Are you longing to really stand out from the Halloween crowd, and dazzle trick-or-treaters with something other than the usual Party City/Target/Home Depot inflatables? Well, I might have the answer. For I have just fallen down a discount megastore rabbit-hole, my friends, and what I found I shan't soon forget. Allow me to share with you some of the absolute weirdest Halloween items available from Wayfair.
Wayfair is a funny little corner of the web, no? One can purchase very reasonable, practical items, like cookware sets and rugs. And then one can also purchase a metal sculpture of a frog drinking coffee. The retailer's penchant for fusing together items one normally doesn't link together in one's brain, such as, say, robots and clowns, makes me wonder if the store is: a.) trolling the American consumer just to see how ridiculous something has to be before we will buy it, or b.) run by a team of cheerful micro-dosers. Either way, one can easily lose several minutes of their life scrolling through the site. Just when you start to think, "Okay, this is all just light fixtures, it isn't that strange, then BAM! Here comes the 31'' tall golden flamingo lamp.
1. Candy Corn Poodle Glass Cutting Board
I realize it sounds like someone just put a knife in my back and asked me to scream the first six words that popped into my head, but I swear, the Candy Corn Poodle Glass Cutting Board is a thing. A mind-boggling thing, yes, but a thing nonetheless. Now I know you're all, "this is great, but we're really more of a Candy Corn Bull Terrier Glass Cutting Board kind of home." Totally understandable. And don't you worry, Wayfair's got you covered.
Really, the more I stare at this image, it reminds me of those pictures in textbooks that show artwork created by serial killers. "And then Mr. Gacy began experimenting with watercolors..."
2. Crow Witch
So, I have to hand it to Wayfair on this one. This thing is legit terrifying, and I fully expect to have Crow Witch nightmares for weeks to come. Hard to pinpoint the creepiest part of this figurine. Is it the bird legs? Or the fact that the witch appears to be carrying what looks like Dame Maggie Smith's hallowed-out head like a purse?
3. Spooky Puppies Print
I could be very wrong, but to my eyes, this unique bit of wall art appears to have been created by a seriously disgruntled graphic designer who was turning in his final assignment, just before slamming the door behind him. "You want 'Halloween elegance' Fine! I'll give you some Halloween elegance... "
There were just so many interesting choices made here. The collie in a witch's hat... the sequins on said witch's hat... the German Shepherd with what appears to be a serious ophthalmic condition.
4. The Dweller Below
So, I totally get what they're going for here. And I'm not saying the whole "scary man climbing out of the sewer" isn't a winning Halloween idea. But I feel something was perhaps lost in the execution. Like, why is the man gray? Why is he wearing a hoodie? And why does he look less like he's coming to haunt you, and more like he's coming to lecture you about the importance of filing your taxes on time?
5. Bony Jewelry Display Leg
You know how sometimes you really want to hang your jewelry on a high-heeled skeleton foot, but then can only find skeleton feet wearing flats? Frustrating, right? Well, the search is over. Not only is this bone foot wearing a stiletto, it's a bejeweled stiletto. With silver wires shooting out of the top. Basically, the ideal means for displaying your most beloved necklaces and earrings.
6. Zombie Toilet Decal
All I can say is that this was very clearly created by a man, as any woman who has every wielded a maxi pad would know this is completely unacceptable as Halloween decor. Though maybe if you glued a tampon to the zombie hand it could be a feminist statement?
7. Keepsake Evil Cat Figurine
"Hey, babe? Before you drop the kids at soccer, you know what I think the front yard needs? No, not more marigolds. I was thinking maybe like a large wooden cat's head? You know, like one wearing a really elaborate and confusing witch's hat depicting trees and bats and houses? And also, if the cat could maybe look inexplicably sad? Will you maybe grab one for me at Walmart on your way home? What? Walmart doesn't carry any? Oh, okay, never mind. I think I know who might have it..."