much.

If the prospect of dry, boxed stuffing is getting you down, or the idea of a long weekend with your family makes you want to overdose on tryptophan, then it’s time to take a cue from said comedians and look at some funny quotes about Turkey Day.

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." - Jon Stewart

"Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out." - Nicole Hollander

"Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car." - Stephen Colbert

"If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself." - Mitch Hedberg

"Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'" - Greg Proops

"My mom has a little nickname for [when I came out]. She calls it 'The Thanksgiving That Stephanie Ruined.' All time is told in our family tree by this one day. I'll go, 'Hey Mom, what year did Grandpa have his heart surgery?' 'Well, let's see. The Thanksgiving That You Ruined was in '92, so that means he had his surgery in '67.'" - Stephanie Howard

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants." - Kevin James

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." - Erma Bombeck

"I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times, and then ordering online." - Kumail Nanjiani

"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." - Johnny Carson

"Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'" - Jim Gaffigan