Tuesday, June 14 is a very important day. It's a huge, beautiful, and classy day. That's right, it's the 70th birthday of Donald J. Trump, former mail-order steak salesman and current presumptive Republican presidential nominee. The trouble is, although nobody can agree on exactly how much he's worth, we can all agree that he's pretty damn rich. So what do you get for the man who, even if he actually doesn't have everything, could at least afford everything? I can think of a few things I'd get Trump for his birthday.

Just because a person can buy something for himself doesn't necessarily mean that he will. The secret to being a great gift giver is to look for things that the receiver doesn't even realize they want. Something they don't know they need, something they've never heard of before, or even something that they might not feel that they deserve. It's like when your Grandma would slip you $20 and insist that you spend it on "something fun." Trump spends his money on real estate and trucker hats. That's no fun! And he certainly has more than enough of both. He doesn't even realize what he's missing out on, but I do.

A Calculator


How much money does Trump have, anyway? It could be $500 million. It could be $3.72 billion, or $4.5 billion. He says he has $10 billion. There's only one sure way to find out.

A Stripper


No, not that kind! Trump is married and would never cheat on his current wife. I'm talking about this 3M Paint & Rust Stripper, because honey, have you seen his gold plated apartment? It's... not cute. I would say, conservatively, 95 percent of that gold needs to be removed before that place can actually be entered by an individual not wearing eye protection. I'm just looking out for him and his retinas.

This Jon Snow Wig


Listen, I'm not saying that Trump does wear a wig. I'm saying that he should. His current hairdo is a huge hair don't; we can all agree on that. So why not swap it out for this look? Even if he isn't elected Lord Commander of this particular realm, he'll still look great while knowing nothing.

Some Light Reading


We already know that Trump has two favorite books: the Bible and The Art of the Deal. Surely he has room on his shelf for one more?

Speaking Of Bibles...


I tried searching for a gold Bible, but Amazon didn't have any, so he'll have to make do with this imitation leather number. As I've previously mentioned, Trump has a room full of Bibles that he vows never to throw away, so if I gave him this, he'd have to keep it. Even if I inscribed it with, "By accepting this gift, you agree to withdraw from the presidential race, the public eye, and also Planet Earth, under penalty of death."

Hulk Fists


While Trump's hands are, of course, tremendous, they are not green. Maybe he'd like to try these on. Just because The Avengers: Age of Ultron is a fun movie. Not because he's a short-fingered vulgarian or anything. No, sir.

This Erotic Accessory


The sexiest way to wear it is all the time, everywhere, forever.



I actually purchased this book in 1994, and I really think Trump could learn a lot from it. I'm sure "Crooked Hillary" would agree.

Dao Island

Private Islands Online

It's for sale, and it's about as far as you can get from the United States without leaving the planet. Let's all pool our money, buy it, send him there, and then build a yuge wall all the way around it.