Before I had my first baby I was a level 10 moron. I knew what to expect when I was expecting and once the baby arrived (the sleepless nights, the crying baby, the sagging breasts), but I totally didn't believe that it would all happen to me. Because I was going to be perfect. (I know... a moron.) What I now realize I needed was one of these honest pregnancy greeting cards. I feel like they would have woken me up and better prepared me for my impending joy/doom, depending on the day.
Because what expectant mom, flushed and glowing with the anticipation of her precious sweet blessing, doesn't want to be reminded that she's about to be "pooping for two?" Or that her days of drinking wine, eating sushi, and wearing skinny jeans have been put on hold? Take it from a mom of four (which means, mathematically-speaking, I have pooped for eight, I suppose); When it comes to getting a handle on motherhood, the best armor a mom can have is a sense of humor. Because it gets pretty damn rough in the trenches of parenthood, what with the abject boredom of sitting through hours of children's programs on TV, the inexplicable crying (both you and your sweet one, of course), and the mess just, like, everywhere all the time.
Thankfully, designers like Knotty Cards and others aren't about to sugar-coat anything — and this current selection of real AF pregnancy and parenting cards will, if nothing else, keep you laughing through the pain.
In Case You Had Any Delusions About Childbirth
It's really not like squeezing a watermelon through a doughnut hole, I promise. Because the watermelon isn't screaming.
And You Thought The Pain Of Childbirth Was Bad...
As previously stated, I have given birth four times. And yet, the pain of stepping on a stray piece of LEGO really stays with me. Because it not only hurt my foot; it hurt my feelings. Didn't I just tell them to pick up their LEGO? This card from Lazy Mice is giving me the flashback shivers.
Here's To Managing Our Expectations
Knotty Cards strikes again with the realest part of having a baby.
The Fear Is Real
I wish the geniuses at Rhubarb Paper Co. were kidding. But... yeah.
The Flip Side Of That Coin
Sure, the general disruption to your lady parts might not be awesome... but look on the bright side. The short-lived, milk-stained bright side from Hatches and Matches.
Well Wishes For The Future
Don't let the people at Bangs and Teeth scare you; this almost never happens. Really.
That Moment You Realize Your Child, Too, Will Be Terrible About Swearing
Knotty Cards knows your baby isn't a perfect angel. I know it might seem like it now, but wait until your kid asks "Where the hell" their food is for the first time. At least now you know who to thank for teaching them.
Just The Facts, Ma'am
So yes, this beauty from A Card Day's Work is accurate. You'll be pooping for two. But you'll also be loving for two. Awww... sweet, right?
Time to get real, guys; babies are actually completely worth it. They are squishy and funny and have the potential to make you YouTube-famous with their hilarious antics. Just keep your sense of humor in check, stay the course, and all will be well.