This May 12, moms across the country will stand with their thumbs hovering over their phones, attempting to craft hilarious Instagram captions for Mother's Day to capture the bliss...the joy...the wonder that is maternal love.
How to possibly convey what it means to mother a child? How to accurately describe the day-to-day triumphs and heartbreaks and unexplainable stickiness? And how to come up with any kind of caption at all when your little angel is pulling at your pants like a feral raccoon because YouTube won’t stop buffering?
In America, Mother's Day will largely consist of Insta posts, husbands across the land hastily grabbing scented candles in Target, and of course — brunch. (Why exactly we celebrate the creators of human life with feta omelets, I know not. According to Scholastic Parents, in 1920s France they used to give mothers an actual freaking gold medal. An idea I can really get behind. Small trophies would also be appreciated.)
Anyway, May 12 is supposed to be a day of rest and celebration for you, Mom! (To which moms everywhere say, “Lol right.”) So allow me to help lighten the load that day, by offering a selection of carefully considered captions… captions perfectly suited to celebrating the glory of motherhood.
1. Hashtag Truth
Sure, I had to get an episiotomy... but look! Eggs Benedict and a mimosa! #MothersDayTreats
2. Pure Joy
Please enjoy this heavily filtered moment of Mother’s Day perfection featuring my child bringing me a stack of pancakes in bed. Please disregard that I made the food myself, my child had to be bribed with M&M’s to hold the plate, and that shortly after the photo was taken he spilled syrup on the dog and now everyone...everyone...is screaming. #MommysSpecialDay
3. Self Care
This Mother's Day... rosé all day! And by rosé all day, I mean I would like to lie down in a bathtub of pink wine, not unlike Miss Hannigan in Annie.
4. This Wasn't In The Manual
Mothers hold their children’s hands for awhile, their children’s hearts for forever, and pick up LEGOs until they are dead.
5. It's The Little Things
Motherhood brings with it so many tender little moments. Sticky hands tugging you onward... Chubby cheeks and gleeful giggles... Someone to sit and and stare at you when you're on the toilet, while they eat Skittles and talk about the size of a shark’s brain...
6. Mommie Dearest
This Mother’s Day, think of all the times you didn’t maniacally cut down your rose garden at 2am while wearing a ballgown. And give yourself a little pat on the back. #WayToGoMom
7. Postpartum Life Lasts Forever
Help your partner understand what the magic of motherhood truly means: encourage him to wet his pants at a trampoline park. #MothersDayTruth
8. A Real Gift
Did you wake up this morning wishing you had an oversized plate with a handprint on it, or maybe a necklace fashioned from a knotted pipe cleaner, a single bead, and a random black hair? Well, guess what ladies…you’re in luck! #MothersDayGifts
9. Preparation Is Key
How to prepare for Motherhood: 1. Wake yourself up just before dawn to discuss what would happen if a robot had leeches for arms. 2. Scatter small bits of chicken around your home. 3. Have someone scream your name repeatedly while you are attempting to apply mascara. 4. Think of the thing you love most in the world. Now multiply that feeling by a gazillion infinity trillion billion. #WouldntTradeItForAnything