Potty training is the worst. Literally, the worst. Considering it's something that every parent dreads, it's a wonder how all of us aren't still walking around in adult diapers. If you've started the trying journey that is potty training, you're probably all too aware of how awful it can be. Still, while it may seem impossible, there are terrible things about potty training that are actually hilarious when you look back. I know what you're thinking; "This lady has lost her mind," but I promise, it will all make sense one day.
It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're doing your 3rd load of laundry in a 12 hour period because your kid has soiled all of their clothes, but you will see the light. Eventually. The emotional stages of potty training range from optimism to hopelessness, and they drive every parent to the brink of insanity. No matter how many potty training tips from other parents you receive, you will inevitably declare your child as completely unteachable and consider how much money you'll spend if you have to buy them diapers for the rest of their lives, but don't give up hope.
You shouldn't beat yourself up if potty training isn't going well. It's different for every child, and it's true when they say that when your child is ready, they will let you know. Just take solace in the fact that you will laugh at the following nine things one day, even though they seem sort of (read: definitely) terrible now.
You Cheered When Someone Pooped
A big part of potty training is positive reinforcement. That's why, when your kid's cheeks hit the toilet seat and they carried out their business appropriately, you cheered harder than when your favorite NFL team won the Super Bowl. Your neighbors probably worried that you were drinking heavily because of the sounds they heard coming out of your apartment, but you didn't even care because your kid used the potty, and that is one of the greatest victories a parent will ever experience.
There Was Urine On Everything
The floor, the toilet seat, your shoes, your toddler's shoes, the dog, your hands. Literally everything.
Your Life Revolved Around Someone Else's Poop
Potty training is an all or nothing lesson for kids. That means that, while you were potty training your child, you kept a tight schedule and probably harassed them every 30 minutes or so to see if they needed to go potty. It's also pretty hard to get out of the house in the middle of potty training because, well, when they've gotta go, they've gotta go, and sometimes they've got to go half way through the drive to Grandma's house.
You Constantly Talked About Someone's Bathroom Habits Like It Was No Big Deal
Potty training consumes parents, so it's understandable that it would be a popular topic of any conversation they may or may not have. The potty training dialogue is yet another notch on the awkward belt of parenthood, but you don't care because your child went #2 in the toilet, and that's a big freaking deal that everyone needs to know about.
You Had To Teach A Tiny Human How To Wipe Their Butt
As adults, we take things like being able to wipe our own butts, for granted. Only when we're potty training our children do we ever stop to think about our own adventure of learning proper hygiene. It is then that we pause to appreciate all our parents did for us as children (and realize that the day they said we'd finally understand, has arrived).
Cleaning Explosive Diapers Is Nothing Compared To Cleaning Explosive Underwear
At least diapers are absorbent. Underwear, however, offers no barrier between clean hands and dirty bottoms, so cleaning up the remnants of an explosive poop that took place while wearing big kid underwear requires lots of post-cleanup scrubbing. And possibly some gagging because, you know, gross.
You Accepted Cleaning The Floor Multiple Times A Day As A Normal Part Of Your Life
It doesn't always immediately click with kids that they're wetting themselves when they first start their potty training adventure. Sometimes it takes some time for them to make the connection that when they start to go, they need to head for the potty. If they were the ones cleaning up the resulting messes, they'd probably be a little more vigilant with their bladder control. Potty training parents just accept scrubbing floors, carpets, and furniture as a part of their every day routines because accidents happen all the time.
Your Emotional Stability Is Dependent Upon Your Toddler's Time On The Toilet.
Potty training is an emotional roller coaster. Your life might be perfectly in order and free from any major stresses (unlikely, but possible I suppose) but if your child's potty training routine gets derailed, so does your emotional stability. The borderline insane thoughts parents have when potty training isn't working are somewhat disturbing, but if you've ever experienced the hell that is trying to teach another human how to poop appropriately, you completely understand. The highs are high, but the lows are lower, and trying to find a happy medium during the unpredictable potty training phase is nearly impossible. Just try to remember that one day you will laugh all of this off, but in the mean time, keep plenty of wine and bleach on hand.
You Had A Tiny Toilet In Your Car
At no other point in your life will toting a tiny toilet around in the back of your car seem like a normal thing. I mean, it's a toilet. But while you're potty training your child, you need to be prepared for everything when you're on the road, unless you're okay with being confined to a urine covered house for the duration of your child's potty training.