Guys, the day my breast pump got packed away was one of the happiest days of my life. Maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but the fact remains that I’ve never met a mom who liked pumping (although shout-out to any of you that are out there, you are goddesses). While breastfeeding can be a sweet time for mom and baby, there’s hardly anything sweet or gentle or loving about inserting your breasts into a motorized machine. That said, there are (believe it or not) some terrible things about pumping that are actually funny, if you really stop to think about it (and if you're, probably, no longer breast pumping).
Breast pumping is mechanical; it’s awkward; it’s necessary in a cyborg kind of way; it makes weird noises that are as strange as they are annoying. We’re talking about machinery and nipples and tiny bottles of super-important liquid and a willing participant just sitting there, waiting for it all to be over so, honestly, how could hilarity not ensue? Wait, please don’t answer that.
Now that I’m on the other side of pumping, hindsight has given me a sense of humor about the whole thing, as well as the ability to actually appreciate the entire act and everything that it entails (even the not-so fun parts, which is pretty much all of it). Please allow me to share some of the worst parts about breast pumping, that are now pretty damn hilarious. Trust me, moms; once you're out of the best pumping trenches, the grass really is greener. (An extra special shout-out to any of you who happen to be reading while pumping. I see you, ladies. I see you.)