Babies are awesome. I mean, they're adorable and so cuddly and soft and they smell amazing and they have this uncanny ability to put everything in perspective for you and the people around you. They also know more than they let on, and while they may not be able to crawl or form words or even eat by themselves, they spend a good amount of time observing their small albeit active world, and they're learning. Oh, how they're learning. The creepy things babies do because they know things can throw even the most well-prepared, well-researched parent into a spiral of unbelievable doubt (and a little fear). Then again, that could just be me, because I have seen way too many scary movies that involve little kids doing creepy things because they know stuff.
I have a feeling my baby knew way more than he let on. He stopped doing things that showcased his development as soon as I asked someone else to look; He wouldn't let me touch his father without screaming and crying because, I'm convinced, he wanted (and still wants) to be an only child; He moved around our living room when he claimed, via body language, that he couldn't crawl. I'm telling you, he played dumb so that I would be the one to pick him up and feed him and dress him and do things he could have totally done himself but didn't want to because hello laziness. Well played, kid. Well played.
My kid wasn't always stealthy though. Sometimes the revealed himself by doing super creepy things that were clearly a sign that he knew things. Oh yes, he knew all the things. So, if you're starting to think that your baby is way smarter than they're wanting you to think they are, look out for the following (creepy) things:
Cry As Soon As You Kiss Your Partner...
It was uncanny, but my baby cried almost every single time I went to kiss my partner. I could walk up to him with a pucker, and the kid would start crying. I could back up a few steps, and the kid would immediately stop. I am convinced that my baby didn't (and still doesn't) want a sibling, so any kissing or romantic affection is not allowed.
...Or Even Touch Your Partner...
I mean, honestly. Sometimes even hugging my partner would get my baby to start crying. The kid wasn't aware of his surroundings or even capable of containing his drool, but when he felt some sort of potentially sexual energy between his father and I, all bets were off and he was stretching out that healthy set of lungs he had. Thanks, kid.
...Or Get Anywhere Near Your Partner
How do they even know?!
Poop As Soon As You Change Their Diaper
My toddler still does this. He knows. He just, knows, and apparently he also thinks that diapers and/or underwear are very cheap. When he was a baby, he would save his poops for a fresh, brand new diaper and it drove me insane. Everyone says babies can't control their bowel movements or bladder, but I don't believe that for a second. My baby held his poop for diaper number two, just to drive me semi-insane.
Sleep With Their Eyes Half Open
This honestly freaked me the hell out the first time I noticed that my son was sleeping with his eyes halfway open. I could see his little eyelids flickering and it was kind of scary because, well, I have seen too many horror movies. Turns out, babies spend the majority of their sleep time in REM sleep, about 50 percent as opposed to an adult's measly 20 percent. Because they're sleeping so often and in REM so frequently, it's pretty common for them to sleep with their eyes half-open, or even completely open. Eventually, they'll grow out of it, but have fun getting sufficiently freaked out until then.
Magically Escape From An Enclosure
How do they freakin' do it they are just tiny little humans who can barely stand up yet this isn't normal. Well, it actually kind of is, but it's still unbelievable. I vividly remember a time when I left my son on the floor (surrounded by pillows) as he was just learning to sit up by himself. He couldn't crawl. He definitely couldn't walk. I mean, he could barely sit up for an extended period of time. I looked away while making lunch, only to turn back around and see him closer to the kitchen. How did this happen?! You know, I don't want to know, because if the answer involves supernatural activity I won't be able to deal.
The babies know that we're a cough or a slight fever or even an odd "look" away from calling the emergency room , and they're all about exploiting that undeniable fact. Turns out, babies "fake cough," which is a real thing I had no idea actually existed, but has been responsible for me calling my pediatrician or a nurse's line (or my mother) at odd hours of the night. The "fake coughing" is actually a developmental sign that your baby is starting to pick up on social cues, and notices that when he or she coughs, they get attention. I just think it's evil.
Stop A Particular Action As Soon As Someone Else Looks
I honestly believe that all babies are out to make their parents look like complete and total liars. It's a baby conspiracy, I am sure of it. I can't tell you how many times I have watched my baby (and now, my toddler) do something new and cool a number of times, only to immediately witness my baby (and now, my toddler) stop as soon as someone else is around. I swear my baby can do that one thing. I swear he said, "mom." I swear.