America, TIME magazine has just given us the most glorious holiday gift one could ever hope for: a video of a bald eagle attacking Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. Fresh off of the announcement that German chancellor Angela Merkel was named TIME’s Person of the Year, the magazine released behind-the-scenes footage of a photo shoot taken this past August. Male bird model Uncle Sam graciously agreed to appear on TIME’s cover with Trump, but it seems the two didn’t get along. You can tell there’s bad blood right away, as Uncle Sam refuses to make eye contact with Trump. But the real shocker comes when Sam physically attacks Trump, not once, but twice.
Listen, I’m no advocate for violence, but certain concessions must be made when you’re dealing with a bird of prey. Uncle Sam has no problem eating a baby deer; you can’t just step to him and expect there to be no repercussions. He may have friends who hang out at the Mexican border, and he may be sick and tired of hearing about Trump’s plan for a wall. And the immigrant thing? What’s wrong with immigrants? Some of Uncle Sam’s best friends may be from Canada, and you know what? America freaking loves them. Marco Rubio may take Trump’s insults lying down, but it looks like The Donald has met his match with Uncle Sam. So what was Sam thinking during these key moments of footage? I’ll offer my (completely fabricated) explanations.
"You don't deserve hair!"
Sam, as you can see, is bald. It's a condition he's suffered all his life. He gets a little sensitive about it, and thinks that some people who are lucky enough to have hair ought to take better care of it. So sue him, he's vain. He is a model, after all.
After the first attack, Trump asks how his hair looks, and is immediately met with a chorus of "No good!" from every single person in the room. I mean, they almost answer too fast. It's as if they've been waiting decades for Trump to ask them that very question. Sam doesn't need to answer, though. He's made himself perfectly clear.
"You disgust me."
Remember, this occurred back in August. Sam, who doesn't watch much TV, was doing a little Trump research the night before the shoot, and read about Trump claiming that John McCain wasn't a war hero "because he was captured." Sam can't even look at Trump right now.
"When the hell is lunch?"
Hey, we've all got to eat. The shoot had been dragging on forever at this point, and Sam happened to catch a glimpse of a gyro cart outside. Sam wonders if Trump even eats Greek food.
Trump got too close to Sam. Never approach a hangry bird from behind. Are you trying to die? I mean, really.