We've all got our own assumptions and expectations about how our lives are going to change after we've had kids. There are plenty of things that are incapable of remaining the same, sure, but the basic needs and/or wants that you had prior to procreating, are (for the most part) going to stick around. For example, I still needed a night out with my friends after I became a mother (and arguably even more so). However, while that need may have stayed the same, a night out with your friends before having kids vs after having kids? Well, that's an entirely different story.
Social events and bar outings may be fewer in number once you've successfully reproduced, but maintaining friendships is so damn important, especially when it comes to a mother's ability to maintain her overall well-being. Like, just because you became a mom doesn't mean that you should be shackled by your maternal responsibilities every hour of every day for the rest of your life. Um, no, that's not how it works.
If anyone deserves a night out to cut loose and get away from it all, it's a mom. I mean, raising kids is great and beautiful and fun and all, but it's also stressful. So stressful and so exhausting and, um, did I mention stressful? When you wake up every day to the tune of a crying baby and spend that remained of said day in a spit-covered t-shirt while taking care of an all-consuming human that's sometimes stubborn or crabby or constipated, it's understandable that a person would get a little stir crazy. I know we're not supposed to say that giving every ounce of ourselves to another human isn't amazing every hour of every day, but I'm going to say it anyway: taking care of someone else every hour of every day isn't always amazing. There's a reason that moms and wine form a perfect union.
Moms want to have fun too, and going out with friends is (sometimes) exactly what a mother needs to rejuvenate her spirit and get herself back to neutral. Still, going out after you've had a kid is slightly (okay, really) different than it was before you became a mother. I'm not saying that it's not still fun, because it is. I'm just saying that while you're out with your friends, you might realize that you really turning into your own mother. If you're wondering what having a baby will do to your social life, consider the following differences:
Conversations Have Taken A Turn Towards Motherhood
Before kids: "Did you see what happened on Jersey Shore last night? Sammie needs to dump that tool box."
After kids: "I'm worried that my son has a gluten intolerance, so the whole family is going gluten-free to support him."
Comfort Trumps Cleavage When It Comes To Wardrobe Choices
Before kids: (While rummaging through a closet full of mini-skirts, super skinny jeans, tube tops, and pairs of six-inch heels) "Ugh, all my clothes make me look like a mom."
After kids: "So, high wasted jeans are in right? What about yoga pants? Are those appropriate for the bar?"
Purses Have Got Some Form Of Baby Gear Hidden Inside
Before kids: Your purse was filled with airplane bottles of vodka, lipstick, your parents' credit card and condoms. You needed to look good, save money, and practice safe sex and you were more than prepared to do one or all of those things on any given night.
After kids: Airplane bottles may still be present (because, hello budget), you've probably got a better method of birth control other than condoms (i.e. your kids), and there's a good chance that there's some baby powder or butt paste still lurking somewhere in your purse. Totally normal!
You Suddenly Feel Like You've Aged 15 Years Over Night
Before kids: "Who is that old lady at the bar? Like, what is she wearing? Is she lost? She must be a manager or someone's mom or something. Weird."
After kids: "Who is that lady that's fully clothed? Maybe we can be friends and share recipes, and laugh about all the things that 'kids these days' do while we talk about our Zumba classes."
You Instinctively Clean Your Table
Before kids: "Oh my God, look at how many bottles are on our table. Have we really taken this many shots?"
After kids: (As you're wiping off your table and returning your glasses to the bartender)"Do you need a coaster for that? Here, take one. We don't want to leave rings on the table."
You're So Excited To Be Out Of The House That You Drink And/Or Talk Way More Than Everyone Else
Before kids: (Takes shot, slams it on table) "Let's go dance!"
After kids: You feel like a kid in a candy store when you get to go out. You've got so much freedom and you're surrounded by so many other adults with their own freedom too, and suddenly you're drunk because you bought a round of shots for your new friends at the end of the bar and you love them so much and think they're so awesome and....you won't shut up.
You Talk To Perfect Strangers About Your Kids
Before kids: "What's your major?" "Oh my God! I love this song!" (Starts singing off key) "Rock me mama like a wagon wheel!"
After kids: "That reminds me of this one time my son (insert random accomplishment of son that has little to nothing to do with the conversation you're having with a stranger in the bathroom line)."
You're Completely Okay With Feeling Uncool
Before kids: Rolls eyes at the girl who talks too much while texting friend across the table about how annoying she is.
After kids: "Did anyone catch that episode of Dateline when they uncovered mafia ties in the olive oil business?"
You Keep Your Body's Physiology In Mind When Ordering Drinks
Before kids: Tequila? Sure. Shots? Yes, please.
After kids: Is this sugar-free? Is this going to make me bloat? How many calories are in this drink?
You Keep A Curfew In Mind Because You Know You Will Pay The Ultimate Price If You Stay Out Too Late
Before kids: "Hey, let's stay out after last call and go eat at some late-night diner and laugh at how drunk we are while we eat an ill-advised amount of waffles at five in the morning."
After kids: "Well, it's getting late so I had better get home so that I can get enough rest to wake up fresh and make waffles for my kid."
There's Definitely Tums And Tylenol In Your Purse
Before kids: "What the f*ck is acid reflux?"
After kids: (after taking shot) "Anyone want an antacid? I've got the berry flavored kind. I know, they're the best! I don't leave home without them."
Once You're Tipsy You Make Promises To Come Out More Often Even Though You Know Good And Well How Difficult It Is To Get Out Of The House
Before kids: "Brunch? Sure! Toga party next Tuesday? I'll be there! Spontaneous trip to the beach? Count me in!" Before kids you kept your word (or at least had the ability to) when it came to social functions and were down for whatever invitations inevitably came your way.
After kids: "Brunch? Sure! Toga party next Tuesday? I'll be there! Spontaneous trip to the beach? Count me in!" Except now you won't brunch unless it's kid-friendly, your kid has baseball practice on Tuesdays, and you can't exactly just up and abort the ship of parenthood, so that spontaneous trip to the beach is actually going to take months of planning, and even then there's a good chance that your kids are going to be joining you.
You Make Others Stare At Pictures Of Your Kids And Brag About How "They Are For Real A Genius"
Before kids: "Hey, look at this guy/girl I'm sleeping with." Or, for the younger mamas out there, "Swipe left?"
After kids: "So, this is my son in the bath. Look at how freaking cute he is! I mean, he's basically a genius. Look at this picture of him covered in finger paint. He's such an artist."
You're Not Completely Sure How To Talk About Anything Other Than Your Kid And/Or Being A Mom
Before kids: You have an opinion about everything from politics to traveling to your favorite member of the Rolling Stones.
After kids: "So, did you see what happened on Sesame Street last week?"
It Takes An Entire Week To Recover From One Single Night Out
Before kids: (As you're rolling out of bed at noon) "I'm still a little drunk and it's awesome. Who wants mimosas?"
After kids: (One week after going out for drinks while contemplating whether or not you need to seek medical attention) "Oh my God, I am literally never even going to come within smelling distance of one single drop of alcohol for the rest of my life. Also, shut up. You're talking way too loud."